The Outsiders Headcannons

**SAD** Just A Dream (Songfic) - Soda

It was two weeks after the day she turned eighteen
All dressed in white, going to the church that night
Soda proposed! He proposed and even though you knew that people would be quick to judge you, a pretty young soc girl getting married to a greaser. And such a hasty marriage too! You knew your old friends would think you'd been knocked up. And the thing was that for some reason, you didn't care. It didn't matter to you what anyone thought about your decision, even your families. The only thing that mattered was that you were in love and you were getting married. Your gown was beautiful, and even though Soda couldn't afford a fancy suit, he looked handsome. When his eyes met the white dress and the slightly nervous grin you wore on your face, tears started to form. Not only for the joy of the moment, but the fact that tomorrow he'd be gone, unsure of if he'd see you again.
She had his box of letters in the passenger seat
He wrote to you as much as he could he'd sent you condensed letters full of 'I love you' and 'make sure Pony's doing well in school', or 'can you tell Darry to relax every once in a while, he always forgets'. He'd ask how you were holding up and you'd sent back thick envelopes detailing how your lives were while he was gone, knowing this was all you'd get for a while. You drove with his letters on the passenger seat, which might've seemed strange but it was a piece of him. And if you tried hard enough, sometimes it almost felt like he was right there with you.  You kept them there in case something reminded you too much of him, and you lost it. You kept them there so that you could read them and feel better for a few short lived moments.
Sixpence in her shoe
Something borrowed, something blue
You were always thinking about your wedding. How he lifted you in his arms, how you wore his grandmothers ring. You thought about the blue ornaments in your hair, and how you knew you should have saved the money but you couldn't stop yourself from buying them. But now the only thing that was blue was you.
And when the church doors opened up wide
She put her veil down trying to hide the tears
Now you were at the church for another reason, and this one made you shake too, but not with joy. Today you weren't wearing white, you were dressed in black and you couldn't hold back the tears when you saw the flag. The flag over the casket and the men in uniforms.
Oh she just couldn't believe it
She heard the trumpets from the military band
And the flowers fell out of her hands
You were supposed to lay the flowers down but then they fell. You were supposed to hold it together but you couldn't. When they started the song, you felt like you couldn't breathe because it meant that it was really done. He was gone and he wasn't coming back. And you think sometimes that it was the hardest part, knowing he wasn't coming home.
Baby, why'd you leave me, why'd you have to go
I was counting on forever, now I'll never know
Sometimes you're angry. Sometimes you convince yourself you hate him for leaving you. You're angry and bitter and miserable and you hate him. How selfish is he to leave you all alone. It's easier to be angry, because the anger is warm and doesn't leave you with your throat sore and your eyes red. But the anger never lasts. It always comes back to the icy sadness that leaves a lump in your throat.
I can't even breathe
It's like I'm looking from a distance,
Standing in the background
You sit at the kitchen table, silent and blank. You sit and you watch Steve and the smallest most despicable part of loathes him for coming home instead of Soda. And he loathes himself even more for the same reason.
Everybody's saying, he's not coming home now,
This can't be happening to me
Your father never did like Soda very much, so he just loved to rub it in that he was gone. He said it was what happened to trash, he said that maybe if he had been smarter he would have survived. That was when you stopped coming back for Christmas.
This is just a dream
Sometimes you have these dreams when you don't want to wake up. Dreams of the past. Of Soda kissing you and hugging you. Of movie nights or visits when he was working. Other times you wake up crying. Crying for the future you might have had. You can see a little boy and girl, you see Soda in love with you and being the best father he could be. When you wake up, you feel too weak to get out of bed.
The preacher man said let us bow our heads and pray
But you weren't praying. You were crying and you couldn't form any coherent thoughts, much less pray. Much less pray to a God that would destroy families and countries. You couldn't pray and you weren't sure you wanted to.
Lord please lift his soul and heal this hurt
Heal? How could they expect you to heal? You're so unbelievably angry at how willing they are to pretend that this is inevitable. That this is just the way things are and you should just accept it.
Then the congregation all stood up
And sang the saddest song that she ever heard
You stayed in the back because now the wailing wouldn't stop. You could hold it in and stay silent so you wailed in the back, witch Darry and Ponys hands on your back, crying just as much. You stood in the back and watched the tears fall from Steve's eyes and the guilty look in his face, saying that he knew Soda was supposed to come home, not him.
Then they handed her a folded up flag
And she held on to all she had left of him
Oh, and what could've been
There wasn't much of a body to fly home, from what you gathered. All they could give you was the flag. The flag that signified he does honourably. It almost pissed you off even more, because what was honour without justice? And why was honour worth more to them than his life? Still, you clutched the flag in your hands, ready to scream if anyone got too close.
And then guns rang one last shot
And it felt like a bullet in her heart
You wish it had been. Dying would be easier than living like this. But that last shot was the hardest part to get through. The shot that said without words, we've done our duty to mourn. Now we can go back and pretend this never happened. Now we can feel guilt-free. And it tore you apart because you couldn't understand how the sun could still shine without him here.