12:02am

31. 06. 20

12:02am~

Sometimes I feel as if my life is something in between invisible and a disappointment.

Why?

Well, I haven't lived a very long time, relative to other people. So, I don't think it's much of a life, yet. I've not done a whole bunch with my time here on Earth, besides stay in my house with my parents, go to school, and hang with friends occasionally.

It sounds great, and probably dead people would wish to have the time I have to live. But, it's not that I'm not grateful for it, I'm saying that it looks like it has barely started yet.

So, that brings up the question, where will my life go?

Well, people say that the future turns out to be what you expect it to be, and my expectations for my future...well, they aren't very high, let me tell you.

I don't have...a passion.

I think many people don't have one, but I was bummed to figure out that in actuality, I've tried to force myself to have one for years, but, it seems like now, all that effort is wasted.

So as of now, my expectations for life are null. And, sometimes, it feels like I'm wasting all of my parent's efforts on me.

My mom, for example, named me after a famous Filipino lawyer. A lawyer. 

And, I don't even plan on making it anywhere near high school.

As far back as I can remember, I never had a dream for my future. My dream was to...idk, live? Get a good job? Travel somewhere occasionally?

I was very good at school, and I wanted so hard to be an ambitious person...but, that's just not who I am.

In reality, I hate competition. I hate places where I have to be evaluated and I have to compare myself to other people, devaluing them by using the test scores they got like 5 years ago. I hate ranking people, and most of all, I hate when people expect me to be 'successful'.

Like, what does that even mean?

More money? More stability? More travelling? Higher grades? Higher shares? Higher numbers?

I don't know. I don't fucking know. 

Am I a loser? I think I am. Or maybe I'm not? 

I think...

That I became perfectionistic because I was afraid of all of these questions. I was afraid of confronting the fact that I was never ambitious, that I don't aim for personal success, and that all I really wanted to do was settle in a nice, small house somewhere, get a stable enough job  suffering through 9 to 5 shifts, and enjoy life whenever I'm not stressed or too lonely. That was far from the "perfect life" that 'successful' people have, and I was scared to admit that I wanted that.

Especially, as a child, one doesn't really know better but to trust the definitions of success that adults put out because, a child's world isn't really formed yet. It's still on the process of being constructed, so, they don't really have any way on how to compare what adults say to anything else...cause they don't got 'anything else' to compare it to.

Success, I thought was about higher grades, more money, more, more, more.

I wanted  to be perfect, so I didn't have to realize the pain of being imperfect.

And, I was even considering getting plastic surgery for my nose as soon as I graduated college.

But, without the imperfections of life, when are we going to grow? If we don't get reminded how hard things are every once in a while, we'll probably become arrogant, lonely and die lonely.

Do I want that? Heck no.

Am I against people with wealth, no, cause that's not my point.

My point is, people who just want more numbers, but don't use those numbers for a greater cause are going to live very unfulfilled lives.

Even with more stability, you have to trade off growth. Life's never perfect, it's never going to be.

I have no idea what my life will look like 20, 30 years from now.

I don't have a specific career in mind, I don't have a passion or a vocation at the moment, and once I graduate uni, I'll essentially, be starting off with...nothing.

That's hella scary.

But, I don't know. Even if I end up as an average somebody with a mediocre life. I'll know I'll find someway to be okay with that too.

Is it so mediocre, to wish for mediocrity, when people expected more? Or maybe, no one really expects anything of me at all.

Well, whatever happens, I hope that I'll still type it down in here.

This is Cal, signing off.

~12:12am