A Thousand Moments

Chapter 17- Her Story

Alanna Sky Bauer

A

s I was driving back to my house, tears were blurring my vision. Thoughts of her occupied my mind, and as I got clouded with emotions I started losing focus on the road. The road was slippery due to the pouring rain causing me to lose control. I started to swerve making me hit the brakes as hard as I could. Luckily, this town has a wide road with few cars going in and out.

222nd.

Almost.

I parked my car on the side of the road and waited for the rain to subside. My eyes stopped crying but my heart kept aching, I didn't know how to ease the pain anymore. I laid my head back trying to get her off my mind but everytime I close my eyes she was the only one I could see. I focused on the sound of the rain as it hit the roof of my car but it only reminds me of the tears she shed because of me. I tried playing music but the sad melody seemed to worsen the pain. There was nothing I could do but stare blankly into space as pain crept in, draining me emotionally and physically. Ironically, words could not express how excruciatingly painful it is to feel nothing after all your emotions drown you. Unintentionally, I fell asleep and it felt peaceful.

Sleeping was like cheating both life and death, it feels as if you're in the middle of both. Sleep is death without having to die, and living but not alive. If I could stay in this deep slumber forever only to escape reality, I would.

I woke up and it also stopped raining, I started my car and drove back, I rolled my window down and the petrichor smell of the road seeped through my nose. The rain left a scent, a trace that it was once here, the same with tears, it leaves a trace not on our faces but on our soul. If every tear we cried leaves marks on our soul, then would there still be space for new ones on mine?

The gravity felt unusually strong for me today, feeling like I was carrying the weight of the world as I walk inside the house. I was surprised to see dad in the living room, he was watching television, he never did that, this was the first. I walked pass him but he didn't even give me a glance.

"Dad" the sound of hopelessness evident in my voice

He didn't look at me but I saw him avert his eyes from the television

"You said I'll be fine..." I uttered

"I'm still not" I added as I reached for my door

He didn't respond or turned to look at me, he only kept looking down.

I entered my room with my defeated expectation that my father might feel concern for me. Exhaustion was slowly overtaking my body, all I wanted was to get rid of the pain, get rid of my emotions, I wanted to sleep and maybe I'd wake up and things would be different.

Just get through tonight Alanna.

I drifted to sleep and finally I was disburdened from my emotions, thoughts, and pain. I had no dreams, dreams would only make waking up more challenging than it is.

•••••

7:56 AM

I've thought of multiple scenarios in my mind of what I'd do when I see Astrid, all of them would end up a disaster. With fear crawling through my body I walked inside hoping not to run into her, hoping she wouldn't look for me. My footsteps echoed as I draw near the room, I was afraid I might see her without finding the right words to say or without knowing the right thing to do. I hesistated to enter the room and stopped in front of the door.