A Thousand Moments

Chapter 13- Unspoken Words

Alanna Sky Bauer

Words have different impact depending on how you put it together, it could either change or break a person's heart. Astrid's words were like shards of glass piercing my heart, it broke me in every way possible seeing and hearing her beg again and again. As much as I hate doing this, I have to, I want to save her from a much more terrible pain than this... and it would be easier for both of us to let go when the last moment comes.

I drove from the school to outside of town trying to find places where no one could find me, a new place, untouched by people. Doing this made me feel closer to Astrid even if we're not together right now.

After driving for what felt like a few hours, I saw the sun was already below the horizon it's light scattered in the sky creating a twilight where the world isn't completely lit but also isn't completely dark. I haven't seen any place worth stopping for, it's like no place seems beautiful or right without her.

A few more minutes passed by and I decided to stop on the side of the road. I stepped out of my car and admired the remaining minutes of the sunset, the night slowly fade in with gleaming stars filling up the moonless sky. It's as if the universe imaged what I'm going through, without Astrid everything's like a moonless night, I was a star without a moon to accompany, without a moon to admire, without a moon to shine for. Tears fell from my eyes as her words repeated in my mind, with her cries echoing inside as well, making my heart hurt more and more.

The sky became lonelier when the clouds started to cover the once starry night, suddenly rain started to pour, making me go back inside the car. When I felt like I was losing my mind again, I turned on the radio listening to whatever song was on as long as it distracted me from everything. "That's Us" a song I used to listen to by Anson Seabra started playing.

🎶 "I shoulda known it wouldn't happen 'cause it wasn't right
I shoulda known it 'cause it happens every goddamned time"

The song made my thoughts sound even louder instead of distracting me from it, along with the rain that seemed to coexist with tears dripping from my eyes. It felt as if fate's playing me, mocking me of the emotions I'm feeling, retelling the story of how everything fell apart, reminding me over and over again of what I did.

🎶 "I can take the fall, the pain, the pleasure
And you can take it all, for worse, or better
But oh, what if we're wrong?
What if we're not all that we thought?"

The song was speaking my mind, it's like I was speaking to myself. I could take the pain of what I'm doing as long as it kept Astrid safe from the misery she'd be put in because of me, what I couldn't take is to see her suffer even more if I don't push her away. I know she'd say she's okay, but what if she's wrong? What if she leaves me too when she gets weary? I wouldn't be able to take it if she'd leave because she's tired of me, I know how it feels and coming from her it would hurt a thousand times more. I guess her giving up on me scared me as much as seeing her in pain.

🎶 "We couldn't help it but you know that doesn't make it right
You say I'm selfish but I know you felt the same inside"

Before I completely lose myself in listening to this song, I turned off the radio. The rain also finally stopped pouring. I started the car and went home without finding a single new place, an "untouched treasure", she described it.

•••••

As the days pass by Astrid still kept reaching out from time to time no matter how many times I shut her out, and when she doesn't, at days she gets tired, I'd catch her looking at me and I can tell she's hurting. But seeing her getting her old life back reminded me of why I'm doing this and why I should keep doing this no matter how hard it is.