I'm Not Okay But it's Alright - Fransykes

8. Sparkle

I hated the effect Josh had on me. I hated that I let his words get to me.

I hated that I was falling for him.

I couldn't fall for him. Not after last time. I could not relive last time. But if I fell for Josh, and most importantly if he fell for me, it would surely end the same. He would leave me for some other cute guy. Because that's just what happens to me. It's what I deserve. There are plenty of others better than me. Optimistic, beautiful, better, not fucked up.

So I couldn't fall for Josh, and he couldn't fall for me. I'd just have to be unwantable. I mean, I always was. But to the point he gave up. He saw I was a lost cause and gave up on my charity case. After all, to the eyes of everyone that all I was. A charity case. And Josh, the sparkling blue eyed boy came along to play hero.

If I didn't manage to show him that he should just stop noticing my existence, I could just die. Avoid any more unnecessary, pity heart break. Besides, I'd do it anyway. Why not move the date a bit sooner..

Part of me wanted to see what would happen. Could this boy who already sparked a revolution in me fix me? Could I live to seventeen?

The thought sent me reeling. I didn't just not think I'd live to seventeen, I didn't want to.

I made a promise. But the thing is this is a promise I didn't want to keep. Not when it was made to him- Not when I would surely break it anyways. We made fantasies I couldn't bare to accomplish. Not without him.

~

"Promise me, we'll live to seventeen? I'll hold on, if you hold on," he whispered to me.

"I.." What did I do? I didn't know if I'd make it to sixteen at this rate.

"Promise me, Oli." He took my hand, gave me that look, and I melted.

"I promise," I mumbled.

He broke into a toothy grin that I couldn't help but return. It was so adorable, I loved his smile, I loved his laugh. I loved.. him.

"When we're seventeen, we'll go to Topeka, Kansas and see the pride house together. And- we'll go to Lukenbach, Texas and dance. We'll travel, wherever we can. Go to concerts, live out our senior year as if it's the last days of our lives," he daydreamed.

"We will. We'll do all of that. I promise."

Fuck. Why did I promise?

~

"What's up, babe?"

"Nothing," he muttered.

"Hey, be honest with me," I whined.

"I said it's nothing!"

"I- I'm sorry."

~

"I love you."

I said it. Finally, after keeping it in, I said it. I loved him. So much.

"What?"

"I.. love you."

He was quiet. His eyes held shock, and I knew I fucked up.

"I-"

"I love someone else," he cut me off. "I- I called you here to break up with you. Because- oh my god."