Careless

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taken from: Skypan on Ao3
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Jay sits huddled in the closet of his dorm room. He's locked the door and is crying as quietly as he can, staring at the fresh cuts he's just made on his arms. He hasn't cut since back on the Isle, but today he just can't help it. Thinking back to how the day began, a fresh flood of tears comes over him.
......
Jay's day started out badly when he woke up late. Because of that he was late for Tourney practice and got chewed out by the coach in front of his entire team. "You are supposed to be a leader here Jay! You cannot afford to be lazy and careless like this!" Jay winced, knowing he was right and promising to do better before being sent to run laps while Chad, his default, got to take his spot for the day.
Of course in the locker room Chad had to be a total jerk about it, bragging about some of the plays he pulled while shooting sideways glances at Jay. "Honestly, I just think it's someone who wants the spot permanently should do, I mean unless you want to be stuck on the bench like that stupid de Vil was last season, you have to really care about the team."
At the mention of his boyfriend Jay tensed up, but managed to hold himself back. Ignore him, he's not worth it. He could hear the words coming from Carlos's mouth as they so often did before Jay was about to punch someone, and he almost managed to calm down, until Chad opened his mouth again.
"I'm so glad that fag is gone, it was obvious he was looking at all of us while we were changing. What a creep!" At this point the other guys were flat out ignoring Chad, since most of them were actually decent people, but that didn't stop Jay from pinning Chad up against the lockers.
"You would be lucky if someone as amazing as Carlos even so much as looked at you, you scum," Jay snarled from clenched teeth.
"Oh, sorry, I forgot that his slutty boyfriend is here too. Everyone knows that "bi" means whore, Jay," Chad mocked. No one really blamed Jay for socking him in the face, but unfortunately the prince's screams brought the coach rushing in. No matter how provoked he was, the blood on Jay's hands was still punishable.
Next thing he knows he's sat in the fairy godmother's office, his hand bruised from hitting Chad in the jaw, and the Fairy Godmother frowning at him sadly. "Jay, you're better than this. You know you don't need to be physical with people anymore, next time use your words."
"Yeah, well he wasn't listening and I was tired of trying," he said bitterly.
"Dearie, you can't slip back into Isle mannerisms. You can't be so careless again. I'm afraid I have to give you two weeks detention and you are suspended from playing in the next Tourney game," she sighed while writing down the punishment.
"But FG!" He protested, standing up and stepping closer to her desk. "Please, I gotta play in the next Tourney game! It's against our biggest rivals!"
"You should have thought of that before beating up Mr. Charming," she said stonily before handing him the detention slip.
He sighed and put the slip in his pocket, walking out without as much as a backwards glance.
......
His classes passed in a blur of being reprimanded for inadequate homework ("Mr. Jay, you can't be so careless! You've been here for months now!") And being told to pay attention.
When lunch finally came he was relieved, hoping his friends would be sympathetic at least.
However when he reached their normal table, he found none of his friends there. He pulled out his phone and found three texts. Mal was eating with Ben, Evie was at some sort of Chemistry club meeting, and Carlos was tutoring Sir Leo.
That last one got under Jay's skin. Sir Leo is the son of Sir Lancelot, known for being brave, handsome, smart, and worst of all, very gay. Considering the knight's reputation he probably doesn't even need the tutoring. Visions of Sir Leo and Carlos giggling together about how stupid Jay is before making out are torturing Jay.
Jay spends lunch alone, considering whether or not Carlos would like him better if he cut his hair and started studying more.
......
After detention, Jay goes back to his shared dorm room and is happy to find Carlos there. Carlos is sitting at his desk, his back turned to Jay, tinkering with some project or another.
Jay threw his bag down by the door and flopped on his bed, groaning loudly.
"Long day?" Carlos asked without so much as looking up.
"You could say that," he said before beginning to open up about his day. He wasn't much of a talker, never has been, but since he trusted Carlos so much he wanted to try and talk out is problems.
However, Carlos was barely listening. He wasn't even being discreet about it! He just muttered "mhm" or "really?" whenever Jay stopped for breath.
Jay glared at Carlos. "Yeah, and then Jane and I made out at lunch since you ditched me."
"That's nice," was the vague response he got.
Jay got up and stomped over to the desk, turning Carlos's chair away from his work. "You're not even listening to me!"
