A Light In The Darkness [Completed]

The Lies We Tell Ourself

The next two weeks flew by in a blur. Between school, getting ready for Jacen's wedding, and keeping up with her friends, Elias included, Solveigh hardly had any time to think. She was grateful for that, though, because every time she gave herself time to think, the doubts would start creeping in.

Sol was happier than she had been in a long, long time so why did she find herself looking back? Elias was so good to her, he left her wanting for nothing so why did she find herself wanting more? She couldn't even define what, exactly, it was that she wanted. She was happy, comfortable, safe... What more did she need?

She tried to push the uncertainty away, but in the middle of the night her mind would whisper things like, yeah, you're safe, but you're also bored out of your mind. There's no risk with Elias. When she told her brain to shut up it would just whisper back, you used to live for the danger. Don't tell me you don't miss it?

"No, I don't miss it," she would whisper into the dark. "I'm sick and tired of the constant hugs and lows. I like it here on the steady ground."

Suit yourself, her brain would retort. But don't tell me you never felt as alive as you did when he was by your side.

And so it would go, round and round until Sol wanted to scream. She'd made up her mind, why couldn't she just move on? The doubting voices wouldn't leave her alone. What if she'd made the wrong decision? What if she was just settling? What if she only accepted Elias's offer because she was afraid to be alone?

That was one thought that always stopped her cold. Each time it clawed its way in, it was a little harder to push back out. What if that was the only reason she had accepted Elias? She couldn't deny that she was hurt by the news that Trey had a new girlfriend, but was that really the only reason she had run to Elias? Sol was afraid of the answer.

What did it matter now, though? Elias had been there for her even when he knew she didn't feel the same way, and he always treated her like a princess. He was willing to just be friends if that was what she wanted. How could she break his heart now?

Every time she was with him, Sol could tell by the sound of his voice how happy he was. He was so kind to her... she couldn't throw him over for no reason. Besides, it wasn't like she didn't like Elias; she liked Elias a lot. He was very, very dear to her, but she was starting to realize that she didn't really love him. At least not in the way he loved her.

There was no mistaking his feelings. They were obvious in every word... every touch. Try as she might, though, Sol couldn't make herself feel the fireworks when she was with him. When Trey had touched her it felt like she was on fire. With Elias it was warm, yes, but it wasn't the same.

Then again, nothing would ever be the same. Tia was right; what she'd had with Trey was hard to find. But just because things couldn't be exactly the same didn't mean they couldn't be wonderful. It didn't matter how many times Sol told herself that, though. Deep down she was always wishing it was someone else bringing her flowers, someone else walking with her on the beach, someone else sitting with her listening the night sounds.

Why couldn't she just be content with what she had? Why did her heart always need what it could never have? Sol thought coming to decision would bring her peace, but it had only served to throw her mind into even more turmoil.

Maybe it would be for the best to back out now, but each time she imagined approaching Elias, she broke down. She couldn't do that to him after he had given her so much. He deserved so much better than that. So she hid the war inside her heart. She smiled and laughed and pretended she had never been happier. But each day she felt her heart break a little more.