Growing Up

Second Guessing

I had decided to finish my homework, while I was waiting to hear the microwaves ‘beep-beep’. Thank God for the microwavable meals. Even the thought of me cooking sends chills down my back.

            Just in case anyone did come home tonight [no one would ever come home, I was all alone in this house, drowned every night by the memories of what used to be] I did at least half of my homewor before the microwave. It was around midnight when I finally got to my bed. I begin to get the urge again ‘one more time after this no more.’ I had to fight off the thoughts of my parents. I missed them and it hurt to not know what happened. I began to fight with myself. I knew that he was bad for me, but I thought he knew me down to a science. I couldn’t leave him. It just felt so good, to be with him and have every pain lifted from me.

It was a warm Tuesday morning, time for school. Things seemed to be looking up for Milly, even when her life was naturally a living Hell. She woke up to a loud alarm, while trying to untangle herself from her sheets she fell. Trying to seem cool she got up “too fast”. She felt a little lightheaded. ‘I guess I got up too fast, yea that’s it. I got up too fast.’ I didn’t want to think about last night, I was looking forward to today.

            I jumped in the shower and when I was getting out I heard a long loud ‘honk-honk’.  It was Billy and his old beat up junk of a car. I ran down the stairs near-killing myself. I tried not to make him wait too long but I didn’t want to seem too eager. Why was I rushing he could wait, but he would leave me, they all did in the end.

With Billy it was complicated. I open the door almost hitting my shin on the glass table next to the door. I wave for him to come in. I still needed to put clothes on, so I am sure it wouldn’t hurt to wait. He somberly jumped a few steps here and there and ended up lightly on the front porch. I smiled leaning against the massive door frame, in my blue towel and orange bunny slippers. He casually laughed, “Uhhh, yeah very nice. Are you wearing that to school?” he asked trying to put on his best Dane Cook impression. Then he kissed me on the forehead.

While trying to compose myself from the last kiss I grabbed his arm with my free hand and lead him over to the couch. I ran upstairs to put some clothes on. His first thing in the minty fresh breath still lingering on my forehead; didn’t help the thinking process too much, well at least not for me.

            I found an old mini skirt sitting in the back of my mom’s closet and said ‘what the hay’ and grabbed it. Now a shirt, I found a tube top in the back of my drawer and luckily it is lime green, his favorite color. I smiled to myself an easy day just got to make it a few more months and I am an adult in a new college world. I found my green and white tennis, grabbed my bag and jauntily went down the stairs, when I remembered my perfume, I ran to spray it on.

            On the way back down I forget to be “cool” and I fell down the stairs, I rolled and landed on my ass. My stuff was on the floor and I began to turn a healthy shade of red. He broke out laughing. He grabbed my hands and pulled me closely into his big broad chest. I breathed a long heavy sigh and let myself go. Inhaling his axe every breath was even better than the last. Still laughing?

“Are you sure you can make it through school today? I mean and after if your not busy maybe we could hang out for a while?” I pushed myself off him, how could he still be laughing. While the sun caught his eyes, and the color was almost too much to handle. He smiled, all I saw was a Grecian god walking down from his throne to bask in the praise of his worshipers. I forgot to say some thing. I just stared at him.

“Milly, are you okay?”  He smiled again putting on his best pretty boy look. It was so hard not to be held in his eyes, they controlled every part of my being now.

How could I possibly be okay, I mean for God’s sake I’m cutting myself to feel pain, to get rid of other pain. I don’t have parents and my brother is MIA, so Billy of course I’m okay. Ughh I wish I could tell you, but then that might complicate things. So no, quite honestly I wish you would look me in the eyes one day and see all the pain I’m masking behind this broken smile.

            “That is not funny. And yes I might be available later.” I grabbed the house keys from the floor, while Billy picked up everything else that fell out. I laughed to myself, watching him. I wonder if this was servitude for all those years back, from what I did for him, is this him paying me back? Did he even remember?

            He grabbed my bag as I walked to his car; it really was a piece of crap. It was a crappy orange, beat up Ford66.  I mean honestly how many times could I call this thing crap before Billy caught on?

            He seemed to be struggling with the door? How hard is it to close a door? ‘Yes I am free tonight, the smell-well more of the feel of freedom- was only hours away. What am I saying, maybe this was the only way for me to feel like I’m normal, to fit in with everyone else.’

            “Hurry up and get your ass to the car, its not that hard to close the door.” I was anxious, I mean who wouldn’t be. He finally got the door closed and began running down the pebble lined steps. That complemented my forest green house with its ebony trim.

            I smiled as the sun gently kissed his tall Grecian frame and how his hair was black as a crow even with the sun shining on each strand. His eyes were honey-brown and his smile was flawless. The ride to school was peaceful and the warm heat put me in a gentle relaxed sleep. A smile took hold on my face; I hummed a lullaby from when I was a kid.

             I remembered when I was a kid and my parents loved each other, my brother wasn’t the only family I had who left me, and I was loved.  Truly loved, not in some sick one sided relationship, where he thought love was supposed to be equal pain. The one thing I remember the most that my mother told me, ‘Love should never hurt.’  I looked down at my wrist, what was I doing, this isn't who I was.

My brother was the bastard.

            I forgot about the world, I remembered when things were perfect. I was content with my ride. During the peace I was rudely interrupted with, “Shit, Milly we’re missing our song.” He was head banging to who knows what song, any song that said ‘I love you’ in it was our song. I looked up to be mad but I couldn’t his voice made me question. Something was so definitely wrong. There was so much pain and suffering. I had to get him to tell, no lying (I’m the exception).

            “Billy, I don’t feel well. I want you to drive me home right now.” I had to figure out what was really down in his life. I wasn’t being let in.

            “Yeah. Okay sure, why not.” He turned the piece of crap in one swift movement. To my surprise, I don’t give the car that much credit.