I'm Not Okay But it's Alright - Fransykes

6. I Hate Him

I wasn't supposed to wake up that Monday morning. I wasn't supposed to be breathing, to be alive.

But Josh prevented me from getting what I so desperately wanted-needed. It was then I hated him. I hated him and his beautiful blue eyes, and his innocent smile, his soft hair.

I was so infatuated with him, and I hated it.

Maybe it wasn't infatuation but rather a thing that most refer to as a crush. I've had crushed before, I've fallen in love before. And what did it do for me? It made me a mess, more than I already was. Until I told myself to suck it up and realise it didn't matter.

Nothing did.

So whether most referred to it as a crush, I referred to it as an infatuation I would make a hatred.

I hated that blue eyed boy named Josh. I despised him for making me live, breathe another day, for talking to me and trying to fix me.

Can't he see I can't be fixed? I don't want to he fixed? I don't need to be fixed.

I am perfectly fine. I am one hundred percent okay. So I have vices most deem unhealthy, so I wouldn't run if a car was about to hit me. But I'm still fine. I'm better than everyone else-hopeful and optimistic and fake, blind.

I'm better than Josh. He needs to be fixed.

Or maybe not, maybe he's fine. He's happy, he thinks that there's a purpose in life and that it's better to live than die. He would move if a car was coming at him. So maybe he's wrong that he thinks it all matters and there's a purpose in everything, but at least it keeps those blue eyes sparkling.

Monday morning I woke up. Even though it wasn't planned and I was angry beyond words, I woke up and got ready for school. No one had seen my gifts, apparently, so I hid them for later. I had what I needed, I could do what I had to do at any time. But now didn't seem good.

My mother, when I walked down the steps into the kitchen, was clearly not happy. What time did I arrive home last night? Obviously not at ten. After my tearful fit, I fell asleep in Josh's arms while he carried me home.

"Where did you go last night?" She hissed.

"Just to this uh, forest. I got lost, I'm sorry," I said quickly.

"I never even heard you come home! When did you get here? I was waiting by the door all night!" The last time this happened it was with my brother. He was grounded for two weeks. Although he went drinking and his lies were absolute shit.

"I'm sorry Mom-"

"You're grounded for a week. School, home, end of story. No friends, parties, whatever, got it?" I had to hold back a snort. Friends? When did she see me with those? I never went to parties, hell I barely left my room. This would be fine.

"Okay Mom, I get it." I played the disappointed, get-me-out-of-here, act. Although I couldn't give a damn as long as I withheld the privaliges of my phone.

"Go along, schools starting soon," she shooed me and resumed her job in the kitchen.

I did as she said and rushed off to the brick building housing hundreds of horny teenagers each day. Just my luck, the bell rang just as I set foot in the school. I didn't mind, so what if I missed the first ten minutes of school. I felt as if I had a hangover, I didn't need the teachers loud voice shouting about history for fifty five minutes.

I took my sweet time putting my things in my locker, dragging the absence I held out as long as possible until I heard footsteps.

"You're late." I looked up to see Josh standing there with a soft expression.

"That I am," I grumbled while I grabbed my notebook. There was no need to draw this out anymore, not with Josh around, who I hated, if I haven't mentioned already.

"How are you?" He asked, his voice seeming to waver.

"Fuck off," I hissed.

"Oli, I-"

"I don't need your apologies, or your excuses. Or that you just 'want to help.' You want to help? Stop talking to me, let me do what I need to do." I turned on my heel and rushed down the hallway to my first hour.

Fuck Josh and his cute, worried face.

I hate him.

~_~_~_~

So I wrote the last half of this on my old phone because my mom took my new one so I'd do my homework and oh my god I missed this keyboard

For one, I have these shits 〜(꒪꒳꒪)〜 ༼;'༎ຶ ۝ ༎ຶ༽ (*'ω｀*) ಡ ͜ ʖ ಡ (ㆁωㆁ) ♥╣[-_-]╠♥

Then, I can c u r v e the quotation marks. Even if they don't end up curved when I publish this chapter I still want to fucking curve my quotation marks

Then again, the battery drains fast on this phone and I forgot how sweaty my hands got holding this too long. Oh and the camera quality it beyond shit, I was so shook by my new phones camera quality