Broken (Matthew Espinosa)

Chapter 18

Warning: Long chapter and includes some of Alexs diary entries. Be prepared! Love you!

MATTS POV

I couldn't pay attention to the movie the whole time because I was thinking of Alex. What could be in her diary? I've already seen the Hunger Games a billion times so it's ok. Alex is resting on my shoulder. We finished eating a while ago and I'm waiting a little bit just to make sure she's fully asleep. I look up at Taylor and he nods meaning it's safe now.

I slowly get up and lay Alex down carefully. She's so beautiful when she's asleep. I sound like a creeper. "Don't worry. If she wakes up I'll tell her you're in the bathroom and text you if she does." Taylor whispers to me. I nod in approval. I slowly make my way upstairs. I get to her door and my head is spinning. I'm nervous she'll figure out me and Taylor read it. Or worse.... just me.

I slowly open her door and her diary isn't on her bed anymore. I slowly shut her door and walk slowly over to the bed. My first instinct is to look under the pillow because that's the most obvious spot to hide it. But she hid I there... how obvious? I slowly grab the purple thick notebook.

I sit on her bed and slowly open it to the first page.

Dear Alex (future me),

I hope life is good right now. I'm twelve right now and my life is hell. Let me explain. Dad died when we were very young, mom was addicted to sex and drugs and didn't have money or cared for me so one day she just left. I refused to go to any family members houses because they all are mean. So now I've been to three foster homes. My first one I was there for a month and they hated having such a little child so they gave me away. The second one I accidentally broke a dish and I was done. And now I've been in this abusive horrible house for maybe three years. If I don't do my chores good enough I'm abused. I get locked up in the attic which is my bedroom and have nothing to do. They don't let me play or go outside unless it's to go to school or mow the lawn. I'm tempted to self harm and think I will. I just got done being abused. The neighbors are good though. They care for me but can't keep me sadly.

Love,
Twelve year old Alex

Next entry. (I read through a bunch of it but am skipping ahead to different entries.)

Dear Alex,

I'm now thirteen years old and an in eighth grade. I just got a prank pulled on me at a pool party. (Story about Nate Bradley's pool party)

Love,
Alex

Dear Alex,

I've started cutting after the Nate thing. It's horrible. I'm going to a new foster home tomorrow. But before I go I need to say bye to the neighbors and get my daily beating from my foster mom. I hate my life. I hate it. Nothing good is happening to me. I feel like my life is nothing and worthless. Nobody hears me when I cry, nobody cares, I've never had a true friend, and I can't trust anyone or open up to anyone. I want to leave this place and live on an island with my true love in a beach house while writing fascinating books. But no... I don't even think I'll be blessed enough to find true love.

Love,
Alex

Dear Alex,

I've got abused today after school. I'm now fifteen and got another trick pulled on me. Girls pretended to be my best friends, boys pretended to like me, then at homecoming at the dance they all poured punch on me and laughed. What the hell did I do to them? Nothing. I'm with the worst foster mom ever. Her name is Agatha. She abuses me daily all the time. I do chores for her all the time. No neighbors who care for me. My thighs are scarred drastically. So is my wrist. Nobody knows about it and never will. I'm really lonely. I have been all these years. I've never been able to join a sport. I've snuck out plenty of times to watch the older kids play football or baseball, basketball and volleyball. One of the older kids gave me a glove before a game once and showed me how to play catch. I've been going to that baseball field for a while now and they showed me how to bat. But now it's winter and I can't go anymore. I've been really hungry lately. Not that I starve myself but the fact that this place has like no food and I don't have money to buy lunch at school. I've recently got an iPhone shipped to me from the nice neighbors that I've had. I've met lots of people like me online. They are truly my friends. I can actually tell them anything. It's nice. I love you future Alex.

Love,
Alex

Then I keep reading until I make it to when she gets here.

Dear Alex,

I'm currently now in LA. I've left Agatha and now live in a mansion and have friends and food. Can you believe that!? I've been told by my foster brother Taylor Caniff to stay away from Matthew Espinosa because he doesn't want me to get hurt. But Matthew seems broken like me. He gets bullied by this guy named Jake and barely stood up for. Seriously??? Honestly.... Matthew is really cute and nice but I can't trust anyone. Not at all.
(She writes about school and the bully situation and her friends)

Love,
Alex

Dear Alex,

So today I've cut again because of Matthew. He got mad about Jake and the bullying and stormed off. Then after he stormed off I stood up for him. He totally changed and was mean towards me. He watched me get bullied. Pushed around. Shoved. I knew I couldn't trust anyone. Now he's living with us because he has no where else to go because his mom did what my mom did and randomly left. I talked to him but that was before he turned into a dick.

Love,
Alex

(Read about the party and our icecream day)

Dear Alex,

Me and Matthew went to the beach and had a great time. I thought I was crushing on him and maybe he even liked me but he went to get us smoothies and I saw him kissing Brittany's slutty friend there. I ran home and cut myself again. How could he do this to me? Again!

I just got done cutting and carved pathetic into my wrist. But Matthew explained to me everything. She smashed them together and Matthew didn't even kiss back. He pulled away and told her to knock it off then saw me. He followed me home and has now seen my scars. I shut him out and cried on my bed.

Matthew slipped a note under my door which is right here. (Note is in diary) He really cares for me. I really care for him. I think I'm falling for him. He makes me happy and actually cares for me.

Love
Alex

And I finished her diary. There's a bunch in there and I feel horrible for all she's been through. I can't believe she actually likes me. She's falling for me? I'm falling for her. Damn I care so much about her. But one thing really stood out to me. She's a great writer and I love her poetry. Like this one.

I'm all alone
Nobody cares
All they seem to do is stare
I have no friends
I am abused
I only get friends
When they're fake and I'm used
Nobody listens
I don't think I'm pretty
I don't have hope
And nobody has pity
I'm not loved
Only by God
But I don't feel loved
Cause he doesn't respond
I am creative
I have a great mind
I come off as very kind
I've fought back
I've done bad crimes
I've stolen from stores
I do it all the time
Yes I've been caught
But I was hungry
But nobody cares
Nope.... nobody
I've thought about death
Just a rope and a chair
But things might change
So that wouldn't be fair
Maybe one day I'll finally be happy
Ana might leave
What a mess I've made
But for now I'm unhappy
With my best friend the blade

She's such a great writer and I'm crying. I feel horrible. I can't hurt her again. I put her diary back and process it. I cry hard. I wipe my face constantly. I think I'm in love with her. I think I'm in love with Alex Valentine.