Carlos looked surprised and a little guilty. "Sorry Jay, I was just so focused on my invention. It's going to give cat's medicine without them getting all angry and scratchy."
"But you're a dog person now..." Jay said, confused and suspicious.
"Yeah, I'm actually making it for Leo. He gave me the idea while I was helping him with math-"
"Leo?!" Jay exclaimed, looking hurt. "You know that guy just wants to get in your pants!"
"What, so I can't have friends unless they want me for something?" It was Carlos's turn to look wounded.
"That's not what I meant and you know it!" Jay said, slamming his hand down on the desk. Unfortunately this caused Carlos's machine to fall to the floor and break into about a hundred pieces. They both stared at it in silent shock for a minute before Carlos started shouting.
"Look what you've done Jay! I said I could finish it by tomorrow, and now I have to start all over again!"
"Car, I'm so sorry, I didn't mean to-"
"I know, you never mean to. You have to stop being so careless!" Carlos got up and stormed over to the door.
"Where are you going?" Jay asked sadly.
"I'm going out to get some new parts I need because the old ones are ruined. Maybe that will give you some time to get yourself together!" the door slammed behind him.
......
And that is how he ended up in this closet, clutching a razor blade in his hand.
He hears the dorm door open and shut and the quiet movements of Carlos moving around. At least he doesn't sound angry anymore.
"Jay?" Carlos asks quietly, but he keeps quiet, not wanting Carlos to see his weakness.
Everything went quiet as Carlos searched the room, and then even more suspiciously quiet until Jay heard Dude bark from directly outside the closet. In a second he can hear the click of the lock and then is flooded in light from the room, Carlos's small frame standing in front of him.
All Jay can do is try to quickly wipe off his tears and hide his arms. Carlos kneels down and looks Jay in the eyes. "I'm sorry," he said softly. "I saw Ben in the hall and he told me about how bad your day has gone. I shouldn't have yelled at you either..."
Jay is so glad to finally here something nice that he instinctively wraps his arms around his boyfriend and pulls him close. This is a mistake, of course, because nothing can go right for Jay today.
Carlos looks down at a smudge of blood on his hand and then his eyes travel to Jay's cuts. Jay quickly screws his eyes shut, afraid of seeing pity in his eyes, or worse, disgust. He feels Carlos pull away from him and a few more tears drip out as he is sure he's about to be laughed at. Because he's weak, he's showing emotions and blaming himself and that's weak.
Instead Carlos comes back with a first aid kit and begins patching up his cuts, surely noticing the scars of older ones too, but not mentioning them at this moment. He leaves kisses over his arms like butterflies landing and then gently wipes away his tears using his thumbs. "Why?" He whispers, the first ting he's said during this whole process.
"B-because I'm stupid and I can't do anything right and I'm so careless a-and it feels like everyone's been avoiding me because they know that I'm not worth the time. And then when I came back and you were talking about that Leo and I know he's so smart and handsome and you guys must get along so well, but I don't know how to be like him-"
"Whoa, whoa, whoa," Carlos said quickly. "Whoever said you should be like Leo?"
"Well no one, but I just thought that you seem like you like him so much that if I didn't change you might... You might..." Jay can't bear to push the words out of his burning throat.
Carlos gives a shallow laugh and leans into Jay's grip again. "I would never leave you for Leo. He thinks he's the best thing ever, and have you ever stood near him? He uses way too much cologne." Jay chuckles lightly, the first time he feels like he's smiled all day. "Jay, I want you. I want to be with you because I like YOU. Flaws and all. Hot head and bad grades and quick fists, I want it all."
"You really mean that? You wouldn't like me better with short hair or something?" Jay asks tenderly, looking vulnerable.
Carlos shakes his head and laughs again. "I would like you with short hair, but I like it just as much long."
With that Jay pulled Carlos to him, nuzzling his face into the crook of his neck. Eventually they moved to the couch and Carlos let Jay tell him all about his day, properly paying attention and obviously staying very invested ("Chad called you a whore?! Oh my god, I'm going to kill him! I swear I'm going to-"). That night Carlos fell asleep in Jay's arms, and Jay watched his sleeping face for a while, admiring how angel like he is when asleep.
Maybe I am careless about some things, he thought to himself. But I care a whole lot about you.

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