12:02am

01. 07. 20

10:23pm~

Unfortunately, I'm not going to be able to see the stars today.

It was raining this morning so my parents decided to stay in the city, it was easier this way.

They went out, just the two of them, and I stayed home.

What a great day...

It's okay, there's always a next time. 

*cue* deep sigh~

I'm feeling, a little bit tired, and perhaps it's because of the former, but also a bit sad.

I'm, feeling, sad.

What a great day...

At least if I find a job, then I don't have to feel like I'm doing nothing all day, and perhaps, I'll feel lonely, but still distracted.

It wasn't a terrible day, but it just, wasn't what I was hoping. And, that's okay, it turns out like that sometimes. I'm not angry or anything. Just, a little bummed out.

Usually, when I was feeling this way, I wrote a poem, or some song lyrics, but, I've stopped that because not only do I not have time, but they song lyrics I write aren't actually to my songs.

I used to write English song lyrics for other foreign songs, so I could imagine that those songs were mine, and I was a pop star who was admired by everyone.

That was back then, when I used my imagination to hate myself, and my real life, which is not so glamourous. 

I still have moments when I'm tired of the real world, like now. But, the difference is, currently, I try not to throw myself into a mirage of nostalgia, hoping that if I wish hard enough, I will turn into a celebrity overnight.

Back then, I just wanted life to be easier, scot-free, and yeah, maybe a little more glamourous.

Though, what I really wanted the most, was for people to recognize me. To notice me.

As you can guess, no, I didn't have many good friends back then. And, the ones that were good to me, I didn't have the guts to trust them yet.

I was a nice girl back then, and I still am, though, my mind was always, always, floating in another place far, far away.

It might have been what they call, "maladaptive daydreaming" I don't know... (though usually I only thought of these things at night).

Can you blame a lonely child for wanting someone to notice them?

My dear starry sky,

I won't be able to see you today.

I wanted to look up into your eyes so badly, that I could see myself in you again.

Maybe, next time, or next, next time...we can meet, alright?

For now, I'll just search for you every night, behind the screen of my tiny window, imagining that the clouds made a bridge for us to meet.

No, my life isn't over, and this isn't the end of the world.

But, today, I just really wished that I could see you, at least, yesterday. Just so the disappointment of today didn't have to linger so strongly, like the smoke of a broken flame.

For some reason, the solitude, it hurts to even look at it. I'm afraid that I must cry. Just for today, I promise.

Say hi to the clouds, the wind and birds for me.

My starry sky, we will be together, again. Someday.

This is Cal, saying one more time,

See you next time.

~10:46pm