Los Carnales

Chapter 38: Can't Buy Loyalty, Can't Buy Respect

December 22nd, 2007
Thursday, 12:25pm - North Shore Medical Center, Miami

First ultrasound appointment with nothing but good news to report. According to the ultrasound technician and information given to her, Aleesia was four weeks and six days pregnant. When she and Lauren found out and watched as the screen showed a small black dot (the embryo) where they baby was supposed to be for the next eight months, they couldn't help the tears that flowed or Aleesia frustrating the woman trying to do the ultrasound because she was crying so hard.

There was something growing inside of her and it was so surreal to see and experience. To Lauren, it meant a lot more than she outwardly showed; having been surrounded by death for so long then finally being with someone she loved more than anything in the world, and that person getting ready to bring in a mini version of themselves gave her the hope and happiness she always yearned for. All she cared about was protecting that life and the both of them living until they were old and wrinkly, witnessing everything their child will go through and being a hundred percent present through it all.

Aleesia was currently healthy with no scares or anything concerning to look after. But despite knowing that, Lauren couldn't help but feel paranoid as a result of waking up from last night's nightmare. In that nightmare, Aleesia brought the baby into this world before leaving it herself seconds after due to complications. The visuals of the monitor flatlining, white sheets covering her body, the life gone from her face, the baby crying as hard as Lauren did when she lost her parents—all of it put an overwhelming fear and sickness into Lauren's heart, she woke up in a cold sweat and couldn't breathe. She looked right beside her to find Aleesia blissfully sleeping and she silently cried, staying upright just to closely watch her for the rest of the night to make sure she was still breathing.

You know that feeling when you're so used to losing a good thing or someone you hold dear to you, that you can't even hold onto it when it comes into your life again because you're just counting down the minutes until it inevitably goes away from you? Lauren had to live with that every day. Speaking about it, though, wasn't something she liked to do.

As Aleesia was putting her clothes back on, she took notice of her girlfriend's absence and wondered if she may be having second thoughts about the baby now that it officially hit her. "Are you ok?" she asked her, watching Lauren stand by the computer, staring blankly at the screen.

Lauren didn't respond at first. Opening her mouth would most likely result in her choking out a sob from being asked that question in the middle of excessive worrying and overthinking. No, she clearly wasn't ok, but she didn't want Aleesia to worry. Lauren turned away from the computer and flashed a small smile as she muttered, "I'm fine."

"Are you sure?"

"Yeah," she cleared her throat and closed her eyes, giving herself a moment. Lauren looked up from the floor and sauntered to where Aleesia sat, putting on her sneakers. She got down on her knees and began to tie her laces for her. "I'm just emotional. This is all just hitting me super hard right now and I'm taking it in that I'm actually gonna get to be a mom in this life. It scares me."

"In a good way or a bad way?"

"Both. I'm so excited to learn everything about parenthood, about our child, about myself and what I'm capable of or not yet capable of. There's so much to look forward to. But...I'm scared shitless of it going wrong for me—for us."

"I feel that way too, it's normal," Aleesia soothed. "But I trust in God and his power that nothing will go wrong for us—that he'll protect us and this baby the whole way through. I try not to think about the bad things too much, you know? It can't be good for him or her."