12:02am

24. 06. 20

12:13am~

Words.

What even are they but a bunch of shapes, curved lines and creativity jumbled together to make arbitrary sounds that produce spit in our mouths.

They are the very shadows of strings of data that have been programmed by computer analysts to be shown to you in front of your very eyes.

Sounds descriptive, doesn't it?

Have I captured your attention?

A blank page is probably the most horrible thing that plagues a writer's mind, or an artist's mind for that matter.

Creativity stops when words can't hit paper--or when keys can't electrify computer screens for that matter.

My name is Cal, and to be honest, I'm kind of tired.

I found out earlier today that I don't really have a life passion...aka, I'm not really passionate about anything.

I don't think that this is in fact a unique problem I possess, but more or less an invisible problem we don't really wanna talk about because that involves comparing ourselves to other people...and boy, do we love to do that.

I think if I ever had a "HELLO, my name is" sticker plastered on my face, it'd probably be:

"HELLO, my name is: Anxiously Comparing Myself to You Right Now"

Because, not all self-deprecation is funny, I'm going to refrain from delving in any further. I'll probably reveal why I do this on some other page.

I want to have friends I can talk to these things with but the truth is, as one gets older, the screens at night tend to shine brighter and the in-person connections may start to fade, if we trend to becoming more isolated from our loved ones. I speak from experience.

At nighttime, my thoughts shine like neon signs lining the depths of an alleyway in the middle of downtown. At night, it's when the friends inside my head, they come alive.

My friends of the daytime are just as cool, it's just that, I can't always talk to them about everything because they are busy living their own lives and fighting their own demons. But I wish that we could talk more, however.

In the dark is also when one's fears can be manifested into the worst nightmares, anxiety can creep up at you in every corner, in every step you take to the kitchen fridge. The most mundane things you don't have time to worry about day to day suddenly pounce on you when you least expect them and can take over your mind.

It's quite unsatisfying if you ask me.

There are days when I wish the world could come alive like stars in the night sky, and days when I wish I could hide from reality and never go to sleep, because that would mean I would have to live with myself the next day.

Anyways, I'm becoming more and more tired now, I think I'll stop for today.

This is Cal, signing off.

~12:35am