Cruel Destiny | Kylo Ren

False God

How I miss those open and loving brown eyes, for I tire of counting down the days to see them with my own which become misty with longing.

I would give anything to go back a couple of months and see him again before he had left. Savouring those lost moments instead of worrying about the future and what was to come—because now that I live within that future... I had only found it to be a dark and lonely place, where even beneath these thick materials, I am a cold void that only lives for the moment where I will be able to feel his body heat beside mine again.

The very moment when I would be able to bring my head close to his solid chest and listen to the heart that beats beneath the scars, rather than listening to the sound of my own ears ringing in this outcast silence.

Today, it has been four months since Kylo had been sent away to the Supremacy—and though the days leading to his return are shrinking, the amount of time I had to wait to get to this mark, had my sorrow only growing in a massive swell beneath my chest.

Not even the holograms of our presence was enough to feel real anymore; and every-time he calls, I have more words I wish to say but simply cannot find the way to express them in the enormity that they should convey. My heart ached as if an anchor weighed it down and my skin always prickled as if I was being sliced by a thousand, tiny, paper-cuts of thrown out speeches I wish to write to him.

It was another lonely day in the quarters and here I waste precious hours, laying upon the couch with his leather gloves twisted tightly around my own fingers as my hands rest upon a swelling belly—not too large yet, but yesterday I had discovered that I could no longer see my toes if I stand up straight.

As I lay with the leather in my hands, the gloves presumably having no regard for my feelings as they taunt me of Kylo's fabricated presence, all I can contemplate these past days is how it had come to this moment.

When did it get to a time when I would long for Kylo Ren? Seemingly giving him the key to unlock the door to my soul, I'm curious as to when my mind fully succumbed into the swirling images of his rough hands touching me gently, shaping me in his grip anew as if I was clay, perfecting my form as he had rebirthed my consciousness.

I couldn't describe the feelings I grew for him although, he was no longer here—I couldn't phrase what I wished to say. All I do know, is in these lonesome hours, I must remain a deep gratitude for this stop of time. A sense that what these past four months was, is a gift of sacred and transient passing of time, where I could figure out what all of this means.

Though, I would never say it aloud: I wish I could linger in the blissful ignorance I endured before I had met Kylo Ren. To take away the pain of missing him, for I always feel the need to wipe away non-existent tears that I want to form but I can't, because I have cried all of them out of my system already.

But, I know if the choice came down to it... I would never wish this warmth in my heart away, for what I feel towards Kylo Ren is the most pure and undoubting thing I have ever endured—but there's a sense of wrong, for I don't even know how it had come to this; how I had allowed myself to so foolishly fallen for someone so... distanced—both emotionally, and physically.

I don't feel like myself anymore. I huff in discomfort, my ribs never feeling comfortable within my own body anymore, and everything had become tender during my pregnancy. Leaning further into the couch, I scrunch my face up when I still couldn't find a position that didn't remind me of my womb that protrudes. I fret for a moment, worried for my spine when I remember that my stomach will only grow and grow, until it will look as if I am about to burst—but nothing worried me more than Kylo's eventual realisation that I am pregnant with his child.