Fearless

42

"Your turn." Colby mumbled to me as Mia sobbed in the other room. This was her fifth fuss of the night, which meant it was in fact, my turn. I peeled myself out of the bed and made my way to the nursery. "What's got you fussing now sweet girl?" I asked and gathered her in my arms.

She looked up at me as she cried which sent a shot of pain through my heart. I felt like I couldn't help her. Like I was failing her. I rocked her back and forth trying to sooth her since I knew she had just eaten and she had a clean diaper.

After a couple minutes of this she still looked up at me. "What can I do? I wish you could answer me." I said as I felt my face twist up. I was about to cry with her.

I let myself cry as I held her to my chest. "Come on baby please calm down." I said as I sat down in the rocking chair and started to rock. I rocked for about ten minutes before her sobs finally died down. Mine were still streaming down my cheeks with full force as she started falling asleep again. I couldn't do this. How could I be a good mom if I couldn't even figure out why she was crying? It felt wrong for me to be crying about this but it was true. I was a failure and it had only been a week.

My own sobs eventually died down and I felt myself drift off to sleep as I sat in the rocking chair with Mia laid on my chest.

I wasn't sure how long I was asleep for before I felt Mia falling from my arms. "Oh my god!" I gasped in fear and opened my eyes to see Colby carefully lifting her from my chest. "It's okay, she's okay." He said and put her in her crib before turning back to me, "come on, let's go back to bed." He said softly and pulled me up from the chair. I groaned and bundled my sleeves up, hugging myself as I sleepily made my way back to the bedroom.

As soon as we made it to the doorway of our bedroom she started crying again. My head fell in disappointment as the hysterics within me boiled up again. "I'll go, you go to sleep." Colby said and kissed my head but I just stood there, "let's go together." I said quietly and walked passed him to get back to the nursery. When we got in there I picked Mia up and held her to my shoulder as I bounced and swayed.

Colby stood in front of me and rubbed her back gently as he looked at my face. I was trying desperately to keep it together in front of him and I think he could tell.

He raised his hand to my cheek and rubbed circles onto it with his thumb, "you're doing great baby girl." He said and leaned forwards to place a kiss on my forehead but before he could get there I felt Mia throw up all over my shoulder and in my hair. "I think that's what's been bothering her." I mumbled and closed my eyes as he reached for a towel. "I'll clean her up, you go take a shower and get to bed, I'll handle her for the rest of the night, okay?" He said gently and brushed my hair behind my ear. I nodded and turned away so I could go take a shower.

I cried the whole time I was in there. The overwhelming feeling of being a failure was creeping in my mind. I knew Colby was with her right now but what if she needed me and I wasn't there? What if she felt like I was abandoning her?

I sat on the floor and just sobbed as the hot water rained down on me. "Cora.." Colby breathed out as he came into the bathroom. "I'm a failure!" I sobbed out as he opened the shower door and collected me into his arms, "no baby girl. No you're not." His voice cracked as he leaned up and turned the shower off. "I...I can't breathe." I gasped out and burried my face into his chest, "hey!! No. Don't do this Cora, don't shut down." He yelled and held my face with both of his hands. "Im just like my mom." I whispered and looked into his eyes.

His eyes darkened as a sadness passed over his face. "No. You'll never be that monster of a human being. You're so loving to our daughter, and she loves you so much. Don't you remember in the hospital when she was crying while I changed her and all you had to do was look at her and she instantly stopped? Why would you say that you're just like your mom?" He asked and pulled me into his chest again as my sobs still filled the air.

"She was crying...and I didn't know why. I should know why my baby is crying Colby! I don't though...I don't know how to help her. She stares up at me and cries and my heart breaks. I just feel so helpless." I said and burried my face into his chest as he held my trembling body.

"That doesn't make you like your mother Cor...hell you're nothing like your mom because you're having this kind of reaction." He sighed, "Your mother is a monster who left you when you needed her the most, you have been there for Mia since day one and it's only been a week baby girl, also we are still brand new at this! Of course you don't know why she's crying. I don't know why she's crying either. It's all just trial and error for a while, we are going to get through this." He said and kissed the top of my head, "baby girl you have to remember that you care for that little girl so much more than your mother ever cared for you." He said and I pulled away to look at him, "don't you realize how special you are?" He said quietly and brushed my wet hair behind my shoulder. The sadness in his eyes brought me back to reality, he was right. My mom would never have had a reaction like this about me. Maybe she didn't care at all, and now I care too much.

"Do you want me to stay home from this trip? The fans will understand.." He said and helped me up, grabbing a towel to wrap me in. "No, you should go on the trip." I sighed and dried myself off. "I just don't want you feeling like this when I'm not here. I'm gonna cancel it, I can't risk it." He said and I shook my head, "I'm just tired, love...I'm sorry for having such an intense reaction. Let's just see how the rest of the week goes. Don't cancel it because of me." I said and brought my hand to his cheek. I could see the worry plastered on his face as I rubbed at the lines on his forehead, trying to smooth them out.

"Okay, but you have to promise me if anything changes you'll tell me." He said as I walked to the closet,

"I promise."