A Thousand Moments

Chapter 16- Lies

Alanna Sky Bauer

With every step I take away from her I was constantly being led back to where she is. It felt as if I was running a mile only to get lost and find myself right where I started.

Like a lost traveler, I'd find myself going back to the same place over and over again, every path I take would lead me to where she is, every turn I make I'd find her there. Astrid held on to me, she didn't give up. I'd constantly push her away only for her to pull me back even closer. Not even once did she try to surrender, no matter how many times I try to make it hard for her, no matter how many times I'd hurt her, she never faltered and she never let go of me. She kept her words and everyday she'd show me what her words meant, everyday she reminded me I was worth fighting for, making me realize she really deserves so much better than me.

At school she'd always sit with me at lunch, trying to start a conversation and most of the time I wouldn't utter a word, so she'd tell stories about herself or simple things about people that other's wouldn't remember but to her is like a poem she'd already memorized and understood. She told me how Addy has a habit of biting her fingernails whenever she gets nervous, that's why she never wore nail polish, strange for a popular girl. She also described Madison as someone who has a "hidden intelligence", although I find it hard to believe, but it's her words so I believe it anyway. Then she told me about myself, she knew me like the back of her hand, and even more than I know myself.

To her, I was like her other half, she knew every part even the smallest details. She studied me, and got to know me so well that she could describe me in a way no one ever could, not even myself.

Lost in thoughts, I found myself flashing back to when Astrid would tell me things about myself I was also surprised to know.

"Do you know that you have a habit of rubbing your thumb on your palm whenever you're scared or nervous"

"You unconciously used to hold my hands when we're together, I miss that"

"You always try to stop yourself from laughing whenever you find something funny but ends up smiling anyway"

I would always find myself stealing glances of her, I couldn't help it sometimes. She'd giggle whenever her friends jokingly teased her. Whenever she follows me to the library, she'd read this one book over and over, The Shack by William P. Young, and when she gets to a part she's specially fond of a smile would appear on her face and she'd utter the quote to me

"Forgiveness is first for you, the forgiver...to release you from something that will eat you alive; that will destroy your joy and your ability to love fully and openly."

Her eyes glows as she reads the book  showing that it connects with her in another level, it felt as if she understood what the character was going through.

The books we read tells us so much about each other and while she knew me and why I read Lost Connections by Johann Hari, I could never tell why she was attached to this particular book.

During class, Astrid would give me notes reminding me of her promise. Some would be so simple and random like how the weather is, the world around us, or about school. Other notes felt as deep as how her thoughts are whenever she's pondering about life, her notes described my smile as seeing millions of fireflies. She depicted my eyes as the deepest parts of the ocean and getting caught in it would be trouble but a trouble she's willing to be in. She told me that my thoughts were more vast than the galaxy we're in and if she'd get lost in it she wouldn't mind, at least she'd be able to see the beauty of it. Everything she did for me made me want her more but all the same made me want to shield her more from catastrophes I might bring. Loving requires great sacrifice and this is the sacrifice I'm willing to make to keep her safe.

After classes are over, everyday Astrid would wait for me and even walk me to my car, she didn't care if I pretended to disregard her efforts or ignore her completely, she'd still stick around.

"20th day" said Astrid as she pursed her lips and lowered her head

"I've been doing this for 20 days" she added while slowly raising her head

"It goes to show how far I'd push myself just to get you back and let me tell you I am not anywhere near giving up" she uttered as beads of tears escape her eyes.

"I can do this for 20 days more, and after that I'd do it again for another 20 days, and another, and another" Astrid added as her hazel eyes met mine

I'm sorry, I hope you know everything I'd say at this point is a lie.

"God Astrid why won't you just give up?" I shouted making her step back

"I don't need you okay? Stop doing this to yourself, you're starting to look like an idiot" I added

"Do you really think I'm doing this for you? Stop fooling yourself Astrid, stop this and stay away from me" with every word that comes out of my mouth I felt a sharp pain in my chest

"You really don't get it Alanna, do you?" She asked, her eyes full of tears

"I guess it's really true, it makes you do crazy things, and makes a fool out of yourself" she uttered as she stepped closer to me

"It makes you do things you don't usually do, it blinds you of the pain, it makes you want to suffer anything if it meant having that person close to you" Astrid cupped my face as the words escape her mouth

"If it isn't still obvious, what I'm trying to say is..." she paused as she took a deep breath and looked into my eyes

"I'm in love with you, I know it's crazy, and I don't know what people might think or say, all I know is what I'm feeling is real, it is what it is, I... I love you"as she uttered those words my mind went completely blank, words couldn't describe the emotions I'm feeling.

I don't know whether I should be happy because she feels the same or heartbroken knowing what I put her through and what I'm going to say might make her change her mind.

"I... I don't f--" Before the words slipped my mouth she leaned closer to my ears

"For once, don't say anything, I don't want another lie from you" she whispered then left a kiss on my cheek

As she pulled away from me she put her hands in her pockets raising her head to look at me. I saw her eyes full of the pain I caused her.

"I'll pretend everything you said, and about to say weren't true, it'll be less painful then" she uttered before turning around and walking away.

221st.

She loves me, but I can't have her.

I wanted to chase her, I wanted to pull her back to me, I wanted to tell her the truth that I love her, that I want her back but that would mean breaking her. The thought of her hurting more if I was in her life stopped me.

I stood frozen for a couple of minutes before I felt raindrops fall on me. It felt as if the world knew our pain, the rain pouring along with the tears streaming down my face hid the fact that I was crying. Before I got drenched by the rain, I immediately stepped inside my car. As soon as I closed the door I started sobbing as the sound of the rain hitting the ground suppressed my cries.

"Loneliness isn’t the physical absence of other people, he said—it’s the sense that you’re not sharing anything that matters with anyone else." A quote from Lost Connections

I found someone I shared my thoughts with, my emotions, my feelings. I found someone I have a connection with. But in the blink of an eye, lost it all at once and finding myself going back to the loneliness of having no one.