I'm Not Okay But it's Alright - Fransykes

14. Blind Date

I was feeling particularly self destructive today. Josh had set me up with a blind date, which was unfortunately tonight. I was scared, to say the least. Normally I'd be non chalant about it, I wouldn't care and if I fucked it up, well, so? Falling in love wasn't on my bucket list when I didn't think I'd live another month.

Honestly, it was a shame I'd have to do such things to Josh. I'm not much a people person, but I think he actually enjoys my company and cares for me. Or he's just a really good actor and dead set on playing hero. Probably the latter, really. Or at least I hope so.

If he did care for me though, I'd be hurting that poor boy. The last thing I wanted to come out of my insignificant death was the tears of Josh. His eyes were too beautiful for that. When he smiled, and his eyes lit up, everything was okay. It washed away everything, the pain, the insignificance, replaced with this joy. I couldn't blame Teresa for wanting to be with him, who didn't want to see him smile? He was like an angel, pure, innocent, happy, and wanted the best for everybody. He was perfect, really.

I was thinking about him like I thought of Kellin. But.. more..

When I saw him, I couldn't help but smile. Me, smiling, non stop, because when I looked at Josh I had to. I'd stare at him while he watched a movie, or work on a project, and I'd smile at the small intricate parts of his face, or habits he did.

I felt warm when I was around him. This feeling in my chest. Warm, full, complete, in a way. It made me giggle and smile like a high school girl. It tickled, but in a comforting way. Like a small reassuring "it'll be okay." I loved it.

I felt that way with Kellin, it scared me, feeling that way again now. But I was so hung up on the feeling and Josh that I didn't seem to mind. So I was falling for my non single, probably straight, only friend, but I wouldn't be here much longer, so it didn't matter.

Tonight, a few hours before Josh would pick me up for the blind date, I grabbed my newest, sharpest friend and hid in the bathroom. If I locked the door to my room my mother would most definitely scold me and threaten to take off the door, and the bathroom held supplies if things got.. messy, as they most likely would.

And so I began my escapade. My arms had healed quite a bit. With Josh around, the need to do this was less common, and he most always found out and bandaged my arms. There were a large number of scars, some still healing, but I still had space. A large number of it, as well, making the night even more fun.

I'd forgotten how much I loved this feeling. Again, only doing it every few days was new. I quickly forgot how good it felt, therefore not doing it for an even longer period of time until I imagined the blood coming out of my arm and I was a goner. That was all I needed, that image, and I was locking the door and grabbing my bag.

Within minutes, seconds, my arm was covered. The blood didn't take long to come out, and when it did it was soaring, falling down my arm and onto the floor. Maybe I'd die, right here right now. I didn't plan on it, but I wasn't against it. Should I write a note? Just to Josh, he was the only person I gave a damn about. Just a small explanation. "I didn't mean to, but I started bleeding a lot, and well, why stop?"

That sounded good. But as I moved to do that, I fell back down and let myself bask in that feeling.

The pain was so immense, the stinging, the cold liquid. Personally, I hated the mess it created. It was also cold and I preferred if the blood.. disappeared, in a way, after falling of my arm. Rather than getting all over it and my floor. But alas, magic isn't real and therefore I have to clean it up.

But maybe, if it is truly my death, I don't have to. Leave it to the workers to clean it up. They might have to get a new floor, it might stain. Oh well, sorry Mom and Dad for paying so much to wipe away your dead sons blood. Sorry I'm gone, if you care. But I don't.