Quarantine [Tag Book]

My Mind be Like POW

     So I know I haven't been offline for very long-

     But it feels like I've been gone for a freaking year.

    Why, you might ask?

     'Cause anxiety's a soft, squishy, cute lil' biscuit.

     That's why. 

     I didn't really mind not being on Wattpad- what I didn't like was that I wasn't freaking writing. And for some reason, anxiety decided to ambush me then. And I mean that sucker hit me hard man- like, I left that biscuit on the counter for a good week and it solidified, and then a freaking demon just hit me in the heart with it. I started wanting to go out and do things that I've never even been tempted to do before- I mean, maybe this is partly because of the whole quarantine thing- I don't know. 

     I've worked my rear end off my entire life trying to be the good child. Trying to do everything right, trying to get my parents to see that I know the difference between right and wrong, and granted when I got straight A's I did get a car that I absolutely love now, but they don't treat me like me.

     I've messed up the rules one time.

     I have nine months left until I turn eighteen.

     That's pretty good if you ask me.

     But suddenly, I can't game with my friends- because my sister did stuff.

     Suddenly, I have to get off of Wattpad and any devices 3 hours earlier- because my sister did stuff. Three. Freaking. Years. Ago.

     Then my dad took it a step too far.

     He straight up compared me to my sister, right in front of me. We were on the freeway and I was 'boutta yeet myself out of our truck I was so pissed off. I understand taking precautions, but they're literally treating me like I'm the one who made the mistakes. 

     I finally asked to go for a drive last night and I just drove to the park and sat there and cried for a good hour. I didn't have my phone on me, and I felt like I. was going. to die.

    What's ironic is I didn't bother to go home. In my mind I was like, crap, I'm going to die in my car- that's okay, I love my car, I wouldn't wanna die anywhere else and I just wanted to be alone in the moment. It was a scary feeling that I haven't felt in a while- and ever since that anxiety attack I've just had this... cloud of sadness over my head. Everything's been magnified lately- Crush has a girlfriend? Let's go cry for several hours over that! Parents are comparing you to your alcoholic sister? Let's go act like our alcoholic sister!

     That's what's been going through my mind- on repeat- since I've been offline, from the moment I open my eyes in the morning, until my brain finally shuts it's cute biscuit mouth up at night. And I am losing my mind. I keep getting these rebellious thoughts that I haven't had since I would go hanging out with my sister and her... 'gangster' friends. And I just feel like a piece of me is missing and I can't find it, and there's this voice in my head telling me that the only way I'll get that missing piece is if I go out and try alcohol for the first time. If I go out and get wasted for once, know how it feels, then I'll be okay.

     But addiction runs in my veins. There's no one in my family that has ever recovered from an addiction, and I know it won't just be a one time thing if I do go out and try it. And honestly... I'm scared... I... I don't know what to do right now. Part of me wants to be left alone, part of me wants to go find my friends and talk to them, pour my heart and soul out to them about everything that's been going on- 

     But all my friends are LDS, like, suuuuper into the church... and I know that they won't understand at all. So I'm still stuck on repeat... waiting until my mind shuts off. I have nothing against alcoholics- aside from my biological dad. He can go jump off a microwave- most of my family friends drink a lot and I love them like family.