Quarantine [Tag Book]

I Hate Realization

     About a year or so ago I was going through a state of depression that was so bad I couldn't go to school.

      I've been kind of... emotionally numb since then. Like, I feel so much pain and it sucks, but I can't really show it.

     But I can't really feel my own pain without saying it out loud to process it- and crying? That takes so much effort to do... unless I'm crying for someone else- or over a guy (which has been happening a lot lately lol) and don't even get me started on being happy. I love being happy, I love it so much- but it takes so much energy for me to be happy sometimes that I just don't want to do anything but lay in bed so I don't have to go face my family and put a smile on my face.

   I can't actually cry over my own personal pain unless I talk about it to myself out loud while sitting in my car and listening to some songs that talk about the same thing I'm going through in the background. 

     I'm pretty sure I've got some type of mental disorder- and I'm aware that I do have a couple of them, like anxiety disorder- but I'm not sure what this one would fall under. Maybe my internal monologue is all screwy or something? I don't know... I just... I'm scared. I just realized this last night and now I can't stop thinking about it-

    That's another thing. I overthink everything to the point that it doesn't even matter anymore.