Broken

ten

Lanae
Her apartment

I laid on the couch with my head back while smoking a blunt, Jordan was massaging my swore and swollen feet. I was in heaven after eating steak, a baked potatoe, a few pieces of shrimp, and steamed and sautéed broccoli followed by this fat ass backwood he rolled for me and this foot massage. Who knew Jordan could cook like that and have a way with his hands. I never felt this good until the last time that I saw him.

"So where did YOU learn to cook? Because that was good." I said hitting the blunt while rubbing my stomach. Jordan chuckled.

"Growing up my grandpa was chef, he was obsessed with foods and shit. While mom would be working he would pick me up after school and I'll spend the day with him. I picked up a thing or two from him I guess" he shrugged and laughed.

"Well then, he must have been one hell of a chef", I laughed before blowing out smoke.

"Yeah he was decent" he flashed a smile but it faded quickly.

"Can I asked you something Nae?", I became a little worried of where this conversation was going to go. However, I sat up and looked at him to prepare myself.

"Yeah"

"Why did you ghost me?" I've never seen him so serious.

"Jordan I-"

"Not even gone lie Lanae, that hurt me. I thought shit was okay between us. We were kicking it and getting to know each other better. Yeah I might have crossed of line that night but you didn't stop me. I asked for your consent and everything. You told me that you wanted it. The next morning you left and I never heard from you anything. Shit Nae, you stop copping weed from me. We were friends before anything"

"It's wasn't nothing you did, it was me" I put the wood out so he could know I was listening to him.

"Talk to me then"

I sighed before I said anything to else. I was really trying to gather my words. I could tell his feeling were a little hurt but actually hearing him say it felt even worse. I felt like a horrible person.

"I'm sorry for hurting your feelings, I didn't do it on purpose. You're right, things were going good with us. Just .... like I told you I've never been with somebody else since that night so I was little taken back and I felt bad. Part of me always felt like maybe I deserved what happened me that night or maybe I don't deserve something so good to happen to me." , tears became to come to my eyes but I refuse to let them fall. Jordan stopped giving me my foot massage but he never took his eyes off me, he was simply just listening.

"Even though the rape is something that plays a big part in my life that's not even the half of what I've been through" , I chuckled at the thought and Jordan began to caress my lower leg.

"I can't count on my fingers how many times my mom blamed me for my dad leaving her when he really left because she changed. He lost love for her because she became lazy and boring. He wanted to travel the world with her but she wanted to work, and sleep. However, according to her it was my fault because I apparently told him to leave her which I didn't. When he finally left, she became depressed , lost her job, and met Joe who introduced her to drugs, crack cocaine specifically. I guess I began to remind her of my dad and that's when she really began to show out. She told me that I was a mistake, how she should have got the abortion when she found out she was pregnant, she told that she should have killed me when she thought about it after leaving the hospital with me", I was really fighting back tears but I really wasn't trying to cry because I really wanted him to know that it wasn't him.

"Why you didn't tell me any of this?" He asked a little above a whisper. I knew everything I said he took in.

"Oh hey Jordan I was raped and my mom never wanted me and mentally and emotionally fucked me up", I said sarcastically.

"Okay I see ya point, my bad... but I'm really sorry to hear that"

"You don't have to apologize but I just want you to know that I didn't push you away on purpose. I just have a habit of running from situations that can bring me heartache. I don't want to put myself in a situation to where I'm really not wanted. I don't want to be a burden to nobody so I chose to just...  idk end it before it even starts in the wise words of Chrissy."

"So you chose to deprive yourself of happiness" he replied, I looked at him with my head to the side.

"It funny that Chrissy said the exact same thing"

"Because you are Lanae", he sat up and looked me straight in the eyes.

"Be honest with me when I ask you this" , I nodded my head and then he asked me was I genuinely happy this past month.

"And don't lie to me" he said sternly.

No matter how much I wanted to lie to him I couldn't, I could never lie to somebody that I really cared about. I sighed before I answer.

"No, I wasn't happy. I wasn't happy until today with you"

"Exactly, you're depriving yourself from happiness. Look Lanae" he sat all the way up on the edge of the couch and faced me directly.

"This past month, you have been on my mind every single day and I'm sure you know that because I called and text daily. I feel like you're the only person to understand me and keep me sane. You're the person I called when Quan got hit, you're the person who listened to me and talked me down ... Nae you're the first female to reject me. Any other female would have ran at the first chance to talk to me. That's how I know that you don't care about what a nigga got because you got your own and I respect that about you. Youre special and you're solid. You make me feel whole when ima around you. Nae you telling me about your trauma only makes me want to be here more because I know you're hurting Nae but you're carrying all of this alone. I wanna carry this with you, not only do I wanna carry this with you but I wanna be able to help you heal as well. I wanna show that I'm not here to hurt you Nae, I only wanna love you and I wanna show you that youre worth the world and then some. Please just Nae, give me a chance."

Every word that came out of mouth I could tell that he meant it with ever bone in his body. Any other nigga would have moved on after that first day but not Jordan. Maybe Jordan was different.

"Can we take it slow?" I asked.

"Anything you want Nae, I promise" he smiled at me and pulled me closer to him. We cuddled on the couch the rest of the night, I felt like a weight had been lifted off my shoulder. I really hope I didn't make a mistake.

Sorry for the mistakes😬