"Look Debbie I didn't know I said all that and I can't even explain that. I mean at some points in time I feel like that but that's only when I'm really annoyed"
"So you're annoyed when we're about to make love?", I asked tilting my head with a confused look on my face.
"No it just sometimes that's how I be feeling. I never meant to hurt you"
"You always say that. Nobody ever means to hurt somebody but that doesn't mean that's not what was done. And this, is unfixable. I'm done, I can't even see you the same anymore 'Xavier. Thanks for giving me what you gave me but I'm done. It's over and I want a divorce"
"Baby--"
"Unh unh stop. I'm not your baby I'm your kids mother and your ex-wife. Don't argue with me, don't try to get me change my mind because my mind is set"
He took a deep breath and looked me in my eyes. We stared for a long time really thinking and I mean we were sitting there for a long time, my butt was getting numb in the seat and Jasmine was moving like crazy.
"Well if that's what we gotta do then...I guess it's time for a divorce"
"So you'll sign the papers no problem?"
"Yeah if that'll make you happy then I will. Let's just write this plan down on how we're gonna have the kids"
"I have paper right here", I said pulling it out of a bag I had sitting beside me.
We sat there talking about how we'd have the kids and what we were going to do when they started school, how we were going to take care of Jasmine when she's born because she's not going anywhere when she's a newborn I just don't like that. We have a meeting with both of our divorce lawyers next weekend and to be honest I can't wait. I wanna be free and away from 'Xavier. And nothing in my mind is going to change that.
"I'm a miss you though for real"
"No you're not and that's the reason we're getting a divorce. You can see yourself out. The boys can stay with you until we meet with the divorce attorney you just need to make sure they have their clothes, sippie cups, something to eat, snacks and everything else"
"I got my sons"
"Alright, I'll see you in a couple of weeks then"
I stood up and I went into the kitchen. I heard the front door open and close and I seen 'Xavier leave from the kitchen window. I let out a deep sigh I feel like I've been holding in for years and I feel like I can breathe again like I have my life. I'm sorry Jaidyn, Jabari, and Jasmine mommy and daddy couldn't work it out for you but we were really past due. Holding on to something that shouldn't have been, I guess when you riding you gotta know if the person driving is the one takin you to your right destination and 'Xavier wasn't that for me.
All these years waisted. But I'm happy I'm still young because I am only 19. Child feel like I'm just super old like I have to remember that I'm that young and 'Xavier's birthday gift is gonna be a divorce. I would buy him a car but you know he has enough cars already and their all tricked out. I bought him his gold Rolex last year, I gave him kids so that something that came from my heart...and my coochi. I'll figure it out.
"So is it for real this time? You two really getting a divorce?", my mom asked sitting at the table.
"Yes ma'am, I'm really done. I feel more alive like I feel stress less"
"That's good and I see you set out a plan on taking care of the kids, I'm proud of how mature you've become"
"Thanks mom and I honestly don't think I'll regret this. I used to think I would but now I know I'll b fine"
"Well baby as long as you'll be okay and my grand babies will be okay and 'Xavier will be okay is all that matters"
"I know mom but I need this right now and forever. I love him but I love myself even more. And I want to be an example to my daughter, to not settle because you think the relationship your in is right. And even though we've been knowing each other, we love each other, and we've been through a lot doesn't mean I have to keep going through stuff"
"Hmm does that sound like a speech I tried to tell you?"
"Yes ma'am but I guess you don't listen until you go through it yourself"
"Yeah but I don't see why. I told you it was a hole a long time ago but maybe you can start talking to that doctor again"
"Mom too soon really. I want to find myself and I'd tell this to every girl out there in the world. DO NOT DATE ANYBODY UNTIL YOU KNOW YOURSELF!! You can't give something to somebody if you're not ready. You can't love someone off of what you think love is or what you see on TV or from someone else trust me. You don't want to be thinking your in love and you don't know yourself. Don't put yourself in high heels when you can't walk in kitty heels and don't force yourself to grow up for anybody. Love yourself first. If a boy give you a compliment and you think you're going to die like that was the absolute best thing that anyone will ever tell you, you're not ready for love and you don't know yourself. When you look in the mirror be proud of what you see, even if you think you're not the prettiest, or like you have the best of something. As long as you think your best is the best then that's all that matters. Every girl is a princess whether you're a tomboy, a good girl, a gothic girl, an emo girl, a girly girl, or anything. You're a princess with a tiara and the only person that should be able to let it fall is you because of you. So smile and be happy by yourself before you smile with someone else. When you get a compliment that's for you to know that someone else sees what you see, a beautiful girl. A compliment shouldn't come with strings attached and don't be senseless when it comes to boys. Let your no mean no and don't me pressured into anything you don't want. It's okay to say no, if he has a problem with that or you think he's going to try something if you say no then leave as soon as you can. There's someone for everyone and he's going to treat you right. I didn't have that with 'Xavier, I thought I did and I wanted to believe it but the drunk man tells no tales, and I'm not fighting it anymore. I'm gonna leave this chapter with that and for you to think about. Comment though if I hit a place for you tho frfr or inbox me. I like to type to entertain and also to teach lessons so if you never learned anything from my book let me know you got at least s lil bit from this or tell me if you agree with what I said or if you disagree. Comment please and put a * at tha end of you want me to comment back"
