Broken (Matthew Espinosa)

Chapter 30

I'm sitting on the couch with Shawn right by me. "Alex... please stop crying. I know it hurts like hell." Shawn says. I can't stop crying though. He puts an arm around me but I throw it off. "Don't fucking touch me!" I yell at him. He just nods. I stand up. "Leave Shawn. Just fucking leave." I say and go up to my room. I slam the door and lock it.

It's been about an hour and all I've been doing is crying on my bed but now I've calmed down more. Not a surprise. I told you so. I pull out my diary. I start writing everything and when I'm done I just throw it across the room making a not fall out. I stand up and walk towards it picking it up and notice what it is. Its the note Matthew gave me when I was cutting. Tears well up again and I start crying.

I bet he really likes that girl. I fall to the floor and curl up in a ball. I cry violently and after about ten minutes decide what I have to do to make me stop. I pick myself up off the floor. It's difficult to stop but it's the only way. I walk into my bathroom and open a drawer for an eyeliner sharpener. I grab a screwdriver and take the blades out.

I rinse them off first then pull up my sleeve. I take my bracelets off... even Taylor's bracelet and put the blade to my wrist. Tears stream down my cheeks. I should've known. Why would Matthew ever want me? I wonder who dared him. Or if he just felt sorry. I slide the blade across my wrist slowly to feel the pain. The blood drips onto the floor.

I make at least nine cuts until I drop the blade and fall to my knees. Maybe the world would just be better off without you. Maybe it would. I'd at least be in peace. That's when I hear my name being called downstairs. It's Matthew. I hear him getting closer but I'm so exhausted that my eyes are dropping. I think I cut too deep. I hear my bedroom door open. I forgot to lock the doors. I raise my hand to lock the bathroom door but he already opens it.

He sees me and he's already been crying. I see his mouth yell my name but I can't hear anything. That's when it all turns black. I hope I'm dead. Everything would be better if I were dead. Nobody cares anyways.

I wake up with a huge headache. I lift my arm to hold my head but when I do my arm stings. I open my eyes to see I'm in my bed. My arm is bandaged and I have a wet rag on my forehead. I look around and then everything comes back to me and hits me like a brick. Yesterday was horrible. I start crying and then Matthew walks in and sees me. He runs to the bed and holds me and I keep trying to push him away. "Get the hell away from me." I try yelling but can't.

"Alex. I didn't kiss her." He says. "Yes you did." I say through tears. "No I didn't. Shawn showed up at the house with a girl... He wouldn't leave. She wouldn't stop hitting on me till the point where she pulled us outside. Then you came home and Shawn made you go to where me and this girl were." He's crying by now. "She started kissing me. I'm so sorry Alex." He says with tears falling down his eyes. I lightly hug him since I'm sore.

I start crying. "Alex... I don't want to hurt you anymore." Matthew says slowly. I look at him. "What do you mean?" I say slowly and worried. He looks down and tears fall on my bed. "Alex..." He says but I cut him off. "Matthew please don't say it. I know what you're gonna say." I say through tears. He's silent but then grabs my hand and looks me in the eye. "Alex... we need to breakup for now." He says slowly through his own tears.

I should be used to it right? But this felt like my other half just got thrown away. Torn off me. I'm alone. Officially alone. Nothing can cure me but him. He was the only thing that made me feel safe and happy. And now he's gone. I'm broken. His words cut me like razors. Except you can't see these scars... since they're on my heart. Everything is breaking. Maybe I just shouldn't be here.

Matthew left my room about an hour ago and now all I've been doing is hiding under my blankets and crying into my pillow. I hate Shawn. I hate everybody. But most of all... I hate me. I want to die. Maybe I should. It'd be way better if I did. How should I die though?

MATTS POV

I drop my blade and look at the scars I just made on my wrist. She was my everything. But I couldn't watch her get hurt anymore. Especially if it was my fault. I've been crying for what feels like forever. I can't imagine what's she's going through. I want to hug her and call her mine and kiss her and be happy. I'm broken. Without her I feel nothing. I'm numb.

I slide down the door so I'm sitting and just stare at my wrist. What am I supposed to do now? I wait at least thirty minutes and then clean my wrist up. I can't even cry anymore. I just stare blankly at walls and feel the pain consume me.

I pull my sweatshirt sleeve down and hide my scars. I love her so much.

ALEXS POV

Pills. That's how I'll die. I'll do it tonight. No one will have to worry about me anymore. No one will have to care. They won't even have to celebrate my birthday in two days. I lay silently in my bed biting my nails. Everything works out just fine.

My stomach growls but I make myself not eat. I'm starving though... But I can't. Not even before I die. I pull out pieces of paper and write my suicide note.

Dear someone,

Don't mourn over me. I'm not worth it. If anything I just made your life much better. I'm sorry that I had to hurt you. I'm sorry you had to see this. But I just wasn't meant to be here. I was born at the wrong time. My life has been a mess. I give you permission to read my diary. Anyone can if they want. Thank you to Ms.Caniff for taking me in and giving me a wonderful home. Thank you Jenn and Andrea for being he friends that I never had. I'm so sorry. I love you guys so much. Thank you Taylor for being the best brother ever even though you were gone most of the time. Thank you Cameron for comforting me. FYI Andrea likes you too. Just ask her out already. Thank you Nash and Jack for just being kind. I barely knew you guys but thank you. Thank you Vivian for being a great friend too. I hope you and Jacob work out. Shawn, thank a lot. I hope you're happy. Stop trying to rip things apart. Be a better person. Same with you Jake. And Matthew, thank you so much. You will always have my heart. You were the only thing that made me truly happy. My soul mate really. You broke up with me to protect me... but you did the wrong thing. I'm sorry. I love you. But at least now I'm in peace. Don't mourn over me guys. You'll see me again. And don't throw me a boring and sad funeral. Be happy and live your lives. I wouldn't want you to not live your lives because of me. I'll be watching from above.

Love,
Alex Valentine.

I'm bawling and throw the pen. I make myself get up and go into the bathroom. I open the drawers and pull pills out. I lay the note by the bathtub and get in the bathtub and sit down. I stare at the pills in my hand. I feel numb. Here goes nothing.