12:02am

03. 07. 20

11:06pm~

To be honest, I'm still trying to find my purpose in life.

I know that many people don't have a passion or purpose, but idk, part of me still cannot accept that. 

I have moments where something instinctive comes out of me and it turns out to be this big burst of creativity. But then, I stop doing that thing after a while because I'm either bored of it, I realize that no one is really noticing it or I just get caught up with other priorities that I have.

I feel, inside my soul, that I want  to do something unique, creative and amazing with my life, but a lot of things seem to be holding me down, and a lot of doubts about who I am tend to cloud up my head.

I'm not very good at being "dedicated" to something, let me tell you, but it seems that I become better at it when I see that other people are listening.

For example, I used to post my poetry on a site and I didn't think much of it at first. However, when I saw other people were reading my poetry, like lots  of other people that gradually came over years and years, it made me feel valued, and I kept posting.

I thought that I wasn't a person who really needed anyone's approval to do anything, but turns out, I feed off of it to do something that I value.

In other words, I, like many other people, want others' 'social approval' before I do things.

In psychology, we kind of learned that this is apart of our human nature, ever since we were infants. 

For me, in particular, I tend to get anxiety whenever I look for others' approval, especially if it comes in the form of criticism, likes, follows or comments. It makes me feel like my personal space is invaded, for some reason.

Before, a long time ago, I didn't like the idea of letting people know what I think, because that meant they had to comment on it, and it just took more of my time, and made me feel exposed or vulnerable.

Now, I'm getting better at connecting to people, and most importantly, trusting them. Though, I won't lie and say that it's easy.

I also, am trying to learn that the world won't always work in my favour, and that's okay, because a) I don't understand everything, and I shouldn't expect myself to, unless I discuss with someone about it and b) I don't have to be perfect for anyone. In reality, everyone is focusing on themselves and no one really cares.

So, where does this bring me in terms of my 'passion' that I'm trying to search for. Well, I'm not really sure.

The reason why I stopped writing poetry in the first place was because I became obsessed with gaining 'reads' and likes on my poetry. It started to devalue me, I became more and more anxious and I decided to stop.

I posted a few poems here and there when the time came, but, I don't try to take it as easily and let it dominate my life like it used to.

I should write poetry because I like it right? Though, it seems the only thing I find value about it at the moment is the fact that when I post it, I can get a ton of views on it. So, I don't have a very healthy way of seeing my passions at the moment because I look to others first before I look to myself.

I have only a few moments when I posted or not posted because I didn't care what others thought.

Here, this is a poem/lyric that I posted today. These English lyrics I wrote are to the tune of the Korean song: Navillera by GFriend

{chapter 1 // recollection}

Both my eyes closed

Opens an unknown door

A small secret,

I think you should know.

I remember something so clear

You and I,

Our fingertips brushing against our hearts.

The swirling storm inside

N-n-navillera~

Big, brave and beautiful

Stars afire

Should've known that time

The envy of my loneliness

For love...

Now both my eyes closed just in time

---

This poem/lyric speaks about a person who lost their way in terms of committing to what their heart really wanted. It shows that a true commitment can be reborn because they learned from the trouble they had in the past. I kind of imagine that maybe, if I do find something I'm fearlessly dedicated to, without having to get others' approval, that this is how I'll feel.

However, I'm not at that stage yet, I don't really think I'll be there for a while. It kind of sucks, but I have very low expectations of myself, and I honestly think I'll just end up of wasting most of my life.

My mom said to me that she's very worried that I don't have a passion. And, I guess why she feels that way with good reason. However, I just, don't really have anything that speaks to me at the moment, and it's okay, right?

I haven't been committed to anything for the most of the two decades I've been alive, and it hasn't killed me. Although, I do admit, it does make my life a little dull.

Will my butterfly break free anytime soon? Probably not.

Will I gain the courage to let it break free? I'm not sure.

Will I ever be tired of searching for a conviction, for courage? That sounds scary, but, it could happen.

As you can guess, haha, I'm quite the optimist.

Look, I don't know, honestly, I don't know. I want to believe in the fairytale inside my heart, but, life twists people upside down, and I don't know what I'll be a few years from now.

I just hope that I'll be happy. And hopefully, passionate without a care in the world.

This is Cal, signing off.

~12:02am