*suicide trigger warning*
If any of the content in here triggers you in any way, please exit immediately or go to the next part. If needed, contact the hotlines listed below or talk to someone you trust.
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2:45am~
Why should I stay alive?
Hm..
Why should I?
Hmmm...
Maybe, lets make a list. Lists work all the time, right?
*sighs* Okay, fine.
Here is a list of 5 reasons to live (in the perspective of someone who has no dreams or optimism):
1. Feelings are temporary - Well, yeah duh. They are, but they hurt really bad when they come. Just because a hurricane happens every summer, doesn't mean my way of living isn't lost every year so that I have to build it up again.
2. You are the only one like you - Um, yeah, not exactly a 'reason' for me. Everyone else is the 'only' one like themselves too. We are all unique, cool. If we are all unique and there's so many of us, well, who cares. Human population, you can fill in my shoes any day.
3. The sound of the beach waves on the shore - So, let me just search up "beach waves lofi" on Youtube to get those summer vibes. Yeah, I don't got money to go to the beach and enjoy it for long periods of time, sorry. Also, same for the stars, dreaming, nostalgia and what not. I don't got time for that.
4. You can help someone - Sure, I would love to. It's just that, I think they would be better off not getting help from me. For their own sake, don't come to me, you'll be safer that way.
5. There are people who love you - And, I love them too. Which is why I think I should go. I love my parents, my friends, my coworkers, my..whoever the hell you think it is...so much that they would be better off without me. Why? Because, then they wouldn't have to spend long conversations fighting with me, struggling to understand me when they want to, working tirelessly in a job that doesn't pay much, and spending hundreds on therapy and education for me. All I see is that they are in pain because of me and will continue to be. What is hope, if not an emotion that can be ruined by the wrong words. Everyone I love is HURTING with their own struggles, who am I to put all of that on them?
This is why I don't trust these types of "wholesome" lists. Because you can justify or argue against them in any way you want to, with the most toxic words and thinking.
5 reasons to live, my ass.
What a person with no sense of hope needs is someone who validates what they feel, not counters it, and someone who listens to them, so that when it's all out, they can learn from the other person.
They need a friend, a person, and a conversation, not a list. It's good for a starting point, but please, don't use these lists for a solution.
This is Cal, signing off.
~3:11am
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If at any point you feel triggered by an event shown in this novel, please exit out of it immediately and if needed, seek help or guidance from a trusted source.
International Suicide Hotlines Lists (per Country)
https://www.opencounseling.com/suicide-hotlines
https://faq.whatsapp.com/general/security-and-privacy/global-suicide-hotline-resources/
https://www.suicidestop.com/call_a_hotline.html
YOU ARE READING
12:02am
Random⚠️ mental health trigger warning ⚠️ The evening is slowly coming to a close, its eyes struggle to keep awake. But your thoughts are exposed, like strips of neon light, exploding from the synapses of your brain. The mind often wanders about its exist...
