12:02am

25. 07. 20

6:48pm~

I'm feeling...down again.

As I sit here in my peach coloured workroom with all my stuffed toys laid out in front of me, I can't help but feel closeted in here with the door shut.

But, even if the door wasn't closed, I'd still feel pretty sad.

Normally, I don't like feeling sad in front of others, so I tend to let out my feelings by myself instead of going to someone. My parents are great people, but often it can be hard to explain to them how I am feeling.

As of now, I'm anxious about a lot of things:

-about meeting some my friends for the first time in 5 months this coming Friday

-about what I might be when I grow up...and if I might go into grad school

-about the possibility of disappointing my parents if I don't get a job that is worth it

-about my feelings for a guy that are distracting me right now

-about my midterm coming up on Wednesday

-about these, and probably many other things...

It's just...too much to think about right now, and I don't think I want to fake my happiness in front of others right now. Right now, I am sad.

I brought a chocolate candy into my room, thinking that maybe if I ate it, I'd feel happier. Though, it's not a magical pill, so this is probably not the case.

More over, I've been searching up so many videos on Youtube of people who look like they are living such extravagant and dreamy lives...I just wished that at the age that I'm at, I was anywhere near their reality.

But, here I am...

A lot of good things did happen this week though:

-first, I actually asked more of my friends to hang out with me...(lol the only time someone with social anxiety can shine is during a pandemic)

-I have made a list of goals that don't necessarily lay out a career plan, but they are definitely goals that I believe in.

-I started talking to my stuffies again and, it has made me feel a lil' better hehe

-and, my parents seem happy too~

Even as depressing as the news is, the world isn't going to end anytime soon, humanity still has lots of time to figure shit out...so it's okay :)

It's going to be...fine.

Emotions are temporary, and I feel sad because I'm super scared (and procrastinating). But, it is not the end of everything.

Perhaps, I don't have to be perfectly socially competent when I meet my friends, maybe I don't have to have perfect lecture notes when I study, maybe...I don't have to be a perfect person to get into grad school.

It's so hard to remember that sometimes (often), I don't have to be a perfect person, and neither does any other person.

The reason why I've gotten this far, in fact, is that I'm trying not to be perfect. If I stayed focused on perfectionism, my life would be sadder than it is now, and I wouldn't be living to be honest.

I'd probably have...slipped away.

When we see those videos on Youtube of people living perfect lives, it's never the real deal. Many, many humans who look flawless seem so happy, but actually feel pretty sad.

Like me. Right now.

I don't have to force myself to be perfect. That only exists in edited and choreographed camera footage, effects and makeup.

Humans have their "edited" internet lives, while in real life, they are completely different people. The moon has two sides to it, one of which, never sees the light of the Sun.

I may experience shitty things for no reason or great things for no reason, but I don't have to agonize over the fact that I don't know the reason for these things. I don't have to have a solution to everything. I don't have to be...perfect.

There are definitely two types of perfectionists, those that are motivated and have a healthy relationship with it...and those that don't, like me.

Perfectionism...just doesn't vibe with me like it does for other people, and in order to live my life, I don't need it at all. So, it's okay.

It's going to be okay.

To myself, I say just...try. Put in a little bit of effort to get something done. It's better than nothing, and of course, it doesn't have to be perfect.

Just a little effort.

That's all I need.

This is Cal, signing off.

~7:17pm