I'm Not Okay But it's Alright - Fransykes

22. I Love You

For Josh's whole life, he thought he was straight. He didn't know what gay, bi, pan, or any LGBTQ+ thing existed until he was fourteen. Even then, he had the smallest understanding. Most people he talked to spoke lowly of them. "Fags that go to hell"; "vile misguided people"; "rapists"; "they kill themselves." Personally, Josh didn't get it. What had they done other than like the same gender? Was it that bad?  It couldn't be. A sin? Just because someone held attraction that wasn't 'in the norm'? Josh, despite the family he was raised with, wasn't religious. Whether a god existed or not, it wasn't his scene to sit and pray to some existential being that could create worlds. So, sin wise, he couldn't care. Norm wise, he found it bullshit. Fuck the 'norm.' How stupid did you have to be to insult someone so heavily because they didn't fit your perspective of normal? That's like a cliche rom com, where the bully is a complete dumbass with an egotistical stick up their ass.

Nonetheless, whether Josh found it okay or not to like the same gender, or all genders, his dick went up at the thought of a girl. For the first sixteen years of his life that's how it was. Joshua Franceshi was a straight, cis white boy.

And then he met Oliver.

It was just an infatuation, just Josh wanting to help the nihilstic boy he found bleeding out on top of building. It was Josh being empathetic and caring for a human being. So why did he start feeling more?

To rid himself of the constant thoughts of Oliver, some of those being ones he would only have over a girl, Josh started dating Teresa. A short, sweet girl with long dirty blond hair and big doughy eyes. She was adorable, by all means, and if Oliver wasn't running miles in Josh's mind, maybe Josh could've proprely fallen for her.

But instead everytime he kissed her he pictured Oliver.

At first, it did repulse him. What would his parents do? His parents, two religious homophobic people. They wouldn't want their son to be a fag.

But when did Josh's parents opinion matter? He loved his parents, but they were over the top. They were strict and Josh never truly got along with them. If they didn't accept him for taking a liking to a boy, then that was their loss. That was them being close minded.

So Josh took a break from Teresa and before he knew it he was hooking up with Oliver. And then he was breaking up with Teresa, and dating Oliver.

Whatever he was, bi, pan, it didn't matter. Josh liked Oli, a lot. And it was okay, the two of them.

Josh knew Oliver wasn't 'fixed'. It would take more than a few kisses and boyfriend to make him smile and stop self harming. But he was getting better, right?

Josh was gullible. And maybe that naivety played a role in what happened.

Josh was a heavy sleeper. No matter what you did, he woke up when his body wanted to. Maybe that played a role in what happened as well.

Because it had to be Josh's fault. It was his fault.

November 19th, Josh returned home from school. Oliver had turned down the offer of them spending the Friday night together. He was busy. He was having dinner with family. He'd see Josh Monday.

It was strange, it set Josh off. Oliver's family didn't go out for dinner. They judt didn't. Maybe it was his parents trying to reconnect? Either way, Josh couldn't tell when a person was lying, and he couldn't tell when a person had terrible plans in store. Plans that would rip his heart in two.

Friday night, on November 19th, Joshua fell asleep at eight PM. He slept through the night until he woke up at eleven fourty PM to five missed calls and three voicemails. From Oliver.

Scared, Josh clicked on them.

"Josh? Yeah, it's Oli. Guess you already knew that, though," chuckle. "Look um, don't worry. I'm sorry to call so late. But if you're awake, could you call me back? I-I'm sorry to bother, I just.."

The second one.

Crying. "Fuck, fuck I didn't mean to call you. Goodnight Joshua."

Oliver didn't call Josh by Joshua. Never in the months he'd known him had that ever happened. The third one.

"I'm sorry. Goodbye"

Josh sprung from his bed and ran down the stairs not giving a shit if anyone heard. He raced down the streets in his blue pajamas, to the familiar tall building him and that beautiful boy met.

Rushing up the stairs and onto the roof, Josh confirmed what he had wished so desperately wouldn't be the case.

Oliver stood on the ledge, his body glistening in the moonlight. You could see the blood streaks down his arms, trickling off his fingers and onto the tiled roof. But what hurt most, what tore Josh's heart open and scratched at it like a wild dog, was the pink and yellow flower crown on his head.

The two boys stood, lonely on the rooftop. Cold November wind nipping at their skin, brushing their hair into their eyes. The moonlight, the stars, and the boy about to say goodbye to it all.

"Oliver," Josh croaked out. He hadn't noticed the tears streaming down his eyes until he tasted the salty liquid, felt it fall onto his fingertips. His voice was strained, terrified.

"When I was five," Oli spoke. "I met a boy. He had raven black hair and eyes that seemed to change from blue, green and grey everytime I saw him. His name was Kellin, and he became my best friend.

"When we were nine we talked about sexuality; the idea of liking boys. We talked for so long our throats were dry and we realized, we both were gay.

"When we were ten he saw a vertical cut on my upper arm and realized I'd done it to myself. He did it too and we promised to never do it again.

"When we were eleven I did it again. When we were eleven I kissed him. He asked me out and I said yes.

"When we were thirteen we talked about death, how sometimes we wanted to die. When I was thirteen I promised him I would make it to seventeen, and he promised he would do the same.

"When I was fourteen I fell in love with Kellin. When I was fifteen I told him, and he left me.

"Tonight I'm sixteen. Tomorrow I'm seventeen, but I don't want to make it to seventeen."

"Oliver wait-!"

And then Oliver jumped.

And Josh didn't even get to say 'I love you too.'

~_~_~_~

this was supposed to be longer but fuck off it aint so deal with it