Hamesha, Yours!

-15 and 16-

-Goa-

They walked down the roads, retracing the paths they left long back. The breeze their guider and the trail of trees their companions. Slow but steady with no particular thoughts in mind, they reached back to where they came from.

Consumed by how she would encounter music again, Nandini unlocked the door and step in to only soon enough slip on the mats of old photographs and letters she had left behind.

"Oh and then there was this!" 

She huffed, rubbing her back in attempts to soothe the thump. She crouched herself on knees and began to gather the mess she left. Cleaning was an old habit she had. A habit that she had loosened up a bit on and brushed under the rug too, pun intended. But, now that after a long time she was really at it while things ran on her mind, she remembered- cleaning and thinking were nice past times together. They were kind of like tea and biscuits- just suited for each other in proportion. So much so that without the other it would be dull and boring.

And so it happened, may be not music but her habitual love for cleaning and thinking came back to her though with a twist. Like this new Nandini, her thoughts were carefree, a bit jumbled but letting go was a tiny part of them.

She picked up the photographs that clung to the shiny marble floor. It was hard since she had just trimmed her nails but surely, if they clung to the floor then her thoughts had to slip through.

"Letters o letters, what do you say?

Letters o letters, what do you pray?

Letters o letters, you shine light!

Letters o letters, you're capable of a lie!

Letters o letters, only if I could let you ..."

Her random poem stopped abruptly as she started at the blood-stained piece of paper. 

It was shaggy and torn? No, it was ripped. It seemed a piece. Not a whole letter, but a torn corner of her letter.

She kept the messy stack of photos she had in her hand on the table and focused on the blood-stained piece of paper.

Blood-stained.

A rush of memories flooded her but she blinked her cloudy eyes before succumbing to them and traced the words.

I'm sorry. But, this is for the better, Man...

If this means hiding and angst, then it might just not be love, Mani..

I'm sending you this not to tell you to let go...

I've lost but....

You shouldn't.

Don't run but be brave, love.

That was it.

The bits and pieces on that torn corner. The words stirred an agony within her. They felt known but yet yelled aloofness. Her mind fell into its trap of déjà vu.

"I can't do this, aunty! I can't do this to him."

"I'm not saying give up on him, Nandini. I am not saying go to him for revenge and a list of complaints. No. Your parents, chacha-chachi, Amms, everybody raised you better than this. I'm not saying crying on a shoulder is wrong. It's not and neither is complaining to a loved one. I'm saying that if you don't feel like it here anymore, if after them nothing here makes sense then may be these boys are right. Taking a leap of faith won't hurt. If you feel you have nothing left, then there is nothing to loose. If you want to buy yourself more time, if you want to think about it, if you want to see him once before going away or whatever,it's okay. If you can't muster up the courage to talk to him face to face or otherwise then may be you should write to him something. It was the old-days when we used to that and it might be out-dated but the point comes across and that's the need. Words can do a lot, don't underestimate them or yourself. He loves you and the slightest of fear through your words damn even your absence or silence should get him up and ready in a heartbeat. And then, after everything, if you feel it's not okay, if this not where peace lies then tread a different path and even though it would have it's own challenges, you'll not regret it. Your minds can say a lot of crappy shitty, darling, taking this old neighbor's words, you don't have to listen to all of it and fall in its trap. Ignorance is bliss; it just comes with a small disclaimer of convenience and consideration. At the end of all of this struggle, I promise, tomorrow is going to be a better day with or without what you had yesterday."