I'm Not Okay But it's Alright - Fransykes

21. I Think I Love You

"Babe, you've got cookie dough on your cheek-" Josh pointed out through a fit of giggles and wiped away the dough with his thumb.

We were inseperable. Josh was my lifeboat and I was clinging to him. He pulled me out of the water, and for awhile, I was okay. I was still wet, cold and lost, but I wasn't drowning. And for the first time since I was twelve, my arms didn't have many cuts on them.

It was Friday night and we were baking cookies. Although we weren't the best at it. Josh was trying to role the dough into smalls balls, while stopping me from eating it all.

"Now help me with this!" Josh whined, grabbing my dough covered hand and dragged me to the bowl of cookie dough.

I sighed and grabbed a small handful of dough, rubbing it with my palms to make a circle and setting it on the plate, continuing the pattern. Every now and then, Josh would kiss my cheek or the corner of my mouth until I stopped rolling the dough and pulled him into a long, sweet kiss.

Josh rolled his hips into mine, moaning against my mouth. Chuckling, I pulled away. "Let's finish these cookies before you get me hard."

Josh giggled and we resumed our rolling until the cookies were in the oven and we were sitting on the counter top.

"Oh!" Josh jumped off the counter. "I got something for you!" Before I could comment he rushed off.

While he was off getting god knew what, I thought. And if you haven't realized by now with the twenty two chapters you've read, nothing ends well when I think.

But I did so anyway.

It had only been a few weeks, a month at most, since Josh and I agreed we were 'something.' That something turned into dating, and without officializing it we just started calling one another our boyfriend.

I went from an extremely nihilistic ass, to a less nihilistic ass. I went from having always blood covered arms, to healing scars. Sure, I still did it, but I was with Josh so much it was only when I was alone. Because when I was alone everything I'd been pushing back came up. Like now. I was alone. For those few minutes. And I was scared.

It was November. November 10th. Josh didn't know the promise I made and intended so greatly to break, nor that my birthday was ten days away. That my death was ten days away.

I didn't want Josh to grieve, but he'd get over me, right? It was a pain in the ass, but I liked having my nihilistic mindset. Especially before I met Josh, where it was so in my head no one mattered. Josh matters, and it bugs me. If I still believed no one mattered I wouldn't have a trouble killing myself. But some pretty boy had to weave his way into my life with pretty lies and a pretty mouth and a pretty face and pretty eyes and-

Josh came skipping back in, interrupting my heated conversation with my head. He was holding something behind his back while he grinned.

"What is it?"

"A flower crown!" Josh whipped out a crown, pink and yellow flowers lining the rims.

"I am not wearing that."

"Please? For me?" He stuck out his bottom lip, his eyes glistening and held up the flower crown.

"Fucking- Just while you're here."

"Yay!" Happily, Josh set the flower crown atop my head and messed with it, fixing angles so it sat perfectly.

"You're such a dork." I kissed his cheek and grabbed his hand, staring down at his fingers.

"But you still love me."

It was lighthearted, it was a joke, it slipped from his mouth, but it still weighed on me.

Because in truth, I think I did.

~_~_~_~

what? i finished a chapter of inobia? no wayyyy

what? im close to the part ive written in my head so many times and the line that im gonna adore writing? hah fuck yeah

what? my dad wanted to read my fan fiction not knowing it's gay sad and terrible written? fuck

anywhore i gotta watch some survival show and take a shit

then write my favorite chapter-

jUsT a FeW hEaRt bEaTs AwAy-