My Soul Belongs to AkaRen/Renkaza

us in 𝓶𝓪𝔂 #1

Outside of my room window, the buildings stood under the rays of the sun, cars drove down the road, people went on with their lives. I lay awake in my bed, in a plain, boring afternoon, in the city. I watch the fan spin on the ceiling, creating an ambient noise in the midst of the quiet summer. The humid weather was blocked out of my air-conditioned room, the birds fly across and through the gaps of buildings, over the moving crowd and moving vehicles, alone in my apartment, the bustling of the city unheard, I sit up on my bed, looking out to the clear sky, I narrowed my eyes at the piercing sunlight.

Even when I was far away from my old home, sitting in my newfound shelter, something about this feels awfully familiar. The feeling of the cold air above my skin, the sun that pricked at my eyes, the busy road and tall buildings, it feels as if they were from another time that was in the past. Coldness and tranquil flooded my apartment, stepping into the living room, closed off from the world, the wooden floor underneath my feet was cold, the open-spaced kitchen brightly illuminated, the cozy sofa, white mugs in the cabinets, the pots of plants that sat by my windows, the views that I once dreamed about were right in front of my eyes. I feel at home, I feel like I'm in the future that my younger self dreamt of, but...

Summer didn't use to feel this lonely.

The gaps in my memory of my childhood, the heat under the sun, with my shirt soaked in sweat and my shorts stained with dirt, the abrasions and cuts on my skin, the joy of spending my time carefreely in the summer. With the sun sprinkling colors through the leaves and branches, I run under the tree shades with my younger brother and my friends, a bug-catching net in my hand, running up mountains, playing tag at a field, jumping into rivers, yelling and laughing along with the buzzing of bugs and chirps of the birds. With the muffled voices and chimes, blurred faces, lingering taste of juice and the scent of summer in my memory, all that's left was the bitterness of loss and faint sweetness of longing.

Right now, as I stand alone in my home, I look out to the world. The emotions in this lonesome present, from the long-gone childhood, the feeling of loss clenches at my heart. The coolness of the living room was a reminder of the summer days that I spent with my family, sitting in our living room, eating watermelons, humming into a spinning table fan and taking naps in the afternoon, briefly hearing the ringing of the windchime that was hung from the canopy of our roof, laughing along to the chirping of birds as we ran along the steep hill by the river that stretches toward to the sunset, in the night, we drift to sleep as the cicada cries faded into the distance. Some summer nights, the booming of the fireworks overlap with the echo of other fireworks from other nights, resounding in my head.

Summer was a memory that I can never restore, stuck to my past, bound by my emotions. So I run, run to this city that I have no memories of, I found a new home, and I look for someone to make new recollections with.
I was afraid that another summer would end, I wanted to stay in the summer, I wanted everything to stay the same. I was afraid of wasting the summer alone, afraid of this precious season to pass without a moment spent with you, afraid of losing another month of my life, afraid of losing the remains of my childhood that are only left inside my head, afraid for the next summer to come too soon, and I was still futilely looking for you.

Why did this summer felt lonely? I stand by myself, missing my childhood, missing for someone to be by my side.
I didn't want this summer to end. But then, how would I ever reach the summer that included you in it?

If you were here, perhaps it wouldn't be so lonely anymore. Together in this small apartment, we could bake cookies, we could drink lemon juice and tea, we could explore the city in our car, nodding to beats and singing along to the songs, we could visit the mall, watch movies and try new foods. We could go hiking together and gaze at the clear blue sky, or we could sink our toes into the sand of the shore, splashing up the warm ocean as we stroll. We could take a road trip and drive along the coast highway, the mountain road and through the maze of the city. It would be lovely to share the views with you, the faraway clouds, the clear reflection of the lake, the birds that soar over our heads, calling out to the end of the horizon.

These summer days, I squint my eyes at the sky, heat emits from the ground below, flowers bloomed beautifully by my feet where I stood on the sidewalk. The clouds above me, the sky above us, insignificantly, I stand in the middle of the city, missing you, who are out of my reach. Summer days were so lonely, and summer nights were nostalgic. Searching mindlessly for what I've lost under the sky, I pass by strangers, brush against the bush full of short-lived flowers, and caught a reflection of myself in a shop's glass window. I look up to where the trees and grass are stretching towards to, lonely, so lonely, will I ever be by your side, if I can't reach you under this unpredictable world?

I long for the day where I'll accept my loss, let my emotions be taken away by the last of the spring breeze, to welcome a new gust of warmth, stepping into the summer, I search for warmth, I search for you, the answer to my longing, the belated comfort to my emptiness and pain. I search mindlessly, reaching out even when my fingers burn, reaching out, reaching out, reaching out to the unforeseeable future, reaching out to the only hope I have left, I reach out, looking for you, waiting for you, to take these cold, lonely hands into yours.

These summer nights, I dream of a quiet summer, sitting by myself in the middle of a forest, on a bench in front of a still lake, clouds swam in the water, a dragonfly grazed the surface, distorting the reflection of the sky. Leaves flutter through the air, torn away from its branches, it struggles in the wind before meeting the ground, outlined by the sun, it glittered, its color looked more vividly green. Clink, the ice cube knocked against the glass, cold droplets seep into the cracks of my fingers, sliding into my palm, spreading cold through my skin without making a sound. Leaves rain down onto the clear lake, bringing a susurrous louder than the howling of the wind, waves formed as the water followed the tender caress of the passing breeze. Birds cry out from above, landing in the branches, a squeak of a squirrel was followed by the crack of a twig. It all starts to grow quiet from there, were the sounds ever there? After all, this was only a daydream, I dreamt of loneliness to be tranquil, but as I sat at the table in my apartment alone, I only see a sky outside of my window, the sun shone into the cabinet, painting another layer of gloss onto my white mugs. The stove sits quietly, the row of kitchen counter was empty, the plants in the pots by the window reached out lively to the light, while I sat here by myself, wishing for something unreachable, wishing for a warmth unachievable.

In this summer, in this city, even under the same sky, I look out, wondering where do you stand here, on the same earth as I.

You're not here.

At least, not now.

I know there would be a time where we could just be us in another summer.

The summer where I would wake up next to you, the sun outlining your contour. We could eat a simple breakfast of butter on toast. We could walk by the beach, with the sticky feeling of the sea breeze on our skin and sand in our hair. We could share the same views of the sea and sky, have our intertwined hands swinging to the sound of crashing waves, we could listen to the rustling of palm tree leaves and the wind that cooed against our ears. We could stay in for the afternoon, laying on a cozy sofa, or we could dive into the sea, ride in the waves and sing out a summer song. Humming a melody as our toes dig into the sand, even chatting about something as trivial as gravel and stones would be meaningful, if it's with you.

Everything would be so much fun, exciting and new with you.

I wonder how would you look, how would you sound like, when we lay in bed with our pillows overlapped, how would you feel like? The feeling of your hand in mine, the sound of your laughter, our scents and the smell of sweat. What do you like to do? We could lay in our bed, enveloped in city lights, our bodies pressed close and our beating hearts over each other's, just embracing you, caressing you, drifting to sleep with the air conditioner turned on all night long while wrapping ourselves in comforters.

There're so many things I want to do with you, there are so many things and places I want to discover with you, the rest of my summers, my springs, my autumns and winters, I want to fill all those seasons with the memories of me and you. A car trip, biking in the park, spending time indoors, picnics and sight-seeing, talking and sleeping. I want to spend the summer with you, it would be the simplest happiness to just have you by my side. Even if we don't do anything, it would still be something, as long we're making memories.

It's May. And maybe the next would be much happier with you.