Fearless

33

"Holy shit, she's even smaller than you, Tara." Jake said as Tara held Mia for the first time, "well yeah she's a baby?" She said and squinted at him. Colby and I were enjoying the breakfast that they brought for us.

I never thought I would see the day where those two were gushing over a baby. "She's really cute guys. And her eyes are already so blue." Tara said and looked up at us as Mia looked up at her." I smiled at the thought of her inheriting Colby's eyes, "yeah, the doctors said her eyes might change colors. I hope they stay blue though." I said and took a bite of my food. I was feeling weird today, I wasn't sick but there was something off. Maybe Colby was right that post partum depression was kicking in, I just didn't want to believe it. Nothing about this process has been easy like they make it out to be in the movies. Labor was intense. After labor emotions were even more intense.

"Hey, relax." Colby whispered and kissed the side of my head as he placed his hand on my thigh. "I'm sorry."'I whispered and looked down, trying to keep my emotions in check. "Don't be sorry, just take your time." He said and squeezed my leg gently. I was in my own little world for a while, I didn't realize how long it had been until I saw that Jake was now holding the baby. It looked strange but he looked so happy as he looked down at her. Seeing my friends all so happy about this made my pain feel a little worse. How come everyone else got to enjoy this? I shook those thoughts from my head and quickly pressed the call button. "Woah. Are you okay?" Tara asked as she jumped from my sudden movement. I just nodded, not saying a word as I stared at the door.

When a nurse came in she looked at me then frowned. I must have looked really upset. "What's going on sweetheart?" She asked and I just shook my head as Colby looked at me cautiously, "is there any way I can take a shower or something?" I mumbled and she smiled sympathetically, "I think that would be a good idea, I'll set it all up for you, okay?" She asked and I nodded, biting the inside of my cheek.

"Do you want us to leave?" Tara asked and put her hand on mine, "no, stay. I just need to shower..then I think I'll feel better." I whispered still not making eye contact. I wanted to believe that was true but I don't think that's how this works.

After a few minutes the nurse from before came out of the bathroom, I look at Colby and bit my cheek as he smiled softly at me, "do you want me to help you get in there or do you want to do it yourself?" He asked sweetly. "Help me please...just to get to the bathroom..I can handle the rest." I whispered and he nodded, standing up. He helped me get out of the bed as I hissed with pain. I started to take a few steps and felt frustrated by how sore I was. "You've got this baby." Colby encouraged and I nodded as I continued. Once I got to the bathroom door I leaned against the doorframe. "Thank you, I can get the rest of the way there." I said and smiled weakly at Colby who was still holding on to my waist. "You're sure?" He asked as I nodded, "I'm sure." I said and kissed him.

I walked slowly into the bathroom and closed the door, before taking my gown off. I looked in the mirror and watched as my face screwed up as silent sobs wrecked my chest. My body looked so different. I still looked a little pregnant, but my skin was sagged with stretch marks everywhere. I brought my hand to my mouth to muffle the sobs as best as I could. It felt dumb to be crying over something so pointless. I created a life. A human. And I was sitting here crying in the bathroom over how my body looked while everyone else was enjoying the baby. It felt messed up.

I let myself cry for a minute before getting in the shower. The hot water felt nice on my skin, and cleaning myself off after everything felt amazing. I would have stayed in the shower all day if my head wasn't aching so bad. It seemed like it always hurt now, ever since the accident, but it usually was manageable. I guess today was just a bad day for it, and I'm sure crying didn't help.

I dried off and put on the comfortable clothes that the nurse left out for me. It was Colby's sweatpants and hoodie, which made me smile. I knew why she chose this outfit and it was working. Wearing his clothes always felt like a warm hug. I dried my hair as best as I could with the towel she had given me and I started to walk out. Since I had been standing for so long I felt strong enough to walk by myself, but Colby watched me carefully as he held Mia onto his bare chest again.

"Where did Jake and Tara go?" I asked quietly and put my gown in the linen basket. "They had to go, but I think Sam and Corey are coming in next." He said quietly as Mia cooed quietly. It was like music to my ears but it also sent a ripple of pain through my heart. I felt myself start to weep as I sat on the bed next to Colby, "what's wrong, love?" He asked and I shook my head, "I don't know honestly..I feel this dark cloud settling over my head. I want to enjoy her and love her like everyone else, but my heart aches at the same time." I whispered and held her small hand with my thumb and index finger.

"It's gonna be hard babe, your hormones are all over the place. It's okay to feel the way you're feeling but please don't bottle it in, I'm here to help you through it." He said and gently handed me Mia. I felt my heart break as she looked up at me with so much love. She cooed and smiled up at me as a tear slid down my cheek.

Sam and Corey came in a couple minutes later with flowers and a teddy bear. "Hey guys." I said quietly as Mia slept against my chest. "Hey, how are you feeling?" Sam asked and put the flowers on the table beside me, "I've been better..post partum is kicking my ass currently." I said and bit my lip, almost ashamed. "My mom went through that really bad with my little sister." Corey said and put the teddy bear in between Colby and I. "Yeah, and you're not alone in this Cor, all of us are going to help you through it." Sam said and rubbed my arm gently. I nodded as my heart swelled. I really had the best friends out there.

The guys visited for a while, they even stuck around while I fed Mia and pumped a couple bottles. They weren't even grossed out about it, which I appreciated because it was normal. I was just feeding my kid.

I held Mia close to me as the guys talked about an announcement video for her, I didn't mind the idea of it since his fans were a huge part of his life and he wanted to show her off to them. It was honestly really cute if you think about it. I couldn't concentrate on what they were saying even if I tried though, my head was hurting so bad. I felt myself start to zone out further when I realized what was happening. "Take the baby.." I whispered so quietly they almost didn't hear me. "What did you say?" Colby asked next to me.

"Take th-" I started again but felt my arms go limp, and before I knew it the darkness overcame me.