A Thousand Moments

Special Chapter 10

Astrid Summer Flores

Silence once again conquered the night, not a sound could be heard. Darkness, darkness occupied the once vibrant place, like the void inside of me, it ate up the light leaving no trace, leaving nothing behind. I sat up as I am unable to sleep, I looked to my side and what a beautiful sight she was, Alanna, she looks like a million fireflies in this continuously growing dim world. I love her, so much that I couldn't bear the thought of breaking her, I love her so much that I'd choose to leave to save her from despair than stay and ruin her. I stood up and from the bedside window I could see the moon peeking, along with millions of stars. I walked out of the house and into the garden slowly I watched as time stood frozen in a home, a home, I considered it, as it was encompassed with love and happiness something I could never have. I sat by the garden not even looking anywhere else but the stars, it felt like I was under some sort of enchantment. The stars accompanied me on my lonely nights, the moon embraces me as ocean of tears drown me, they've been my companion since then and now I wish to join them.

A few hours had gone by, I was left feeling empty as the moon continues to shine brightly. I'd been in the light for too long that I had completely forgotten what darkness was like, making it even harder to face, to conquer, and even harder to fight. I walked back to Alanna's room, there she is still sleeping soundly, unaware of the distorted thoughts inside me. I walked back to my side of the bed, sat down and stared at her. I laid my soft gaze upon her memorizing every intricate detail about her, her soft lips, her beautiful closed eyes, her prominent nose. I love every part of her, every single imperfection. Seeing her makes me think twice about leaving knowing that I'm gonna miss out on everything she might become, her millions of moments to come, I wish I could be a part of her future but I'm afraid that future would fall apart if I stay, I am pulling her down like I'm drowning and she tries hard to stay afloat.

I laid down beside her, I put her arms around me and she unconcsiously wrapped me tighter. I looked at her, God, she's stunning even when asleep. When beauty meets insane and happiness kisses tears, you'd find me sitting on the edge of it holding on for dear life as I scream your name, as if it was the plane underneath catching me as I fall and let go, my scream echoes calling upon your love hoping they were wings that'd safely, gently land me in your arms. Tonight as I fall asleep next to you, my heart would interwine with yours for the last time, I'll hold you close, and tight like I never did before, and when I leave this place I'd lay mine upon your pillow lips, leaving a sweet memory, yet a painful goodbye, tears would fall and I hope as it dries it takes your memories of me if it means you'd be free from the pain that might rise upon you, I love you so much but I surrender. Tomorrow as the horizon cradles the sun, I'll be gone, and along with the changing winds so too shall my life fly along with them, finally I'd be in peace.

3am

I've been awake for too long now, but I could even watch the sunrise if I wanted to. I don't feel sleepy at all, yet I feel so tired, when I close my eyes the sensation of exhaustion fades away feeling just as if it only existed for a split second but when I open them back it also all comes running back to me, is this a sign? That I might as well close my eyes for all eternity to get rid of this ceaseless weariness I constantly feel.

End this now.

Kill yourself.

Do it.

End it.

Funny how the once whispering voices in my head seemed to scream out loud now, telling me all the horrible things they continuously speak of.