Hamesha, Yours!

-23-

She stood there. Right there, in front of the door that she had left behind with a promise to never look back at. She stood there realizing that she broke that promise to herself and yet again stood eyeing the door for entry. Entry into the memories that it enclosed. She had left this place months ago for herself, for her betterment and now, again she stood here to enter it for her betterment. It wasn't that last time she had ran away from this place. No, she had just closed a chapter of her life in the hope she could start a new one. She did, she almost did until a little jolt came and pushed her back to rethinking.

And with that, she stood here once again, with a broken promise yet again and no one to rely on yet again. 

But, promises were meant to be broken. So, what's the harm. If he had the audacity to break a promise to her, then she had the audacity to break her promise so that she could bury the shreds of his broken promise. It was all about burying and letting a flower grow on top. 

Nandini took a deep breath in and clutched the little diary in her hand. 

Let go. 

It was finally time to do it in the most realistic sense.  

She couldn't burn or bury them and get her closure. Life hadn't be the kindest soul to her. But, their memories, these walls, these pages- all that that they left she could definitely burn or bury them. 

A fire within her, an agitation arose. She wanted to leave this place right away yet fall into it in tears. She wanted a hand to caress her yet she wanted to frustrate and push away. It was a torment to live like this- things and emotions in between, some so close and some so estranged and far. 

It should all be in one place. Dead seemed so comforting to her for now. If they were all gone, why not their memories and memoirs too? Why should they lurk around haunting her when they defied their sole reason of comfort?

But, no. Burning or burials wouldn't be the best way to go. What if some day, like today. she wanted to re-write, re-trace her memories fin revenge, to avenge herself? They ought to stick. 

And so, Nandini made a deal to herself. Remembrance was better than words. So, these words, these black and white photographs all of their smells would be closed in one place. A place that once lived these words and moments. A place that now held carcasses of echoing stories.

She clicked opened the utterly familiar of Murthy House. The lack of an anticipated chirpy welcome numbed her fingers and shivered her heart. The wounds seemed afresh but that would only mean the love was pure for it still hurt and may will always. A gush of images raced to her, their lingering homely smells embracing her.

"Nandu, this is your flight. Take it to the heights you like. Take to the place you like and if for some reason, some day you feel things are right, then come back. No one will stop you. You decide if you like your new nest or not. The old one will always be there to engulf you in its fullest capacity. It was for you to decide if those memories comfort you to solace or push you to seclusion! And neither is wrong. In both cases the love is not less. It is equally true."

She didn't have an answer to Abhimanyu's question that day. She was confused on what was right- to leave this home  that was for her since forever or to re-start on her own. It was a perplexing cumbersome decision to make.  But, today, after smelling so many winds, though this breeze was homely, away was better. Today, leaving wasn't regretted even though the intended benefits hadn't been reaped. Leaving was better.

Nandini made her away upstairs to her room. It was all so fresh amidst the stale air of sobs lingering around. That day she had locked herself in staring at the window in hope that he would come any moment. Knock on that window while carefully climbing up to her ledge, like he always did. Or may be his car's wheels would rush in and a long horn would call her out followed by his voice. Nandini. That was all she wanted to here that day. That was all she wished. One name from one voice. No other. One voice that had once promised her a hamesha. The hamesha wasn't suppose to be a hamesha of loving. It was suppose to be a hamesha being there for each other come what may, hamesha thinking of, about and for both of them. A hamesha he had broken by staying numb and silent. Silence broke them. 

Nandini snapped away her eyes from the window sill that she still somewhere deep down hoped to click or make a sound of his arrival. But, that wasn't going to happen. It just wasn't. He had decided to take a decision for himself that day and today, she was here with a decision for herself. She wasn't going to be him. She wouldn't leave broken promises behind. She had promised Amma and Appa to be happy, she knew Amms would have had her promise the same, she knew Chacha would have had her promise her to be selfish for herself, Chachi would have had her promise her to stay strong and Rishu would have had her promise to be herself. So what if those promises weren't verbalized, she could try. 

Nandini threw her diary on the bed. It was time to let go of Remembrance and embrace the essence that would let her go on her own roads. She opened her bag and emptied it to be take out a blood stained letter.

 Alas, the letter that never reached him. The rest of that letter that met with an accident before it could reach him. She kept it under the fireflies jar. The fireflies jar that held seven dead fireflies. 

Seven dead fireflies, seven dead relations, seven dead emotions. 

If ever he came hunting for her the day he found himself; if ever he came looking for his Nandini, he would find her here. Right here, on the bed, near those seven dead fireflies but no where else. 

Nandini picked up her bag. The mess being left behind, she descended down the flight of stairs and breathing in the last scent of her home. Would this be enough for her to last long? May be yes, she confirmed to herself and opened the door to leave this realm of bitter-sweet memories. Realities and herself awaited her outside. 

She locked the door, this time without tears flooding her eyes. Her heart though equally heavy as before. This would take time, but she had a lot with her. She had to let music heal her. 

Nandini reached the gates of her house looking ahead at the full-moon that lit the street when her phone broke in the silence around her. Her eyebrows cringed and dark clouds blocked the white light. A hesitation rose. Her phone rang again in eagerness to be picked up. 

"Hello?", she questioned. "Hello?" 

The line went dead. An feeling of loss settled in. She thought she left fears in that house that stood behind her but, may be they drooled on her. 

The rain poured on top of her hitting her to the rock bottom, hitting her hard with the truth. Something that they  couldn't change about her was her love of the rains and her love for analysis. It wasn't that they hadn't tried to change the latter; many a times hadthey tried to bring her out of her thought-box, trying to tell her that over-analysis may take her down at once. And may be it did, may be that day too over-analysis had hit her hard. May be today also, her best friend, Acceptance, was lurking on Analysis's back. 

But, that was innate; that was what Amms had taught... or wait, may be that was what she had taught herself while growing up with strangers and a brother of her own to look after all alone.  And may be that was the only inseparable part of her past- the one that she couldn't deny or leave behind. She could detach and disembark from the Space's memory lane and after but the essence of them wouldn't. The essence of her Amma and Amms would forever lurk around her. She couldn't give up over-analysis and acceptance of denial that defined her to worry about others before herself. She had cheated a bit, Abhi and Aryaman had taught her how to apply that to her and in the past hour or so that she spent on that bench, she decided she would just tinker that "cheat"! 

The soft jingles of her phone stood out among the downpour's harmony and just like all bliss doesn't stay till the end, reality crept in between her land of fantasies. 

She flipped her phone again. 

It was all again, again and she hated this itchy feeling of again and deja-vu.  

Harshad.

The screen flashed among the rings. 

"Hello!" she whispered in her hoarse voice and cringed at the unexplained ball of guilt in her throat. 

"Nandini?" he whispered lowly. 

"Harshad?"

"I need you." his voice squirmed catching her into a frenzy. 

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Hey, 

An eerie update shall continue... 

Happy Reading! 

Love, 

HF