23 | comfort

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record 23

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record 23...AUGUST 17

10:54 AM

FUNERALS NEVER GET EASIER no matter how many Levi has attended. She sits in the very back of the hall, hoping to feel like little but a shadow. Her eyes stick to the smudge of sand on the toe her black flats. 

Black fabric is wrapped between her fingers where her nails dig into her dress at her thighs. She can't bring herself to look up, too afraid to see the grief hovering over the Evans' family like a ghost. Cam doesn't even understand what happened.

A few people stop to talk to her and Patrice but she doesn't listen. She hums and nods at the right times, fades into the background. Seonghwa is there too. He stares at her every few seconds but she can't bring herself to look back.

The worst moment is when she has to go up to Officer Evans and tell him in a tiny voice that she is sorry for his loss. He looks as if he is seconds away from blowing away like sand in the wind. As soon as she sees his distraught expression, the way he stifles a strangled sob with his fist, she wishes a hole would open in the floor and swallow her up.

Her own words echo on repeat.

"You're all content to twiddle your fucking thumbs while bodies wash up on the beach. You won't give a shit until someone you love ends up dead..."

Guilt cuts deep. To the bone.

Her words sound hollow even to herself. He doesn't even know. The reason his wife is dead is because a killer wanted to make a statement addressed to her. The thought makes Levi want to cry all over again.

She is the reason for his loss.

And now Cape Freewell has become a community reeling from that same loss. There is a field of flowers in front of the Evans' home. Flowers, ironically, spilled over on the sidewalks next to what was Carla's flower shop. The closed sign on the glass window probably won't ever turn to the open side ever again.

It's all she thinks about as she flops onto her bed, Patrice on her heels.

"Are you sure that you'll be okay?" her aunt says, leaning against the doorway. Levi turns over, facing the wall instead on purpose.

"Yeah." Her answer is muffled by a messy pile of pillows.

Even though she wants nothing more for her aunt to give up and leave her alone, her footsteps grow a little closer. She takes slow breaths as if trying to steel herself and instantly, Levi stiffens.

"I'm going to try rehab again."

She doesn't spin around to look at her aunt. She can't bring herself to look at her face, near certain that this will be yet another moment that ends in a blatant lie.

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