Growing Up

Big Trouble: Deeper Than You Think

Milly woke up early, it was the senior work day, and she couldn’t be late. All she had to do was take her physics test next week and she would be free.

I had decided to walk today, Billy would be late anyway. I had the only keys to the house and yet I still thought that George would be back-that he was going to be there. I was still hoping that last night was just a dream and he wouldn’t come back. ‘I hope Billy makes…’ I trailed of, his car was still there? I looked in the window, he wasn’t there. Please Billy don’t do this, not today, not to me. I put my stuff under the bush next the dark brown fence.

          I started to run towards The Shed, my face turned red from the morning cold, I was stupid to think that he would keep his promise. I hadn’t been so defeated in so many years I hadn’t trusted anyone in such a long time. I trusted Billy I believed that he was my only family and now look at this; I am running at six in the morning trying to find him. If he is there then I just- I just won’t know what to do anymore.

I ran into…? It was Billy. He was so pail, weak. His six foot looked more like 5’ 5 beat up kid. He was pail, and so cold. I should have let him drop and end it all right there, isn't a relationship supposed to be all lovey dovey and trust, or whatever. We were like lovers in reverse.

“Billy-” I couldn’t continue, I didn’t know how to breathe, speak, and I was so emotional. I was so angry, but it wasn’t for him, why would he try to leave me alone?  I held back my tears of anger, the girlfriend tears, and the tears of a best friend. My will was stronger than before, this time I wouldn’t let it go. He went too far. I would have to find a way to be on my own, he was not a child, and I was not his mother.

            “I know Milly, I fucked up real bad. I am so sorry. Milly, last night-I want to take it back.” I wanted so badly to kick his ass, but I couldn’t.  I wanted to forget- forget about everything.

            “Oh. So everything, that happened last night? So when you said you love me, you want to take that back? When we-we…” I hated him at this point.

            “No, Milly I really do love you. Being with you is-you’re the best thing that happened in my life in a long time. I love you.” He was much lighter which helped a lot with me walking him to my house. His voice sounded like it did, that day, when he pledged his life to me.

            “If you really loved me, Billy, then why did you do it; I can’t believe you- you lied to me.” I wasn’t going to yell, I had every reason to, but I didn’t. I was afraid to loose anyone one else that I loved or who I thought I loved. “I don’t want to hear that ‘I love you’ bullshit anymore.” The rest of the walk was silent, like the silence of a graveyard.

            Billy was a bad boy, I loved that in him, but it was hard when you knew that it would hurt more to be with him, than without. Billy was bad for me, I needed a future that I could handle, a family that I could trust and that would love me back.  I hated myself for it but that’s how I saw it, he wasn’t worth all of the heartache.

All I had was Billy, but maybe not forever. When we reached my house I sat him on the couch and left for school. ‘Girl get yourself together. I was afraid to be alone, but being with him was worse than without.’ I began to tell myself that it was time to let Billy go. He was bad for me time to let him go.

I knew it was the right thing; maybe it was fear talking, who knew cuse I sure as hell didn’t. I wanted more than anything to keep him in my arms, but I was more afraid I’d lose him there. I had to decide, let him bring me down, in his warm eyes or fight it out all alone. It is a complicated thing, he was emotionally unstable and I couldn’t handle another death in my life and he was the closet thing to family that I had. Was it the right thing to do or even think about???

            The walk to school was quiet; it gave me plenty of time to think things over. I mean he promised, that wouldn’t be the first time someone broke a promise. It would be okay.  It was always okay in the end. I would eventually get over it.

“Hey, Milly see you at school.” It was Johnny our school’s football captain. I watched him jog pass in his light blue basketball shorts and white tank top. He was so cute-life can always get more complicated. He was almost too perfect I wished so much to have a full conversation with him.

“Yeah okay see you.” He knew my name? Okay ya he knew my name. So I had a boyfriend who I loved (supposedly). Johnny could be the cutest thing on the planet, but that would break me and Billy up. But Billy was a lying muther. . .yes it could be the reason, a broken promise and a warm smile.

After Johnny had jogged off  I began to go off about if I let Billy go how I could be with Johnny like I wanted to be with him in middle school and how I used to dream that he’d ask me to be his girlfriend on the last day of school in front of everyone. What was keeping me from him, why couldn’t we have been together? It was because of Billy, and I was tired of holding that secret.

            How silly, ‘Such a silly girl.’ My mom always called me that when I was little and I would sneak into her room and ask for to sleep in her room. ‘Silly girl, there are no such things as monsters.’ At that she would take my hand and we walk back to my room, I always made sure to stay right at her legs ‘just in case mom’ I would tell her. She would then pick me up and put me back in my bed and slowly shuffle to the other side and turn on the lights. She’d smile and open the closet ‘Now memorize what’s in the closet, so when I turn off the lights you know what’s in your closet.’ And always to my surprise there would be no monsters. I’d smile she’d shuffle down the hallway and I’d fall asleep to the rhythm of each footstep and the smell of her lavender body scrub.

I hugged myself, as the wind blew my red hair all around my face. My green eyes were glassy, but there was nothing behind them, just like an empty store, there was nothing in my beating heart.