Deadly as trust

Twenty-three: Miriam

I was back at the room where I had been questioned before.

The table was in front of me and the room was small, it only had a table between two chairs opposite each other.

I had been told that I was going to be questioned again, what else did they want?

The door eventually opened and I turned to see the last person I really wanted to see right now.

"Miriam."

I didn't say a word.

I wasn't going to lie that he had broken my heart when he left me. He didn't even tell me anything. What was that thing about trust again?

He walked to the chair opposite me and sat down. Silence followed after.

"Miriam, I need you to tell me something. I found out about something and I need you to tell me yourself. What happened?"

I laughed. I didn't even know where it came from but I laughed.

"No 'I'm sorry Miriam, I regret handing you over without giving you a warning', no 'How have you been these past few days', no 'Where do you stay now?'. Let me guess, I should trust you. I can't believe you."

I was hurt. He had just treated me like all the other men back at the brothel, like a good. I wasn't even allowed to know what was going to happen to me.

He frowned.

"The sooner you learn it's for the best, the better."

"That's your defence? Do you know how I feel right now? I feel betrayed."

"Stop this Miriam and answer me. Are you or are you not contacting Gabriel?"

I didn't say anything at first, just stared him in the face.

"So, they told you."

He looked convinced that Gabriel and I had been contacting each other.

"Just answer me Miriam. Is it true?"

"You don't deserve an answer. Besides he sent messages to you too."

He looked surprised, he wasn't expecting it? Good. I laughed.

"Surprised? You shouldn't be, you were pulling strings the whole time. I saw a message on your phone. What were you really thinking? The person who is supposed to protect me contacting the same person who wants to see me dead. What else are you hiding?"

He banged his fist on the table but I was unfazed, he needed to know that. I was at the place where I couldn't really care less.

"You had no right to go through my phone."

"And why is that? Because you're a detective? That gives you the right to exploit me too? Did you ask yourself how I feel about everything?"

"You were not in the right position to know and you know that."

"I was victimized, not mentally paralyzed."

We had been raising our voices and by now we were breathing heavily. Two could play at this game.

"I thought things would have been different. I trusted you with my life and this is all I got back. What a shame.", I said quietly after silent minutes filled with nothing but our heavy breathing, my voice was choked with emotion.

I was not just angry and disappointed, I was sad and hurt. To think I had those stupid feelings, I was so foolish. When was I going to learn? Don't expect too much from life.

Jamilah wouldn't want to see this, why did I even say it like that. Jamilah wasn't dead, even if her chances of waking from the coma were 2 out of 10. The thought of Jamilah made me sad all over again.

I realized I had been looking down at the table, trying hard not to cry, then I looked up at him, he looked away.

"I was really wrong to think that you would stop being Jide for once. I thought that I would see more of your nice side, that part of you that tells me that he'll protect me and everything was fine, that part that stood up for me when I was called trash. That part that—"

Had passionate sex with me.

That more I thought about it, the more it hurt. I didn't say anything.

"Tell me one thing Jide. Did you or did you not feel it?"

He looked at me and I immediately reached out to the other side of the table and dragged him closer by the collar.

"Don't play dumb Jide, you felt it didn't you? Everytime we were together, even that morning, you felt it. Tell me you felt it."

I knew I sounded like I was begging but was I supposed to care? I looked deep into his eyes and saw it. His eyes couldn't lie.

"You did feel it.", I whispered, "And guess what? I felt it too."

I let go of him and he looked at me, unable to speak. I didn't expect I would turn Jide speechless this way. I seemed to have the upper hand for once.

"I fell in love with you Jide, despite everything you were. I trusted you like my life depended on it. And no matter how you lived selfishly, I tried as much as possible not to doubt your instincts. I was blindly in love. You know, it was something I didn't want to admit myself. Just as you didn't want to admit that you had feelings for me. I clearly understood that things were complicated."

I was glad that by now, tears were not pouring out. I was okay, I wasn't crying and best of all, I had said what I had been bottling up. I had nothing to lose now, did I? Betrayed by the one person I trusted with my life and to think I... loved him?

"You were asking me about the phone and those messages, right? Yes, I had been contacting him. We were even going to devise a plan. Glad you finally found out."

He looked slapped.

I didn't want to give him any stress by letting him think of it any further. He should believe what he felt was believable.

"No, Miriam. It's not true. I trusted you too. It just doesn't make sense."

"Well, does it look like you ever did? You were probably blind too. You shouldn't be surprised."

"Do you know what this means? You'll be detained. It means you turned against me and tried to harm me, it means you were apparently trying to thwart the case, they'd even suspect that you killed Dave and you'll be convicted."

"What do I care?", I snapped, "What are you going to do about it? What have you ever done about it?"

"It's true Jide. Whatever you're thinking, it's true. Just know for a fact that I had contact with Gabriel and whatever you deduce from it is your business. Now get out, I don't ever want to see you again. And as for trust, I won't ever trust you again, even if my life depended on it, or maybe anyone for that matter. And that's if I live long enough to meet someone else.", I added.

I turned away from him, I didn't want to see his next reaction but I didn't fail to catch a shocked expression.

I. Didn't. Care.

After a few minutes, I felt him walk away, then I heard the door open.

"Jide. One more thing."

I didn't hear anything, it indicated he was waiting to hear what I wanted to say.

"When Jamilah wakes up, thank her for me. She was one of the only real good things in my life."

I didn't say anything after that and I heard the door close a bunch of seconds later.

Then I turned and dropped on the chair before bursting into tears I had been holding for too long. The sound of me crying filled the empty room but I didn't care.

I loved him. Damnit.