Growing Up

Can I Let Go?

While Nurse Ford drove me home I thought of all the pain I had felt and it was agonizing to think that I would conjure up more pain. When I thought of Billy just the sheer thought of saying“Billy Ican’tlove you anymore”sent compulsions through me. I shuddered again holding my sides for stability, hoping- no now praying that this would be the last person to be hurt.

I recognized Jefferson Street I knew that I had only a few seconds to pull myself together; the final thing on my “To Do List”, the clock was feverently ticking. The walls of the small Honda Civic seemed to compress themselves onto me, I rolled down the window, “A left right here, the house with the orange car. Thank you very much.” The wind blew gently on my face, it helped.

Fully composed.

I began to rush to the door—for what I needed time; time was the only thing I had left. What about Billy, I mean do I still need him for support my bearings were all ready broken, does he need me or even love me anymore? Did I still want him, question after tantalizing question poked and probed at me for answers when I couldn’t think up one myself? Nurse Ford honked the horn, waking me from my thoughts. I pretended to look in the ferns next to the house for the keys, when she noticed she drove away shaking her head.

Okay Milly you can tell him the truth, I took a deep breath and flipped my hair covering my face, that would make it easier I wouldn’t have to look into his eyes and see the lost desperate look I had seen too often in my dreams.

I opened the door and all of a sudden a burst of more questions, “Milly I am so sorry. Are you okay? I didn’t mean to hurt you I was just so confused and you brought me back and I can’t thank you enough for that. Milly- Milly?” He had that look that would make you change your mind in a heartbeat.Inhale- exhale you need to breathe inhale-exhale.

“Billy you need to leave. I can’t see you anymore.” It sounded so real to me even when I said those words, which I have practiced so often replaying them softly in my sleep. I had to remember the harshness I had said; to me it was almost believable. My face began to change shade of pink to rosy to finally a scarlet red, my body burned from my toes to my ears.Milly keep it up you are almost there, he believes you.My emerald eyes were dropped into a pond of tears fresh from my eyes preparing there long parachute down. “Please Billy just get out or I swear I will call the cops. Now leave.” Another long painful silence, my breathing caught us both off guard, “I’m so sorry Billy its over.”

I couldn’t get his face off my mind as he left the house just as astonished as me that I could go through with it. The pain finally hit me and this time it was hard. Next thing I was sprawled out on the linoleum floor, blankly looking for air. As I laid there still sprawled out on the floor a haze spread all over taking over my mind, my actions. I was not in control; my mind was in eternal darkness. Hours had passed when I was suddenly awakened by the silent click of the front door; my body began to shake faster and harder when the lights began to flicker on.

It wasn’t Billy… it was George.

I screamed at the top of my lungs my body shaking more violently wearing off the haze at an extreme pace, I tried to crawl to the phone but my body wouldn’t move, “You’re not real! No more damn hallucinations! Please just go away,” my voice became a shallow whisper, “please no more.”I laid there silent when I felt the warm presence of my hallucination, and with that I had risen from him and ran upstairs to my parents’ room. I sat at their bed and prayed that all this wasn’t a dream that this was really my brother. I finally was over powered by the haze, thankful that the day was finally done.

I had woken up to silence just I had left it, I walked down the stairs peeping around every corner-‘bing-bong’ “Come in the doors unlocked” I didn’t seem to care maybe if it was a serial killer I wouldn’t be able to hurt anyone else. The door opened and there he was—George with a bag full of fruit and bread and eggs. I charged at a full pace and a crash all the food was on both us and the floor. I hugged him so tight that it hurt me too. “George you came back, you’re back home” When I finally got a good look at him I realized that he looked so much like our father.