Quarantine [Tag Book]

I'm Just Tired

    I go through these phases where my mind basically shuts down and shuts out the present moments, and constantly relives the moments of the past, I just think over and over and over again about the things I should have done.

     Sometimes it lasts a day, sometimes just a couple hours- sometimes it lasts for months.

    I was on a group date yesterday, and the other girls date started playing a song.

     Flare Guns by Quinn XCII.

     I zoned out- I wasn't even there- three in the afternoon- to me, it was some time at night. I was in a mustang, singing that song with Jared...

    The only thing that snapped me back to reality was my friend- who was also my date- telling me to stop being boring, to talk just a little bit.

    I did for a while, and when I had their conversation rolling, I stopped talking... and I was just gone again.

    We were swimming at a creek and I had to go for a hike alone up to the truck to clear my head for a second, I tried anything to get my head back to the present.

     But I couldn't.

    I felt bad, ya know? All I thought about the whole time was all sorts of stuff that happened in the past, that I can't change- and I don't even remember half of the date... I just remember having fun at some points and... I also remember the cops showing up- that was a first for me.

     But I wasn't really there. The date lasted a good fifteen hours, and I was thinking about Jared, I was thinking about the Hell that I lived through as a little girl. I wasn't thinking about anything- yet I was thinking about everything.

    And every time I spaced out, thinking about all of this, my friends would ask me what was wrong- 

    I always had the same answer.

"I'm just tired."