All I Wanted (S.W)

Chapter 12

I walk to lunch with Matt. Today I was sitting with Sam and his friends. He said they liked me, I guess we'll put that to the test. Matt and I sit down at the table with Sam and his friends. I was next to Sam he was on my right, Matt on my left, and Jack Gilinsky across from me.
"Hey." Sam says looking at me then at Matt. "Hey Matt." He says a little less enthusiastically.
"Hey." Matt says and grabs my left wrist.
"Don't do it again. Not here," he says holding my wrist. "Or here," he says putting his hand on my upper thigh. "and never here. Never again." He says putting his hand on my side. "I don't want the chances of loosing you again." He whispers to me. I didn't know that he knew. How did he know that I started again?
"H-how did you know I started again?" I whisper to him.
"I saw at the pool the other day. You put makeup over it but you know me, always looking closely. I care about you too much. Don't do it again." None of the other boys noticed us. Except for Hayes who was sitting across from Matt. He gives Matt and I a confused look. I shake my head at Hayes and nod at Matt. If Hayes thought Matt and I were a thing and told Sam I don't know what would happen.

Lunch was done and Hayes approaches me.
"Hey Nicole I saw you and Matt durning lunch..."
"I know I saw." I say quietly.
"Are you and him like a thing? Cuz if you are I wouldn't be..."
"No we're not. He's just helping me through a rough time right now. He is my best friend after all." I say to him. Hayes nods.
"We can also help you. We all want the best for you." He says as we continue walking down the hall. I can see why Alexa likes him.
"Thanks Hayes but this is something I just want Matt to know. It's nothing awful though." I lie. He nods.
"I'll see you after school?" He asks me.
"Sure." I shout to him as I walk to Math. Hayes was a nice kid. He's lucky, he's attractive, he's nice, he's funny, he's friendly. He's everything I want to be. Why can't I just live a normal life?

"Shut up you slut. No one wants to hear what you have to say." Cali one of the Seniors on the volleyball team says shoving me into a locker. All the seniors pick on me because I'm the youngest on the team. And they bullied me freshman year. "Just admit it. You're sleeping with Sam to feel better about yourself."
"I'm not sleeping with Sam." I say bluntly.
"God you're so annoying! You should just go and kill yourself and save us the trouble from having to look at you all the damn time." Cali shouts.
"You know she's tried before? Or was it a drug addiction that put you in the hospital?" Hannah another senior says. I don't want them to know the truth but I don't want them to think that I have a drug problem either. I guess one is better than the other.
"I-it was a drug problem..." I say quietly. They all laugh.
"See I told you there was more to her story. But that's just more we can use against you. Have a nice life bitch." She says before shoving me to the ground and walking out of the locker room. Before anyone else came in I got up grabbed my stuff and ran out to my car. When I get in I throw my stuff in the passenger side. Why me? Why do they hate me? My phone buzzes from text messages. I look at them and see that they're from kids at school.
"What drugs do you use?"
"Do they make you feel special?"
"Where can I get what you're taking?"

Why do these girls like to torture me? Word has already gotten around because I have over 100 messages. I throw my phone on the floor and begin crying. Out of all people why me? I scream and punch my steering wheel. Nothing could calm me down at this point. It's either live the rest of my life in fear or not live at all.

When I get home nobody was there. Lexa was at a friend's house and mom was still at work. As quickly as my legs would take me I run up to my room and flop on my bed. The decision was difficult. Live with the people I love but in fear or take my life and never see them again but be happy. After an hour of crying, thinking, and hurtful text messages I make up my decision. I had to go. I go into the bathroom and lock the door. I grab out my blades and my bottle of pills. It was hidden so no one would find it. I had a plan when I decided to go. I would play my favorite song, cut a ton, then take the pills. People needed to see how much pain they put me through. I turn on my favorite song Back to the Start by SoMo and put it on repeat.

I cut all along my arms. On the front and back. I was moving onto my thighs when I get a call from Matt. If I had to hear one person speak to me before I died I would want it to be Matt.
"Nicole are you okay?" He asks quickly.
"N-no Matt I'm not." I say stopping myself from cutting. Matt deserved my full attention not matter that I was doing.
"Where are you?"
"My house." I say as tears drip onto my cheeks.
"Stay there I'm coming over." He says quickly.
"Matt please don't." I say to him.
"Why not? Nicole you don't deserve to be treated like this."
"I might, I might not but this was a sign Matt. A sign saying that no one wants me here. It's my time to go. I'll join my dad and finally be happy." I say to him.
"No! Nicole you are not allowed to talk like that! You are not going to kill you self!" He shouts into the phone.
"I'm so sorry Matt. I want you to know that you're my best friend and that nothing would have stopped me from being your friend. I love you so much Matt. Good bye." I say about to hang up.
"NO NICOLE DONT DO TH-" I hang up before he can finish. The music resumes and I decide to make my shirt off and start cutting my biceps. I had no muscle there so it didn't hurt as bad as it would if I had any. Soon enough my arms were covered in blood and I was tired of it all. My phone kept buzzing until I finally tuned them out. I looked at the small bottle in my hand and open it.
"Nicole!" I hear someone shout. It wasn't my mom or sister. It was a male's voice. "Nicole where are you!" It was Matt. I don't answer him I just continue to open the bottle and take put the pills. I was sitting in the bathroom with my tank top and jeans on. The handle on the door shakes at Matt tries to open it. "Nicole open the door!" He shouts. He sounds like he's in a ton of pain. "Nicole answer me! Open the door!" He shouts trying to open it still. "Nicole please at least answer me. Please!" He pleads. He wants me alive. But I don't want me alive. I don't answer because he will keep trying. "Nicole answer me now!" He says ramming the door now. I keep counting the pills. I almost have 16. One for each year of my life that I hated. I hated all 16 years of my life. Matt manages to get the door and comes over to me quickly. "No Nicole don't take those." He says and slaps the pills out of my hand. He takes the bottle from me and throws it out of the bathroom.
"Look what you did! Now I can't go!" I shout at him while crying.
"Nicole please. I did this for you." He says and kneels next to me.
"You did it so you and the other kids can continue to torture me!" I shout at him. He shakes his head and quickly hugs me. My blood gets all over his shirt but he doesn't care.
"Nicole you are my best friend. I wouldn't be able to live with myself if you killed yourself. I care about you too much." He whispers in my ear. "Now I want you to shower and get some sleep. I know you haven't slept in days. I'll stay here." He says quietly turning the water on for me. I smile gratefully at him and get in while Matt cleans up the bathroom.