A Shot In The Dark // Kylo x Reader

Chapter 10 || Awakening

"Kriff!" I yelped, instinctively bending over to clutch my stomach.

"It's been almost a week B, I shouldn't be getting these punches in." JN-1615 spoke, throwing her fists up into an attack position.

She had volunteered to train with me in an attempt to get me ready for the next mission. I hadn't been doing as well as I had hoped, my endurance was down, shoulder constantly emitting a dull pain, and it didn't help being thrown around during our sessions.

"I can't do anymore today." My body fell to the floor in exhaustion, aching slightly where she had just punched me. Feeling the cold mat on my back was a nice change, my eyelids fluttered closed as I relaxed. 

"Oh my stars! Do you even want to go on the next mission?" Her annoyance was evident. After a moment of consideration, I forced myself to sit up, groaning from the pain that resided in my tensed muscles. 

I slowly turned my gaze on JN-1615, she was peering over me with a murderous look in her eyes.

"I want to go... but I'm just not ready." I mumbled.

"That's a load of shit, you're just giving up because this isn't going how you planned." 

"Hey, kriff off I was injured." My arms crossed over my chest, bottom lip jutting out slightly. 

She rolled her eyes, taking a step in my direction. "That excuse has expired. Something is holding you back, and it's not just your injury, what's going through your mind?"

I bit my lip, mind racing to come up with the words. Her gaze softened, body moving to sit down beside me. 

"I'm scared." The words tumbled out of my mouth, the truth I had hidden deep down now forced in the open. Her eyes were cast on me sympathetically, I swallowed down the lump forming in my throat.

"I was so prepared for our first mission, and look where that left me? Gods, I was laying there trying so desperately to get someone's attention, all while knowing help would never come. I just laid there, helpless and weak, just waiting for the inevitable, it was horrible. How can I expect myself to go back out there again after that?" My voice was cracked and raw.

"I'm so sorry, I didn't know how much you were struggling."

"How could you? We're troopers, gods I shouldn't even be feeling this way, emotions are weak." I paused. "How did you become such a perfect soldier? What is wrong with me?" I choked out, tears brimming my eyes. 

"Stop it, there is nothing wrong with you. The way you fight and feel makes you different yes, but that's why you're so amazing. How I wish my actions could be a result of my own accord, being a 'perfect soldier' just means I do as I've been conditioned. Feelings make you strong, and I know for a fact that one day you will realize your potential and become great, break away from all of this."

Her words brought me back to the medical room, where Kylo expressed the same ideas. Hot tears now grazed my face, years of emotional suppression coming undone. 

"Someone once told me my instincts made me stronger, but it was those same instincts that almost got me killed. I can't... I can't trust myself." 

"Stop dwelling on your mistakes, remember all that you've achieved. Trust in your years of hard work and start seeing yourself the way everyone else does, the way I do. You fight amazingly well, I mean gods you were one of the top troopers in the class! That accounts for a lot, it should mean something to you."

Her words stuck to me like glue, somehow hearing this from her pushed me to believe it was true. I smiled genuinely, wiping the tears from my face. Shes right, I can do this.