I'm Not Okay But it's Alright - Fransykes

19. Matter

It was overwhelming, to say the least, but when was anything not?

I woke up around one in the morning, and the house was still empty, fortunately. I carried Josh to my bed and let him sleep there while trying to keep all the thoughts out, but they were relentless once I was done cleaning up and tucked under my covers, alone with them. Even cuddled up against Josh, I couldn't stop thinking.

Soon enough I was up, grabbing my bag from my shelf and walking into the bathroom. I let it out through the blood, just begging to bleed as much as I could. That was what I needed, the blood. I could barely get it, though. Despite being so new, they were already dulling. I wouldn't accept that, no. I pressed deep, fast, and hard and slow as I could go, and once I pulled away the blood was all but hesitant.

It dripped on the floor, and that was it, that was what I needed. I leaned back and sighed. That temporary bliss.

I remained there, bleeding, for god knew how long. It was all over my arm, but soon enough it had stopped bleeding, and I was alone with my thoughts again.

I didn't mind it as much this time. I let it consume me, I let it turn me insane. I let it throw out enticing options I had to turn down, I let it make me so desperately want to say yes to those options. I let it make me overthink, which was the biggest mistake.

Nothing matters. I think I've made that pretty god damn clear. Absolutely nothing. Me, you, the mountain, celebrities or the fucking world. It all ends and it's honestly relieving. But I hate that. I want - need - something to matter. Something to tell me all of this wasn't for nothing. I wasn't put through hell for nothing, I didn't fall in love with someone who loved someone else for nothing, I'm not alive for nothing. Even though I am. Nothing matters, and that was overwhelming. It was terrifying, it was true. Sometimes truth hurts, so we run from it. I was running from it, searching for something that mattered.

I was so caught up in it, I didn't hear Josh calling my name, or see him kneeling beside me, wiping away tears I also hadn't noticed. He was staring at me with a concerned look, asking me something I had blocked out.

"Hey, hey, what's wrong?"

I searched his eyes and sniffled. God, no, I couldn't cry. But I was, and I was trying to breathe. Fuck, how do you do that again?

"Calm down, it's okay, I'm here." Josh pulled me into his arms, my head against his chest while he ran his hand through my hair reassuringly. I closed my eyes and tried to block it all out, but it was there, screaming.

He'll leave you, like Kellin. Kellin's said the same thing, but he left. Like everyone else. Because nothing last forever and nothing matters - it's all nothing.

Something had to matter. I was begging for something to matter.

"Oli, Oli," Josh was calling my name again. He lifted my chin, looking me in the eye. "Breathe," he whispered softly. I did just that, following as he explained. I pulled away and wiped the tears away, looking back at him.

His blue eyes.

That was it. That mattered. Him, his blue eyes. Josh.

Josh was the one thing that mattered.

~_~_~_~

I woke up in the morning, unaware that I had fallen asleep last night, in my bed with bandages wrapped neatly around my arms. I had to groan, Josh must've taken them again. Although I had a spare keep, knowing this would happen again.

What was more disappointing though was the disappearance of Josh. He wasn't beside me, rather I was left alone to remember the night previously. God, we had sex.

What would he do about his girlfriend? Sure, they were taking a break, but it was still technically cheating, right? Would he break it off with her for good? Or would he break all ties with me..

No. No, I couldn't take that. I couldn't lose Josh. He was the only good thing, the only thing that mattered. Not Josh. But I should've seen that. I should've broken it off myself before either of us got hurt. Everyone leaves me, because I make them. I fuck up. I'm not good enough, or I show them their pity won't fix me. And thus I'm alone, again.

I couldn't lose Josh, but it was too late. I dug my grave and I would lie in it. Quite literally. Soon enough, at least.

And just like that, I was in tears once more. He mattered. I don't know why or how, but he did. He got through. I was crying so much I didn't see the familiar face wiping them away until my vision cleared.

"Josh?" I croaked out.

"Yeah, it's me," he said softly. "Now tell me, what's wrong?" He kissed my cheek.

"Go," I told him. "Just.. don't drag this out any longer. Go back to your girlfriend."

"Is that it?" He scoffed. "You think I'm going to leave you because of last night? Oli, neither of us were drunk, I did all of that on my own will, thinking very clearly. Whether you like it or not, I won't leave you. Me and Teresa, we're over."

"You shouldn't have done that. I'm not worth it."

Josh cupped my face in his hands, looking at me sternly. "Yes you are, don't ever say that. I'm going to make this work, I'm going to help you. Because I care about you, more than I should." He kissed me softly, our lips fitting together. It was perfect, it was heaven, it was all that mattered.

"Now," Josh said as he pulled away. "I'm going to make pancakes for you and your family. Be up in twenty." He stood and walked out of the door without waiting for a response.

~_~_~_~

Hi yes another chapter

Um if anything's screwed up i blame my joyfriend, theyre the one transferring this onto draft and publishing it (jk i love
them, attack them and i eat your limbs)

God damn it i got so many mosquito bites