Deadly as trust

Twenty-four: Jide

The house was deathly quiet.

If it reflected my thoughts completely, the place would have been noisy.

But the house did share two things with my mind. Its loneliness and darkness. Everything felt wrong, like I had made a mistake.

That's only because you did.

I held my head. Trying not to allow my thoughts to win.

Jamilah was gone, so was Miriam. The world around me suddenly did not make sense.

You're never enough, you're never right!

I held my head, trying not to let my thoughts win over but I was failing, badly.

"I'm sorry Miriam. I've made mistakes but I was only trying not to make more mistakes. Please try to understand that I would never hurt you.", I shouted even if no one was there, then I slumped on the chair.

"Even if I did still hurt you."

Suddenly I felt an overpowering anger. It was my fault Jamilah was hospitalized and my fault Miriam would have to face trial.

It was me — I made my own self lose. What kind of person was I?

I thought things had changed but they only became worse.

"I failed!", I screamed and kicked the center table away.

"I really failed."

I punched the chairs, I had to take out all my frustration. Emotions were clouding my judgement.

I pounded upstairs to my room and got myself some fresh clothes before leaving the house, into the late evening.

~~~

The lights were dim and as I continued walking, a few nightworkers whistled at me.

If Miriam was still working here, she wouldn't be whistling.

Stop thinking about Miriam, I chided myself.

But I couldn't stop. The guilt was killing me and — damnit — I still loved her. I was moving to the place where she sat to drink after I had saved her from the man who tried to physically harass her.

I remembered that night, I had come to check up on her for the first time and saw how people treated her as nothing. I couldn't stand by while he dragged her and talked badly to her no matter how much I tried to.

After the brief fight, I was almost escorted by the bouncers had I not settled them. Then I went to look for Miriam and I found her here.

I was at the bar now and I ordered for some alcohol. I had promised her I wouldn't go back to drinking but right now, it didn't matter.

The bartender brought the cup of amber liquid and I took a swig, allowing it to burn down my throat.

Ah, alcohol my old friend.

I wanted to get wasted and not think about anything I had going on now. I wanted to forget. I wanted to overpower my thoughts.

I emptied the cup.

Then another.

And another after that.

I kept going.

Eventually, I started feeling dizzy but not drunk yet. No, I wanted to be wasted.

Somebody appeared at my side and put her arm around my neck.

"Miriam?", my speech was slow but not slurred yet.

She laughed.

"An old wife? Ex- girlfriend?", that was not her voice.

I looked at her trying to piece together what she looked like. The dim lights and the dizziness in my head were against me.

I took a swig from my cup and dropped it back. She moved to stand in front of me so my legs were straddling her. She ran her hands over my chest up to my chin where she played with the short beard I had allowed to grow over the past few days.

"You need to take a break?", she purred.

I blinked. Then my hands curled around her waist and pulled her in. I could take in her perfume and I wouldn't lie, it was mesmerizing.

She put one of her arms around my neck and pulled me in. Then she came closer to me till I felt the softness of her breasts on me. Her other hand found its way to my crotch and moved over it several times.

I felt my member go hard at her touch and she slowly pushed my head closer before whispering in my ear.

"Whatever it is, I can take it away."

Yes, that was what I wanted, to take it all away. To forget.

I grabbed her face and brought it closer to mine till our lips met. I kissed her passionately but then I stopped.

It was nothing like that of Miriam. Everything was fake. She was fake.

It was like I had knocked some sense into me. I slowly pushed her away, pulled out a naira note — I wasn't sure which one — and dropped it for the bartender, before standing up.

I was going home.

I started with slow steps, trying not to stagger. At least I hadn't drank to stupor.

Idiot.

What was I even doing there in the first place? That was where she almost died.

Even if I would do it and ignore my safety, I wouldn't do it for the sake of Miriam.

I had to think of something, I couldn't do it while I was almost drunk. Miriam hadn't told me to stop drinking for me to break her promise. Things didn't go that way and I shouldn't break my promise.

I finally got to my house after a long time of trekking. I slammed the door and locked it.

Then I trailed the stairs to my room. I moved to the bathroom and washed my face several times before looking at my mirror. A tired-looking person with dull eyes looked back at me.

My head still felt dizzy and I managed to find the kitchen and mix garri and water before taking it down.

Then I went to the my room to have some painkillers just incase.

What was I thinking? I was supposed to try. Jamilah would have told me to try. She would've known what to do.

Jamilah.

I was going to check on her progress as soon as I could in the morning. I needed to see her. See how things were going at least.

Then I slumped on my bed.

I was not going to have a repeat of the past.