Fearless

65

"I picked out a dress today." I told Colby as I drove us home from McDonald's. "Wow on the first trip?" He asked with a mouth full of icecream, "yeah, Mia actually picked it out." I said with a huge grin, "wait, like our daughter Mia? The two month old?" He asked with amazement in his voice, "yep! Kat was walking around with her and she grabbed at the dress and wouldn't let go until she took it off the rack. When I tried it on I fell in love." I said quietly as I pulled into the driveway, "I love that she got to be a part of that even though she's so young." Colby said as I looked at him. My eyes trailed to his black eye giving me a searing pain in my chest.

"Let's get some ice for your eye." I mumbled and brushed his hair away from it carefully, he grabbed my hand from his face and pressed his lips against it, "I'm fine baby, it looks worse than it is." He
mumbled against my hand then opened his door to get out.

I sighed, I was so worried about him. I didn't want him to shut down, or suffer just because I was such a train wreck emotionally. I wanted to be able to be there for him like he has been for me, "are you coming?" He asked from outside of my door making me flinch, "woah! When did you get there?" I asked as my hand flew to my chest. "I have been standing here for a minute, you were zoned out." He said and held his hand out again.

"Sorry." I whispered and took his hand getting out of the car. "It's alright, did you need to talk about anything?" He asked and led us to the front door, "yeah, but we can talk about it when we get upstairs." I said with a sigh as we opened the door,

"FRIEEEEEES!" Sam yelled and ran into the foyer, snatching the bag from Colby's hand, "Jesus!" Colby yelped as Sam ran away. "You're welcome!" I yelled and turned towards the stairs, "you going to bed?" Colby asked and I nodded, "yeah it's been a long day." I sighed, "okay, I'll join you in a minute." He said as I just nodded, eating my icecream and trudging up the stairs.

It didn't take long for me to get ready for bed, but once I was in bed I couldn't even think about sleeping. I needed to make sure Colby was really okay before I could do anything, so I just laid there, staring at the ceiling.

About a half hour later Colby came quietly into the room, since he thought I was sleeping. "Hey." I said softly as he slid into the bed, "hey, I thought you would be asleep by now." He said and wrapped his arms around me. "I need to talk to you." I said looking up at him. "What's going on? Are you okay?" He asked and rubbed little circles onto my arm.

I shook my head, "I'm just really worried about you. Are you okay?" I asked and bit the inside of my cheek, "I'm doing okay. It was really scary and the thought of what could have happened is really scary but it didn't happen, I'm home and safe now with you and Mia and that's all I could ask for." He said quietly, still tracing his fingers along my arm. "I just don't want you to bottle things up because I'm an emotional wreck. I want you to be able to talk to me about this kind of stuff. I don't want you to bottle it in." I said and leaned up to look at him, "I'm not bottling anything up Cor, I know I can talk to you if I need to, I'm really okay. Of course I'll let you know if that changes, but as of right now I'm just happy to be home and safe with you." He said then pulled me down into him again. "Okay." I whispered and leaned into his chest.

We sat and talked for a little bit before we decided it was time to go to bed. Colby fell asleep almost instantly but my mind was racing. I started to think about how bad that situation could have went. I thought about what could have happened if they never came home. I thought about what would happen to Kat and I if we lost our loves.

I made sure Colby was fully asleep before getting out of bed slowly. I made my way outside to sit on the balcony, glancing at Colby to make sure he was still asleep as I walked. I just needed some fresh air.

When I got out there I could hear a storm rolling in, giving me a small sense of comfort. I sat down and closed my eyes, taking a deep breath in, I was starting to get scared that I would have an episode tonight with the way I was feeling on the inside.

My chest was beyond tight and my hands were shaking harder than they have in a long time. I tried to think about good things like when we had Mia and the night Colby proposed to me but my mind kept circling back to the bad things. I closed my eyes again only to see an image of Jason charging at me, causing me to flinch. The words my mom would tell me circled my mind as I pressed my hands to my ears.

I started to hyperventilate as the rain started to fall from the sky. A wimper escaped my lips as an image of our car flipping played in my mind, bringing me back to that moment. The fear in Kat's voice playing on repeat.

I was done for.

I pulled my knees into my chest and just sobbed as the storm rolled in. I didn't care that I was getting soaked, I couldn't even move if I wanted to.

The image of Colby being arrested and scared in prison sent shock waves of pain through my body. The image of Mia crying out to me when she was sad, looking at me for help but me not being able to give it to her. I tried to go back to the night I met Colby, and how comfortable he made me but the image shifted to Jason again as he reached for my hair when I tried to run away.

Colby and I's whole relationship was plagued by the bad things that happened. There was no escape from the thoughts.

"Cora?" Colby's sleepy voice broke through my thoughts as I just sobbed into my knees. The rain had gotten harder and I didn't even notice. "Oh baby girl." He whispered and walked to me. He tried to pull me into his arms, but I was so ridgedly holding onto my legs he couldn't get his arms around me. "It's okay, you're gonna get through this." He said and tried to pry my arms from my legs. I couldn't breathe or move as thunder sounded from around us, "come on baby, come back to me." He said desperately as he continued to try and pull me from my own grasp.

The tone of his voice brought me back enough to where I could let go of my legs and wrap them around Colby's neck. "That's my girl. You're okay." He cooed as I burried my face in his neck. He started to lift me up from the chair when I sobbed out, "no. I don't deserve it." I felt Colby suck in a breath and run his hand down my wet hair, "shhh, you're okay. Just relax for me." He whispered trying to pull me out of my episode. I hadn't had one this bad before, which was scaring me a little. "Don't be scared you're okay." He cooed almost as if he could read my thoughts. "I'm gonna pick you up, we have to get out of the rain, just relax okay?" He asked quietly then stood up with me in his arms.

As he carried me in I could feel my body relax a little.

It was starting to finally pass.

I blacked out for a minute as I let my body fully relax against his, when I finally came back to it I was sitting on the bathroom counter as Colby dried my hair off, "I'm so sorry." I whispered causing him to shake his head, "don't be sorry, it's not your fault baby girl." He said and gave me a reassuring smile, "I...I don't know what happened." I said shakily as I played with my ring, "remember what your therapist said, sometimes these things will happen, it's out of your control, but you're back now, you're okay." He said and brushed my wet hair behind my ear.

"Thank you." I whispered and placed my hand on his cheek, as my eyes skimmed over the bruise that was left on his face. "Don't look at it, it's okay." He said as my hand started to shake against his face. I nodded and looked down,

"I'm sorry for being such a wreck, I understand if you want to leave." I said quietly as he started to towel dry his own hair,

"Cora, I'm not going anywhere, I never will. You're stuck with me."