My Soul Belongs to AkaRen/Renkaza

(not)hope(less)

"It's okay."

It's such simple words that Kyoujurou had uttered to him, yet it was enough to hammer at Akaza's heart enough to shatter it, its pieces pricking at Akaza's eyes, as clear flows trickled down his cheeks.

It hurts.

This damned soul.

It hurts so much.

"I'm lonely, Kyoujurou."

He cried, his voice quivering and hoarse, as his hands grabbed at Kyoujurou, pressing the other male's body close to his own, as if trying to find the other piece of himself in Kyoujurou.

His tears fell at Kyoujurou's shoulder. It's warm, Kyoujurou's arms are around him, gently caressing him, as if he could reach Akaza's heart, he swiped his palm over Akaza's back.

"I feel so lonely."

He's so lonely that it hurts having another person around.

Akaza bit at his lips, trying to make words between his sobs, his sharp, rapid breaths tore at his lungs, clawing at Kyoujurou's back, his eyelids are shut tight, unable to hold back the tears that he had longed to let out of.

"I'm afraid it'll disappear when I try to understand this feeling."

It was something that had always shadowed him as he lived, that jarring emptiness, echoing within him. No matter how much he tries to understand, no matter how much he tries to grasp that string of emotion, like a thread, it cuts through his skin and slips through.

It had haunted him for so long, when he was awake at night, or when he was sleepwalking at day.

It haunts him, how he couldn't understand the expression that they make, the expression that he makes, the feelings they speak of, the foreign, unknown, emotions that Akaza had forgotten.

Can you even call it living? Just existing as a husk?

"Kyoujurou-"

It was all too overwhelming.

"It hurts-"

The realization that he had been living so emptily, that he had been looking at life through the monotone-colored window. The realization that he had been missing out on so many emotions, the happiness that he tries to grab hold of, the faint sadness that hammers at his chest, the anger that rings out, the fear that constantly haunts him, each of them were difficult for Akaza to put his finger on.

It's the shadows that had clouded him, it's the shadows that made him forget the burn of his simmering emotions. It's the shadows that scares him, it's his shadows that no one would ever come to understand.

He doesn't know how to love. He doesn't know what does it feels like to be loved. He doesn't have the slightest clue of what's this loneliness in him.

But he wants to understand.

He wants to understand how do people smile so genuinely, he wants to understand what's making them so happy.

He wants to feel it too.

He feels guilty whenever someone treats him with kindness, yet he was unable to return it.

He feels guilty whenever he knows, he's supposed to be happy, to be grateful, yet he can't.

It keeps collapsing, every time he tries to build the tiniest spark of emotions, it dies out like a bunch of drenched firewood.

"I know it hurts, Akaza."

But Kyoujurou was special. Kyoujurou wasn't like anyone else.

Kyoujurou's face felt like distant memory, Kyoujurou's eyes remind him of something he's forgotten, Kyoujurou's voice makes his heart leap, Kyoujurou's touches are warm.