My Soul Belongs to AkaRen/Renkaza

us in 𝓶𝓪𝔂 #2

I stir from my nap, opening my eyes, the noise of the city fades in, the sun shines into my room through my window, although it splatters across my floor and my bed, the cool air from the air conditioner had drowned out the temperature. Sitting up, I rubbed my eyes and my head spun, after a while, the sour taste in my throat subsided.

Empty. My chest feels empty, it hurts. Every time I wake up, I was reminded of the hollowness within me, I have grown used to it, numbness caged the feeling, yet it snarls at me throughout the day, haunting me every night.
Holding a glass of water, I stood in my living room in front of the glass door that leads to the balcony. The same view of the buildings was in front of me, it feels so foreign, it still looks like it was out of a dream, I've always wanted to have a view of the city in my apartment, but, the feeling of familiarity was brought along. It scares me, and when I try to grasp, it dissolves and I feel numb again. I forget what was it I wanted to remember, what was it I missed and wanted to bring back.

"Kyoujurou, hey," you said from the other side of the screen, I can't hold back the giddy smile that tugged on my lips. "Hey, Akaza," I answered, sitting on the sofa, unconsciously wishing for the heat of your body next to mine. Your voice flooded my room, replacing the loneliness of the summer and the numbness that usually accompanies it. "You look cute," you said, smiling at me, I laughed, heat rushes to my face and oxygen escapes my lungs, it was almost like I sprinted up a hill and raised my head to shower myself in sunlight.

"You are, handsome, as always..." I muttered, trying not to hide away from embarrassment, but as I saw your flushed cheeks and heard your stuttering reply, my heart fluttered. "Re-really? You think so?" I glanced at myself in the camera and ran a hand through my hair, making sure it wasn't too messy. "Yeah," I said as I meet your eyes, the throbbing in my chest starts to calm, melting into bliss and comfort. Each thump of my heart against my ribcage sounded like a reminder to me, how wonderful life has become after I'd met you.

"How's your day?" You asked, you wore a warm colored-shirt, blinking at me behind your golden metallic-framed glasses. You waited for my answer, you always liked to listen, and you were always there whenever I needed you. Your presence, and your voice, were always so comforting, like a mug of hot chocolate during a rainy night, the gentle breeze and passing clouds during a windy morning. I wish you were here, with your scent in my bed, your clothes on the drying rack with mine, I could nuzzle up to you as we sit on the sofa. How wonderful it would be, sharing the warmth of our bodies, with my head over your chest that rises and falls as you breathe, with the sound of rain and a melody ringing in the background.

"Good," it could've been better if you were here, though, I thought. "I missed you," Your eyes stared back at mine, you looked surprised, and I wondered what would I do if I could touch you, I'd love to run my hand through your spring-colored hair, bring your face closer to mine, look into your eyes and forget myself, with our foreheads in contact and our noses nudging against each other's, I want to press my lips over yours, I want your hands to caress me, my face, my waist and my heart, I long for your heat, and I long for the feeling of your skin under my hands, the taste of our kiss, the rhythm of your heartbeats that sync with mine.

"I missed you too," Alone in the summer, in my room, in this city. Summer was quiet, so quiet that it's suffocating, but as you appeared, into my mind, my life, it turned into a much welcoming silence where I could sink in my train of thoughts, with the tracks leading to you, where your city was, where you were. You who is so close in front of me, yet too far to touch. Warm, so warm. I see the colors of the sky and trees, taste the bitter coffee in my mouth, I think of you when I smell the aroma of cafés, I think of you when I see the sweater that you left me, I think of embracing you, think of your arms around mine as your scent fills my nose, think of the echoing of your heartbeat next to my ear.

"This summer is making me feel nostalgic." Your eyes flickered, focusing your attention on me. I could almost feel your curious gaze, watching me attentively. "I think it's pretty similar to déjà vu, except a mixture with nostalgia?" It's cold, I think, it's cold like that afternoon where you had caught my shoulder, when I saw your eyes, lights had painted colorful strokes in them, I had lost of breath for a second. "It kind of feels like I'm missing something," your voice, it was your voice, when you smiled, I could hear my heartbeat. My face, my chest, it felt warm, too.

"Maybe, I feel like I don't belong here," this city without you, it's foreign. "Perhaps, I just miss having someone around." I want to share this view with you, and only then, life could finally go on. I could finally step out of my past, and leave the summer.

"Kyoujurou, do you want to spend this summer vacation with me, together?"

Where am I going? Where do I want to go? I had lost myself in this world. I was so insignificant, caught in the flowing of time and threads of fate. Far, so far, you're so far. I want to reach you, I want to find the warmth in that winter.

"Yeah, I'd love to."

Your gaze was still tender and kind, as if you were trying to embrace me. I think... I saw that snowy afternoon in your eyes, glittering in the lights, in the flashing colors, I saw me. Somewhere, a cicada screamed, the air conditioner hummed, my chest ached, it's suffocating.

I miss you. I miss your warmth, I miss your touch.

"Where should we go?"

I'm here, and I want to go. I still want to go, simply because I don't belong, I don't feel like I fit in no matter where I am. After all, I only belong by your side, and it's the only place I want to belong in, the only place that would feel like home.

"We don't have to go anywhere."

You're here, you're still here, blinking at me from that December. With the passing of seasons and time dragging me along, you're always here within me, in the blossoms of the spring, the whisper of the fall, I was always thinking of you.

"Anywhere's fine, as long as we're together."

I was someone in this city, someone who seeks for happiness and the purpose of living. I'm here, in this city, living in my little apartment. So insignificantly, I am living right now, living for you. Soon, everything that was once here will be gone, everything is always changing, and it was only a matter of time before my existence was forever forgotten by the world.

So, I want to make the most out of this life.

So... I don't want to let you go.

"Aww, Kyoujurou!"

A single bed, a single mug, the empty seat next to me, the potted plants by my window. Lonely, so lonely. Under the same sky, in different cities, when I lay in bed, looking out to the sky, were you gazing at the clouds too? I want to look at the same things that you're looking at, I want to stand next to you, with our hands linked together, looking out to the same horizon.

"What?"

This summer, somehow, didn't feel lonely. The moment before I sleep, the second after I'm awake, I'm always thinking of you. Even when I stand alone, the tears that I cried felt warm, like you were caressing my cheeks, summer shone into my living room, the balcony door that detached me from the world, I bathed in sunlight, wishing that the heat was your embrace instead.

"I love you."

I didn't want the warmth in the winter, neither does the summer matter. All I ever wanted was you. All I'm looking for is you, all the searching, traveling, the emptiness of finding myself in a city without memories, the familiarity of summer, the longing for someone unknown. You're my answer, you're what I've been looking for, clearing the clouds in my eyes, a light flashes in that winter, lightning up your smile like you were standing under the sun.

I was scared. Scared of that what if we never came across each other again? I'd lose so many memories, so many feelings, I'd lose you, you who brought me so many things, it'll shatter into pieces if you vanished. Was it a blessing? Or was it a curse? The longing hurts, but then I really wouldn't know what to look for, if I never knew you.

But, right now. You are here, you've always been here. I've found you.

I've missed you, since before we even met.

"I love you too."

It's May again, huh?