A Thousand Moments

Prolouge

Alanna Sky Bauer

Here I am again, running. Running from pain, desolation, depression, and emptiness.

It has been like this for years now, I can't even remember the memories before I had fallen into this abyss that seems like a tape on loop. I can't remember what it's like to feel happy, to feel fulfilled, to feel like there isn't an endless void you're trying to fill.

It all started December 21st in the year 2014.

I woke up in a hospital, right there and then I felt lost, I felt empty. I somehow felt like all the weight of the world was on my shoulders, all alone, with no one to help me.

I lost all my memories. Retrograde amnesia.

It was permanent, and they said nothing could ever bring back those memories. I became depressed, and the thing about depression is that people thought that it's all about the sadness, loneliness, pain, or emotions that are too overwhelming to handle. But mine's not just that, sometimes it's like a poison slowly paralyzing my body, leaving me with the feeling of numbness. No joy, no sadness, no pain, just empty.

What's worse was we lost my mom in that accident, my dad kept blaming himself, and distanced himself from us, in the morning he'd drown himself in work, and at night he'd drown in his emotions and alcohol.

My sister on the other hand ran away from us. I couldn't blame her for leaving, I guess she'd rather leave than be stuck with this mess, I know I would too. But how can I ever run away? I am the mess, and the problem with being the mess is you could never really run away from yourself, hell, you can't even ignore yourself when you want to.

Maybe that's the thing about mess, when you can't fix it, you leave it that way until it just becomes part of your definition of "normal". Then I guess I am a mess that no one can fix now, so like every broken thing in this world I get... abandoned.

Then, I became too much of a burden to bear. My whole life has become the definition of misery, and wouldn't it be better to just end it?

December 21st 2019

It's been 5 years since I have lost my memories, all those years I have only been thinking about ending it all. Those 5 years have only felt like I was stuck on a time loop, there's no going back, no moving forward, stuck in the same situation over and over and over again.

The most painful part is you're not just stuck with the moments, you're also stuck with the emotions that comes with it. Again, and again, and again– you're falling apart, and everything comes rushing back to you until it overwhelms you, and then... you feel nothing.

They say feeling lonely, sad, unhappy is the worst feeling, but it's not, it's the feeling of emptiness, because you never know what you need to ease up that feeling, or even stop that feeling, so then, it just eats you.

I'm standing on the edge of the roof of my dad's company, tears are falling down my cheeks along with the rain falling from the sky.

I had thoughts of ending my life so many times but I never did it, maybe because I never had the courage to end it, and maybe I was afraid it's not going to change anything, and maybe because if it won't work, and then I'd still be alive.

Shit.

I have to stop thinking.

Alanna let's just do this please, let's end this.

This is the first, and maybe the last time I'm going to do this. Tonight, I just wish for this hell to stop, not just for me but for all the people close to me because it seems like I bring destruction to everyone around me.

It's like everything I touch ends up being a mess, I know what it feels like and I don't want to cause someone that kind trouble anymore.

As I was about to jump, right before I close my eyes, I caught a glimpse of a bright light "1000" it says on the screen.

What the heck is that?

I guess some lucky person won the promo from that mall across the street.

Funny enough that right now I believed in luck, when all my life I've only been dealt with disaster that has led me to this point, standing on the egde.

I felt the wind push me back, and I fell to the ground, and snapped back to reality, I realized what I was doing and bursted into tears again.

I want everything to end but why can't I just do it? Every moment of my life, or at least the ones I remember in this 5 years of despair has been pointing to me ending my life, but I couldn't understand why I can't do it.

This is the closest I came to ending it all, because just the thought crossing my mind would make me cry.

I don't know why I cry, I badly want to end this, I want to stop this record on repeat, I just want to jump, but I can't.

A million thoughts came into my head again.

What if you didn't die and it made things worse?

Alanna why can't you just end it?

Do you really think they'd still care for you?

You are a mess deal with it!

I looked at the sign again "1000".

That's it.

It gave me an idea, and maybe the dumbest one I have.

For someone who's stuck in the same misery over and over in this moment I believed in what people call "fate". Maybe by doing this I can finally end everything, by doing this I'd have a thousand reasons to stop existing.

One thousand moments. After a thousand moments, I will finally be able to embrace the death I've always wanted for myself.

A thousand moments and maybe finally my suffering will stop.