12:02am

16. 07. 20

10:10pm~

I'm not feeling...anything.

I don't know.

I just feel, okay.

Honestly, I feel like this is the start of another burnout cycle. Like, I already had one last week, just give me a break already.

I'm not even sure if I'll have enough energy to work tomorrow, but eh, that'll be figured out...tomorrow.

Again, even the smallest effort is what changes one's situation.

Like honestly, that's what I'm operating at currently, the bare minimum. It's like I'm pushing a shopping cart but I'm doing is dragging my legs around, unconsciously following my mom wherever she goes.

My screen still burns my eyes, it's like it's shining a flashlight into my eyeballs, Jesus fucking Christ, could Apple just create a laptop screen that doesn't burn into one's eyeballs, cause people are staying up longer cause of that, thanks.

On another note, have you noticed how the clouds sometimes look like afros? Or is it the other way around? I don't know, but, I'd think it'd be cool to have an afro, honestly, they're bomb. Imagine how cool it would look, plus it's definitely makes one taller.

Goddamn, what would I give to be tall...

Anyways, I'm just in that mood where everything seem to get to me you know? That vulnerable state where you're teetering on the edge of sanity so that anything little annoying thing can tip you right off the edge. 

I was even so close to stress eating, honestly.

Yeah, I think like most people...I do that too.

It was a mistake buying those Oreos, I swear.

They say that stress eating--technically called emotional eating--comes in a cycle. First, you have the trigger which ticks you off and makes you go into next, stress eating. Then, after you stress eat, you feel guilty, then cause guilt is a good trigger, it makes you stress eat furthermore so you spiral into an apocalyptic state of mind eating like you're never going to see food again.

My personal vices are sweet foods. I'm not much of a candy person, but, I am an ultimate simp for chocolate. I would marry it if I could.

Anything with cocoa, chocolate filling, chocolate bars whatever it is, I'm down. Start the wedding music.

Though, I'm trying nowadays to stay in moderation, however, the off days do come. But, as long I understand that I should not a) gorge my food down and enjoy it b) be nice to myself and not let the guilt bring me down to hell and c) substitute in fruits and vegetables as it's always a good idea then I should be fine.

Of course...god fucking dammit, I just had to buy those Oreos. And they're dark chocolate Oreos too. What in the hell am I trying to prove?

I guess...not really anything.

The thing is, when I don't have any commitments, when I'm home alone and bored out of my guts, then that's when I stress eat. I don't even have to be emotionally ticked off. It just happens.

If I wasn't typing this right now, I'd be feasting on those Oreo babies, lemme tell you. The fact you're reading this (whoever you are) is saving me.

I definitely believe that having a healthy relationship with food not only means having a healthy relationship with your body, but your self-esteem, your social supports, your life purpose...the whole 360.

In other words, one can grow through being healthy, but everything else (not just your weight) has to improve with you. There is no way one will keep their weight off if their life is already shit as it is.

Not that this is about eating disorders, but there's a reason why they're psychological disorders. If your mind is a bit messy, chances are something else in your life will be too.

Let me just put this out there:

Eating is not a good coping mechanism for anything else but actual stomach hunger.

And, don't even try to fool yourself into thinking you're hungry when you just ate...I'm talking to myself, of course.

I think another key is to just be gentle with yourself. The more guilt, stress, hurt, pain, comparison, insecurity, and Oreos, that you bury yourself in, the worse you'll feel and the more you will eat. It's literally counterintuitive to fight yourself or punish yourself for stress eating. 

I urge you, don't hate yourself too much. It will exacerbate it a whole ton more. Just...for once...be nicer to yourself, okay? 

Okay so yeah, let's say you just stress ate. Well, it already happened and you can't change the past, but in the future, if you just substitute eating with something else (preferably something you enjoy and is convenient to do) then you'll naturally turn to food less.

It works like magic, except it isn't, it's self-care.

We cannot change much about what happens to us, and it could trigger a landfill of stress eating, but how we react to it is everything. 

Just a little bit of effort, a little bit of substitution, day by day, with ups and downs, it gets better. It might be cliche, but, doesn't mean it's wrong.

And, I'm talking from the perspective of someone who has thought of killing themselves before so...yeah.

I started from not feeling anything to whatever this is, so I guess...progress?

Haha, whatever.

This is Cal, signing off.

~11:03pm