12:02am

27. 06. 20 (pt. 2)

12:18pm~

Nope, still half asleep.

But, I feel a little better, thanks for asking.

Today, as I was half-slumped in the backseat of my car, and forgot how to put my seatbelt on (don't tell the authorities), I realized something that I've known for a while, but never reinforced back then.

I can't control how others think of me.

I can definitely change how others think of me, but, control implies a sense of knowing exactly what it is they will think of me at every given moment, a sort of " accurate fortune telling" if you will.

Control implies, that I know exactly how to predict the future, which is obviously not gonna happen.

I don't have control  over what people think of me. What I have control of, is how I react to those that choose to hate me, or love me, or not care at all.

When I was younger, I used to open my bedroom window on a windy spring nights and dream of being able to control the winds. I wished with my brave, naive, little heart to have superpowers, so that I could least have something that other people didn't have, to have control over them.

Sure, controlling the dauntless winds of the West and the mystical breeze of the East won't get me anywhere in terms of first impressions, but, if I had these powers, it would be definite that I would have something that other people wouldn't have, the ability to control my environment, (or more specifically, the weather).

If I could get ahold of these abilities, I could use them as a shield, to protect me against the enemies who try to hurt me, and the criticisms of my worthlessness that I put on myself and they put on me. I would be, special, exceptional, mesmerizing, and as I would dream, fearless.

For the longest time, I've always wanted to be fearless.

Doing things not because of what people say, but because you want to...regardless of what their approval or not.

That is, true freedom. Freedom from the imprisonment of my mind.

If there was no one else who was willing to berate me in any given situation, I would always find someway to do that myself. I am so good at criticizing myself, I could say that right now, I feel my face is an ugly piece of dog shit and I should get some plastic surgery. 

It's like reflex to me, listening to the voices of others and turning on myself before listening to the voice I want to hear, my own kindness.

Let's be honest, in an ideal world, where there would be no shit against us, where we wouldn't have to criticize ourselves, who wouldn't want to be kind to ourselves?

Who wouldn't want that? Because, in an ideal world, if you don't want that, you must be crazy.

But in the real world where people could care less about you, it's so hard to listen to their thoughts, to let their icy daggers pierce the lobes of our brain and penetrate your thoughts.

It's just, so easy. For me, anyways.

But, I realized in those barely-awake moments I have during the day, that as sensitive as I am to others, the thing I should've realized all along is that people can talk their talk and whatever, but the only thing I should care about is how I react to them because, I can't control them.

I have no choice but to only focus on my reaction to people, because how they act is up to them. Not me. I don't live in their body.

Sure, I can influence them, and promote myself, suck up to them, and even be kind if I wanna, but, the truth is, how they react, is up to them. I can't move their lips for them.

Then becomes the question, in tough situations where criticism is on the loose and it seems like the end of the world, how do I react in a way that I can still preserve my self worth, but still be a kind, decent human being?

That is a question, I'm searching for an answer for.

It's going to be hard, and terrifying for a person like me, but, I want to try and find it.

This is Cal, signing off.

~12:42pm