Growing Up

Remembering Things

 I was in my head, now I had a chance to think and clear out my thoughts. There were doors all around me some that I knew and some that were yet to be discovered. I opened a light blue one and suddenly thing came back to me that I wish hadn’t. I remembered everything bad between my parents, before my mom left my dad.

“You bastard, I can’t believe this. You slept with her, how should I react. Dammit Leonard you have kids-two beautiful kids that love you and you slept with her!” She threw her full Champaign glass and the bottle at my father. I watched from the stairs, I watched in silence (I wonder why I didn’t remember this) I missed them whether fighting or not.

            “Bella, you know I love you and it was only one time! If you leave, your ass isn’t coming back-and I mean never coming back.” My dad started to cry, he loved my mom, but he just made stupid mistakes he would miss her so much. He didn’t mean to mess up, he just couldn’t help being a screw up.   

My mom and I have interesting taste in men; no matter how much they screw up you loved them anyway. “Fine, I am sure you won’t miss it either. I hope you know what a huge mistake you’re making. I'm coming back for the kids.”

 My mother ran upstairs and started packing all she owned except for my brother and me.  She grabbed her bags and left. My dad tried to stop her but things never seemed to work out in his favor. That night he sat on the bed and called out for her.

She never came back- even as I too called out for her- waiting with open arms—always waiting.

            I closed the door, I couldn’t breath. The pain was gripping at me, tearing my heart out, and crushing my lungs under its huge feet.  I knew that they loved each other but no one could ever tell with them. The next door that I opened was green I remembered all the old feelings came rushing back, love, genuine love. This was before my brother left the house.

 Before my mom had barely come back to my dad, George had started acting out. He hated living with dad and no one would listen. Only I did. Our dad was a little too abusive he made everything he did too physical. I was the only one who would listen-who knew.

“Thank you Milly. Promise me you won’t tell them where I am going.” George had left when he was 15 and I was 8, I wanted to leave but one of us had to stay. I hated them, mainly Leonard, my father.

“I promise George. But you have to promise to come back for me and take me away.” I was small, my eyes were a dazzling emerald, and I had ten freckles on each cheek. My hair was long, so I always wore it down to cover up the bruises. You’d think that people would care that I wasn’t a normal eight year old-and my life wasn’t all butterflies and rainbows. George was tall and skinny, he had large blue and purple bruises on his arms, chest and stomach. His hair covered the big black eye on the left. They never cared, they just watched in silence. They were all scared. Scared to know what would happen if someone did find out, what would happen to the poor children?

We’d grow up. Move on. Regrets, none, we made it on our own. There is nothing to regret. They watched us burn in hell for years, now its over and they want to become our closest friends.

“I promise Milly. I love you so much, I'll be back.” George left out our window that cold November night. I never saw him again and I missed him more and more everyday and wished each time he’d come back. George is the only true family that I have. The door finally closed.

            I sat in the corner and cried, I couldn’t wake up I was stuck. ‘Milly, dammit girl wake up. They’re worried about you out there.’ I couldn’t reach out to them. I started to drown. All that pain, hatred was swallowing me alive.

“Ahhhhh!” I woke up in a cold sweat, my blouse drenched.

            “Milly- honey, are you okay?” it was my momma. I wasn’t the same. I was back to being five. My mom held me in her long graceful arms while I held onto her yellow silk nightgown. I cried drenching her with tears and love. “Honey I love you okay but its time to wake up.”

“What do you mean? Wake up?” I hugged her and she kissed me on the check. I nuzzled myself in hailing her perfume. Lavender, her favorite.

            “Shhhh, baby, it’s okay? It was just a nightmare.” She cooed me, as I rested myself in her chest. She smelled- I couldn’t figure it out, but for some reason she smelled like death. I looked up and I we were at her funeral, there she took my hand and lead me down the aisle, through the back door to her grave.

“George is looking for you, he will come back for you. I love you, you’ll be okay. Bye baby.” she smiled one last time and drifted into her grave. I ran trying desperately to keep her with me but I tripped.

I was finally ready to leave. I’ve heard enough. I knew everything I needed to. I wanted to go home.

I had tripped on a tombstone, it was marked here lies…I wanted so badly to change that-here lies the bastard that ruined my life-a man who only tried his best but his life was cut too short. ‘Not short enough.’  Leonard Baxter laid there, six feet under. I laid there until I felt something reach around my ankle. It was him; my father, I kicked and screamed, I won’t let it happen again. He wouldn’t hurt me ever again I wouldn’t let that bastard lay a hand on me ever again.  

            “Let me go.” I was screaming and kicking the sheets.

            “Milly, wake up- wake up Milly.” I sat up with my hair matted down to my face, hot, wet and sticky from the nightmare. My blouse had been drenched in it too. mrs. Ford was rocking me gently trying to get me to wake up.

 It was a very familiar voice I had to follow it, it was Mrs. Ford. She was our nurse; she was sitting in her usual white nurse outfit and tennis shoes. She was concerned, “So many faces, so many faces.” That’s all I kept repeating into her white blouse. She held me tight in her warm affectionate arms and cooed me to calm down as she wiped the sweat from my forehead.

“Honey, its okay you just sit here while I sign you out. Since I wasn’t able to reach either of your parents at work I will have to drive you home.” There was that word again, ripping another hole of pain and desperation into me. How could this all be bad in one day? While I waited all the pain and memories broke through the wall of numbness I had built for so many years. How could one word break so many years of blood, sweat and lies into tiny bits of ruble and dust, how?

I could never understand the meaning of love or family if I didn’t have my wall, it kept me protected from all the pain for so long. I have to rely on something else—thrive on something or someone. The pain would be back sooner and faster than ever, I had to get home I need no audience for the breakdown of the century. For my own selfish reasons, I’d have to let go of someone dear to me. He’d understand, move on, and be happy. I could suffer, even if that meant being alone, I’d do it to see him smile.

“Nurse Ford, ummm, I’m not feeling to well can you take me home now. Please.” I begged her I almost got on my knees till she saw my face, so pale not me at all.

“Sure sweetie, lets get you to the car and drive you home.”

“Thank you.” Its all that came out as I clutched my sides while she lead me to her shiny silver Honda Civic.