My Soul Belongs to AkaRen/Renkaza

will you end my pain

Trigger Warning

Implied suicidal thoughts

-

Rain dribbles down from above, there's no wind, only the sound of the rain hitting the rooftop, sprinkling onto the trees and painting the roads in a darker shade, the drops that brush his ears were even louder. Kyoujurou stood above the building, holding onto the freezing railing, it's odd that even when he feels stillness in his chest, like a sea without any waves, it still feels suffocating. He stares onto the city ahead, the headlamps of vehicles flashes, the buildings stood and stare back at him, its light were dim between the gentle raindrops, he wonders if anyone could see him.

No one ever does.

He looked down at the sidewalk. He doesn't want to die, he never wanted to. He knows it would solve nothing, he knows jumping off won't lead him to a good place. He knows he just wanted, needed, help.

"Kyoujurou!" A voice rings between the drops of rain, he turns back, meeting his friend, whose eyes flicker from under the umbrella he was holding, looking at him. "What are you doing?!" Akaza yelled, his knuckles turning white from the grip he has on the umbrella's handle. Instinctively, Kyoujurou smiles at him, he's always smiling, it doesn't take any effort for him to put this expression on.

If anyone ever bothered enough to talk to him, of course he had to put on a smile, right?

So they would keep coming back.

"Nothing," Kyoujurou mutters, maybe it wasn't enough for Akaza to hear him, he felt anxiety well up in his stomach when he saw the ground beneath the building, yet he stares, he didn't want to take his eyes off, he thought about what would happen if he did take a dive, would anyone care? Would they remember him? Would they finally see how much has he been struggling? "Don't," Akaza says under his breath, he drew in a sharp breath, taking careful strides forward, "Come here, Kyoujurou." Kyoujurou turns back at his friend's voice, he saw Akaza lowering his umbrella, dropping it onto the ground next to him, his arms were stretched out, reaching out to him.

Something hammers in his chest, his nose stung and tears begin to burn at the corners of his eyes.

"Why?" Kyoujurou asked him, he wanted to reach him, too. He wants the loneliness to stop. Akaza's lips stutter, his voice sounds unreal, was he real? Was his words real? Was Akaza really here? "I care about you," Akaza told him.

It all feels like nothing.

Akaza's words feel like nothing.

He wanted to believe him, he wanted to believe that he was worth anything, worth caring about.

"Come here," Akaza pleaded, but Kyoujurou turned away.

"Why?" He said, he shut his eyes tight, and gritted his teeth. "Nobody ever cares, so why do you?" Kyoujurou presses his hand to his eyes, warmth seeped through his skin, fading cold as it trickles down his face. "Why do I not care?" Akaza's voice was clearer, closer. Bitter feelings start to spread in his chest, regret, sadness, despise.

"You're so much more than you think you are."

A sob broke out, ripped from his throat, cutting through the rain like broken shards. "I keep telling myself everything will be better," he struggled to speak, trying to breathe between the pressure on his lungs, he draws in another inhale, only to choke on it and feel the tears dribbling out of his eyes, "It never does."

"I'm here," Akaza caught him in an embrace, Kyoujurou felt Akaza's heartbeat against his back, his body was warm as it presses tenderly against him, "I'll be here."

The rain is cold, Akaza was cold, too. His body shivered when the heat had reminded how he had been standing out in the cold for so long, his clothes were soaked, his hair stuck to his face, weighed down by the rain, the skin on his fingertips wrinkled as his hands trembled. Akaza's arms were around him, locked in front of him, his forehead was on the back of Kyoujurou's head, his breathing against him made the hair on his nape rise, the heat fades in and out, rhythmically like his own breathing.

Oh, he's breathing.

He takes a deep breath in, his lungs feel like it's been pressed on, he sniffled and let his cries out. He felt Akaza tightening his grip around his waist, his breathing grew shallow behind him, his head felt dizzy, he could barely stand still.

"Let's go home, Kyoujurou."

Akaza's hands unlocked and gently placed them on Kyoujurou's shoulders, he gave him a light squeeze, Kyoujurou turns around to face him, and Akaza wrapped his arms around him once more, even tighter this time, a hand was caressing the back of his head, his hands found Akaza's back, he held onto him and let out a shaking breath.

"Okay."