Quarantine [Tag Book]

Hey Guys

    Trigger warning ahead

     Have you ever kinda just felt... lost?

     Like everything you have isn't what you want?
     I told a boy that once. I broke his heart so I could have someone else's. Within three weeks I was in his arms crying, telling him how I still had feelings for him. I told him those exact words... 'everything I had wasn't what I wanted.'

     But this isn't about boys.

     I'm about to tell you guys something really personal. 

     If you're easily triggered, skip the next four paragraphs.

     I'm messed up guys. I'm so effing messed up it's not even funny. I've had eating disorders in the past and I felt normal. I'm 2 months clean... I think? And I started doing stupid things. Replacing the eating habits- or lack thereof- with something else. I'm not comfortable talking about it right now because if my parents ever went through my Wattpad stuff and found out they'd probably kill me... but long story short I'm addicted to it. It's not drugs or alcohol- or men... it's... it's personal. I really am not ready to talk about it.

     When I was going through my eating disorder, I felt like I was in control. I'd go a week eating as little as possible, sometimes just one apple in two days, take one day and eat what felt normal, purge about half of what I ate, and I'd take another week doing this.

     Guys if you're struggling with eating disorders or anything feel free to talk to me. I know what it feels like. I don't want anyone to suffer alone. Believe me, simply talking about it helps. That's the only reason I'm okay. We were eating in Vegas and I had a panic attack over a damn hamburger. 

     But with this new thing... it's not really new it's just... more intense... I... I'm thinking about leaving again. But... for a long time this time.

     If I do decide to go on hiatus, then I won't be updating this time around. In fact... I might even delete my account. I don't want to, because I've made all sorts of friends, but I just need to take time to figure out who I am. I need to focus on my grades- this is my last chance to get straight A's in high school, and I'd like to do that. And if I want to do that, I can't keep getting on Wattpad when I'm supposed to be doing school work.

     I love Wattpad, but it's one of the main reasons I procrastinate. 

     So... Either as soon as my grades drop or at the beginning of 2021, I'm gonna take a year away. No updates, no check-ins, I'm gonna delete Wattpad from my phone, sign off from my computer, and go do some spiritual, and self searching. 

     If I last until 2021, I'll tell y'all happy new year and we'll have a cheers and I'll do some sort of last hoorah thingy, but if my grades start slipping, there won't really be much of a warning. I'll just be like, 'bye'. And get rid of everything.

     I love you guys.